Friday, September 30, 2011

The Thing got Nick! Look for the new blog on Monday!

Oh no!
This... this can't be happening! Something... alien has gotten inside Nick and is exacting its dastardly plans upon his immune system! Will he be able to fend it off or is this the end of the RDHP? Tremble world! TREMBLE! For The Thing has been loosed upon us all!

Alien mutation or a glimpse inside Nick's stomach?

Check back Monday to see if Nick survived!

Friday, September 23, 2011

Film #76: Son of Frankenstein (Filmed 1938)

Father knows best.
So whether dear olde Dad is telling you gems like “A dollar saved is a dollar earned,” “Don’t eat yellow snow,” or “Follow my legacy and reanimate the dead,” you should listen.
Like a good son, Baron Wolf von Frankenstein listened to his pep-pep, thereby creating the tale that is known the world over as “Son of Frankenstein.”

Years after the Frankenstein Monster ravaged his homeland in “Bride Of”, Baron Victor Frankenstein finally kicks the bucket alone but rich. It seems in the preceding years Victor’s wife tired of his playing with dead things and moved her ass out, taking their young son Wolf with her to England.

Now a grown adult doctor and scientist with a wife and son of his own, Wolf Frankenstein is summoned to his homeland upon his father’s death to claim his inheritance.
When he arrives the locals are none too pleased. Like father like son, they scream! Victor Frankenstein brought murder, horror and shame to their land, likely his son will do the same! Son of a...!
Oh, chill out savages, Wolf assures, I ain’t no chip off the old block. Enjoying the creepy mansion digs of his heritage, Wolf, his wife Elsa and spritely boy Peter decide to move into the old place. What could go wrong?!

As part of his inheritance, Wolf receives his father’s laboratory notes and a emotionally charged letter. If you are interested, use my notes to continue my experiments with reanimating the dead, and avenge my name!

Wolf takes up his father's challenge, but soon realizes he doesn’t have to start from scratch. While believed to be destroyed at the end of "Bride Of," the old Frankenstein Monster is actually undead and well, and being looked over by a former assistant of Wolf’s father, Ygor. Seems

Ygor has been living in the ruins of Victor Frankenstein's laboratory and ordering the Monster to enact revenge on his enemies. See, Ygor was hung for stealing bodies for Frankenstein’s experiments, and while the execution broke his neck – it didn’t kill him. He was set free a broken man. One by one, Ygor has ordered Frankenstein to kill the men who served on the jury that sent him to the gallows.
But during the most recent murder, the Monster got caught in a storm and was injured into a coma.

Vowing to prove his father was not a ghoul but a genius of science, Wolf takes up the family business of playing God and succeeds in getting the Monster back to mashing.
However, the Monster’s murders have riled up the locals who suspect old Wolf is up to his old family tricks. They summon the town Inspector to investigate Wolf and his family.
He’s the perfect man for the job, since the Monster tore off his arm during a rampage as a boy. This time, its personal!

Will Wolf Frankenstein succeed where his father failed before him?
Can Ygor get away with vengeful murder?
How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop?

Find out in the 1938 filmed, 1939 premiered Universal classic “Son of Frankenstein.”

RDHP Ratings and Reviews

C-Rating: 4.5
Chris Dimick reanimates:
“They should have stopped after this movie. But they didn’t, of course. The Monster shuffled his rotting superhuman bones through many more Frankenstein films.

And I’m fine with that, as Frankenstein has become a cornerstone in the horror film industry. Hell, he might just be horror’s mascot. Walking past a Hallmark store today I saw a Frankenstein Monster stuffed doll in the Halloween window display.
Do you think 70 years from now Jigsaw will be peddled to kids in plush form?

Son of Frankenstein is the last great Frankenstein movie. Sure, Hammer Studios gave old Frank a nice reboot.
And the 1940s sequels like 1942’s “Ghost of Frankenstein” (starring Lon Chaney Jr as the Monster), 1943's Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man (starring Bela Lugosi as the Monster) and 1944’s “House of Frankenstein” (starring Glenn Strange as the Monster) have their campy charm.
But all of those films combined just can't induce the nostalgic heart-pangs that the first three Frankenstein films create.

Son of Frank, like the two movies before it, are pure horror fun and a damn good yarn. The film adds to the Monster mythology – it’s made known that the Monster is actually superhuman on an atomic level. It features unforgettable characters – Lugosi’s Ygor is creepily mesmerizing, the Inspector’s haunted telling of how he lost his arm is Oscar worthy, and little boy Peter's merry interaction with the giant murderer is good old fashioned fun.

Finally, this was Boris Karloff’s last portrayal of the Monster (though not the last time he would appear in a Frankenstein movie… just as other characters) signaling the end to the portrayal that would make him a legend. While others would try, none can ever replicate the role Boris was born to play.

Many Frankenstein fans consider the original, Bride Of and Son Of to be the definitive Frankenstein Trilogy; the meat of the legend. All Frankenstein films that came after it were just dessert, a chance to rekindle the magic that never quite got up to par.
Maybe that is why Mel Brook’s hilarious “Young Frankenstein” so heavily parodies this and the previous films, but none after it.

Son of Frankenstein still took itself seriously, and that may be the key to its success. Camp had not factored in… audiences still couldn’t imagine that The Monster would end up a kiddie plush doll in 2011.

This film has all the romance, bubbling lab equipment, charm, amazing off-kilter lighting, grand gothic sets, and moral lessons of the 1930s Universal classics.
In fact, I would argue that other than 1941’s The Wolf Man, this is one of last truly excellent Universal horror films of the black and white era (Creature from the Black Lagoon was fun, but can’t touch Drac, Frank or Wolf or Mummy).
If that is not enough, it stars Bela Lugosi, Boris Karloff and Basil Rathbone. That is a full house of horror!

As the fall season starts the chill the air, find a quiet moment and pop in Son of Frankenstein. It will warm your bones, heart and mind – no fire required.

Good thing too. The Monster HATES fire.”

N-Rating: 3.6
Nick Rich reanimates:
“There are some things in life that just confuse you... like this film for instance. Let's see, how can I explain this in a way that is relatable to everyone?
Ah, I know! Say you find yourself on a cinematic travel through time where you're viewing horror films from every year from 1920 to the present, so naturally as you near the end of your journey you've seen at least 10 films featuring Boris Karloff and/or Bela Lugosi. (A universal situation to be sure.)
You know both men and their offering as actors well, and if you have any sense you will have firmly concluded that Boris the the better actor... then you are rocked to your horrific core by of a viewing of Son of Frankenstein, where (GASP) BELA steals the film from Boris!

Who knew facial hair could change a man so? 

How can this be? What kind of dastardly black magic did Bela harness to arrange for such a topsy-turvy showing? My guess is that Bela was empowered by the beard he donned for this film. Men throughout the ages have been empowered by their hair (e.g. Samson, Abraham Lincoln, Boy George, participants in beard competitions, etc). I also suspect that wearing a crazy neck harness to give the illusion of a broken neck may have given him some extra mojo too... of course, he could have also been feeding off of the lackluster offering that Boris put forth in this film.

If only Boris had been drinking passion tea on the set Son of Frankenstein!
The muted emotion that seeped from Boris in Frankenstein and even Bride of was sorely absent in Son of. It saddens me to say it, but Boris seemed to phone this one in. I'd like to think it was because the monster was unconscious for the majority of the film, but in my heart I know that Boris was just not that into this film. If there is anything I've learned about him during the RDHP it's that he has a 'spark' that he brings to his roles (no matter how bad the film is - I'm talking to you Voodoo Island)... a spark that was missing in this turn as the Monster.

The rest of the cast was delightful, developing a fun film that only flirted with the darkness that its predecessors employed but still managed to be genuine. The Inspector was especially entertaining in his turn as a stoic, yet textured lawman who engaged the audience readily. I can't explain how odd it was to watch a film where Boris was the weakest link! Most times it was the opposite, with him redeeming an otherwise droll film. Oh well, I suppose Boris can't carry us away each time out... after all, he is inhuman!

Eeps! The Monster has young Chris!
The Skinny: Check this flick out if you want a solid monster movie showing (it was rather enjoyable) or if you want to experience an emo Boris Monster.”

Things We Learned from Son of Frankenstein:
-People should “let the dead past remain buried.”
-Vera West was one hell of a gown costume designer for Universal.
-Lightning really can strike twice in the same place.
-Boar teeth are too hard to clean.
-The heart can burst from fear.
-Bela really can upstage Boris.
-Cats will surely eat an infant if left alone with it:

Quote of the Viewing:
[After learning a dear friend is dead, the Monster starts tearing the hell out of Frankenstein’s laboratory and the runs off for revenge]

Nick: “Frankenstein really needs to learn to deal with his emotions in a better way.”


Special Note!
What up with “Filmed 1938”?
Our mission at the RDHP is to screen one horror movie from each year in history from 1920 to the present. However, like any great journey, we will experience some pot holes and toll booth trolls. The year 1938 was such a pot hole.

According to several online sources, not a single major motion picture from the horror genre was released in 1938. I blame the Great Depression, as it seems there was enough horror in the real world that the screen need not display it.

Therefore, in order to fulfill our mission, a bending of the rules was needed. Son of Frankenstein was filmed in 1938, but released in 1939. With no 1938 proper choices, we figured this was the next best thing to fill the 1938 year-slot. That, or time travel back to 1938 and release our own horror movie. But, Doc Brown couldn't be found. So, Plan B it t'was!

RDHP Presents:
Famous Sons
Wolf von Frankenstein was determined to finish his father’s work and show the world that his family legacy is genius, not grotesque. Sounds like somebody has a Daddy complex!
But he is not the first. Below, we list several other famous sons in history, who have struggled to emerge from their father’s shadows… many successfully, other, not so much.

Lon Chaney Jr.
While his father was a legend of makeup effects and silent films, Lon Jr. also made a name for himself in the moving spook pictures. In fact, Jr is the only person to play all of the Universal classic monsters, the Wolf Man, the Mummy, the Frankenstein Monster, and Dracula. Atta boy!

Max Brooks
Being the son of a legendary American institution like Mel Brooks gave Max a long shadow from which to emerge. But with classic horror works like “World War Z” and “The Zombie Survival Guide” under his belt, old Max is becoming the go to guy for written zombie lore this side of George Romero. How does that sunshine feel there, Max?

Prince Fielder
Father Cecil was the rock of the 1990s Tigers. Son Prince picked up the glove, and more importantly bat just like Daddy and has been the rock of the Milwaukee Brewers. But word is these two had a falling out and aren’t speaking to each other. Come on Fielders, hug it out. That is if you can get your arms around your fat asses.

Ben Stiller
Son of classic comedian Jerry, who saw his stock soar once again with his portrayal of George’s father on Seinfeld. Holidays and family reunions must be one crazy bucket of funny at the Stiller home. Ben is even more famous than his Pep-pep.

Port Huron Sons
Fathered by the man-beast Bill Brasky, the Port Huron Sons assemble each year in the Manistee National Forest to play homage to their Dad and celebrate drunken debauchery and high-fiving friendship.

Charlie Sheen
Son of renewed actor Martin Sheen, and brother of 80s icon and Disney movie star Emilio Estevez. As for Charlie, his recent drug fueled jackassery gave him a type of popularity that is a true sign of the coming (likely zombie) apocalypse.
Dad must be so proud.

Jaden Smith
Just as annoying as his father, but with many more years left to torture us.
Enjoy your success, kid. We foresee a trip to Dr. Drew's clinic real, real soon. 

Son of Godzilla
Once a heartless hater of children, this film and the sight of Baby Godzilla was the first time in his life that Chris considered becoming a father. Seriously. But how could anyone not get misty for this baby; look how cute Baby 'Zilla is!

Friday, September 16, 2011

Fall's Bloody Small Screen Season

By Chris Dimick
As the leaves begin to commit suicide by leaping from their treey home and the sky loses more and more life sustaining light and heat, so does the small and silver screen follow suit with its own darker behavior.

Fall has fallen upon us, and with it television and movie theaters will begin to show its spookier side. Tis the season to be scary, and while it is always horror season at the RDHP and  in horror fan's hearts, it is still exciting to see the sideline horror fans put on their slasher mask and rejoin us blood-hounds in celebration of all things that go bump (or scream) in the night.

Those looking for a little scare with the season won't have to dislocate their remote thumbs to find it. A sweep of this year's fall TV season shows ample original horror programming oozing from both broadcast and cable networks.

Serial horror is hard to accomplish. Many shows have tired, and many have failed. For every sparkling X-Files, Tales from the Crypt, Twilight Zone, and Master's of Horror there is a yawn inducing Friday the 13th: The Series or Harper's Island.

Time will tell where the 2011 Fall Horror Series will land on that red spectrum, but in the spirit of a season many have come to associate with change and a fresh start, we can all hope they these new horror shows are just as great as any series that has come before it.

Below, an examination of three horror TV shows launching or returning this year that are making horror hounds howl to the pre-Halloween heavens in excitement.

Here's to a season of screaming!


American Horror Story

Cemetery Plot:
The Harmon family -- husband Ben (Dylan McDermott), wife Vivien (Connie Britton), and daughter Violet (Taissa Farmiga) -- move to an old Los Angeles house with a creepy neighbor (Jessica Lange) and an even creepier past.
Not much else is known about the plot, which has been tightly guarded by creators Ryan Murphy and Brad Flachuk. Yes, that Ryan Murphy, the creator of FOX's smash Glee, and that Brad Flachuk, the executive producer of the ultra-creepy Nip/Tuck. Glee mixed with Nip/Tuck?! The thought alone is scary.

 However, those who have seen previews, like Entertainment Weekly's staff, have said this show is out there weird, violent, sexy and strange. And, good. "While it (the plot) sounds like the beginnings of a fairly standard scary movie, it doesn't even begin to describe how capital-C crazy this story becomes," Entertainment Weekly wrote.
Two sexy examples; in one episode Vivien has sex with a man in a rubber fetish suit, and Ben pleasures himself while being spied on by a badly burned man, who warns Ben afterward that the house drove him to commit murder. Or, you know, a typical Tuesday night in the Rich home.

Why I'm Howling:
It can be hard to sustain a scary haunted house show week in and week out, but I'm excited to find out if they can pull it off. The cast seems top notch, as do the creators. With the show on FX, there is room to take some horrific and sexy risks. This one has promise. Bring on the rubber suits!

When It's Slaying (like playing, get it):
Wednesdays from 10 to 11 p.m. Eastern
Premieres Oct. 5 on FX



Cemetery Plot:
The Big Bad Wolf better wear gloves next time he tries to abduct a tasty little girl. Finger prints will and you in Joliet Prison, man!
Grimm is a fairy-tale police procedural from writer-producer David Greenwalk (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) about a detective who discovers he's descended from a line of hunters know as Grimms who can see past the disguises of supernatural and fairy tale creepers.
Along with his partner, he investigates cases of legendary stories coming to life -- mythical villains here in modern times, and camouflaged as ordinary criminals.

Why I'm Howling:
A second read of those fairy tales we loved so much as kids shows the stories are much more adult than we thought. Some of them are downright gruesome (Hansel and Gretel burn a woman alive after she was trying to abduct and cannibalize them! Is this a bedtime story or the plot to Hostel III?) This story has a vast potential to be lame, but if done right it will be a blast to see Grimm's tales acted out in modern times. Curl up with the kiddies!

When It's Slaying:
Fridays from 9 to 10 pm Eastern
Premieres Oct. 21 on NBC


The Walking Dead

Cemetery Plot:
 In the aftermath of a zombie apocalypse a small group of survivors travel across the desolate United States in search of a new home away from the hordes of the undead (or "walkers"). The group is led by Rick Grimes, who was a sheriff's deputy in a small Georgia town before the zombie outbreak.
As their situation grows more hazardous, the motley group's desperation to survive pushes them to the brink of insanity.
At every turn they are faced with the unbearable horrors that come from having the dead walk again, the changing dynamic of their group, as well as facing hostility from the scattered remains of a struggling human populace who are focused on their own survival, now that the structures of global society have collapsed.

Why I'm Howling:
The first season of this show, though only six episodes long, was the best television I've seen since LOST went to that great hatch in the sky.
Brilliant zombie special effects by Greg Nicotero (who worked on films like Hostel, Grindhouse, and Romero's Land of the Dead) and realistic plots based off the amazing Walking Dead comics by Robert Kirkman made this show appointment TV. It wasn't just melting zombies tearing skin off bone. Like all great zombie movies, this show is about the survivors trying to make it in a now foreign, dangerous world.

The acting, led by Andrew Lincoln as Rick Grimes, sucks a person in and holds their attention, sometimes against their will. You are so engrossed in the story that when a zombie does strike, it freaks even the hardest veined horror fan.

Though the recent firing of excellent executive director Frank Darabont reportedly due to budget disagreements is disheartening and concerning (Darabont wanted to keep the production value top notch, AMC executives wanted to save money), I hope that the writing and acting will still save this work even if the zombie makeup and explosions get less attention.

If you missed last year's short run, rent it now and get caught up. It is easy, though scary, watching.
This is not just a great horror TV show. Season 1 was television at its best. Hopefully they keep those zombies shufflin'!

When It's Slaying:
Sundays from 9 to 10 pm Eastern
Season 2 Premieres Oct. 16 on AMC.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Film #75: The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1923)

Quasimodo, come on down, you are the next contestant for People Plinko!

Grab your nearest tormentor and pick a slot in the Notre Dame roof. Now, toss them below!

Oooh, watch as they bounce down those gargoyles and flying buttresses! Big money for the deformed monstrosity that hits people or objects below.

Why, your first Plinko "Chip" just hit some rioting Paris-trash. For that, you win unlimited ringing of the death bell!
Thanks for playing... NOW GET BACK TO YOUR CAGE MUTANT!

Quasimodo sure has it rough. He's deaf, half blind, disfigured, and forced to live on a church bell ringers salary in 15th century France.
But, at least he loves his job. And does he REALLY love it. Doesn't matter what he is ringing those Notre Dame dingers for, he does it with GUSTO.
Seems the bells are the only thing that gives this wretched soul peace. Bells, and a belle.

That belle being Esmeralda, a bewitching gypsy girl who dances like a whore but lives like Mother Theresa. To Esmeralda's good, there is Jehan's evil. The brother of Notre Dame's archdeacon, Jehan is an aristocrat with a lust for both money and pretty ladies. Fancy that a trollup like Esmeralda would hook his hambone.

But, Esmeralda doesn't want anything to do with Jehan, she is more into the Prince Charming riding a horse type. And she finds him in Phoebus, Captain of the Guards and probably captain of the Hair Club for Men. Ohhhh, Jehan knew he couldn't get Esmeralda, not without growing luscious locks like his foe. So Jehan hired an unwitting Quasimodo to kidnap her under cover of night. Well, in comes Phoebus to the rescue, arresting Quasimodo and saving Esmeralda.

You'd think that Esmeralda would hate Quasimodo after he tried to abduct her. But she is as kind as she is beautiful, and tends to Quasi after he takes a vicious public lashing for his crime.

Phoebus ponders Esmeralda, as a hungry nave ponders the feast.

A lady being kind to twisted ugly Quasimodo! Doesn't happen often, so Quasi takes a shine to her. But, handsome Phoebus also shines on that crazy diamond, and even wins her heart, but not to the pleasure of Esmeralda's father/owner, the peasant King of Thieves who has a stick in his craw about aristocrats like Phoebus. Revolution is afoot!

One thing leads to another, shouts of "the aristocrats are stealing our women" are thrown around, and soon the entire peasant population is in a tizzy and wrestling up a revolt.

Everybody's all pissed off, and our buddy Modo doesn't like it! The story climaxes with Quasimodo dishing out pain from atop the Notre Dame, human Plinko and all, in an attempt to save Esmeralda from the mob.

Will love conquer social class?
Can Quasimodo ever show his love for Esmeralda?
Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?
Find out, in the 1923 silent classic "The Hunchback of Notre Dame."

RDHP Ratings and Review

C-Rating: 2.0
Chris Dimick modos: "Can one actor's performance carry an entire film? Can someone be so great that you can overlook other flaws and faults and declare a movie entertaining based on the merits of one person. I don't believe so, but if anyone has ever come close, it is Lon Chaney Sr. in this film.

"The Man of a Thousand Faces" certainly donned an ugly one for his portrayal of the hunchbacked Quasimodo. In addition to being an actor, Lon was also a master makeup artist, and helped craft many of his faces including Quasimodo and his follow up horror role, the Phantom in Phantom of the Opera. The man even fathered horror, serving as father to Lon Chaney Jr. who would find fame playing first the Wolf Man and then even Frankenstein and Dracula.

But back to Senior, who we have given much love to before when we screened his "The Unknown," Film #20 in the RDHP.

As Quasimodo, Lon was brilliant. He leaped and crouched, did acrobatics on a staged Notre Dame overhang that would make both Olympic parallel bar contestants and circus freaks blush. He licked his lips over a hideous snarl of summer teeth (summer here, some are there). He emoted contempt, pain, torture, and sorrow... all without a single line of dialog.

If I was grading Lon Chaney's performance in this film, I would give him a 5.0. But sadly his surroundings didn't compare, and hence this film gets a 2.0.

On the set

The plot was typical star-crossed lovers bull-hockey. The movie was much too long for a silent film (1h 41min). And while the scope and cinematography was probably mind bending in its day, with the massive sets, thousands of extras, and elaborate fighting chaos, it didn't hold up to modern day pizzazz. Comparisons aside, the film was beautiful... but if this movie has taught us anything, it's that beauty alone doesn't a good thing make.

Lon, I give you claps. Movie, I give you snores."

N-Rating: 3.2
Nick Rich modos: "Poor Quasi! Chris fell prey to the peer pressure of the mob in The Hunchback of Notre Dame and began hating on your movie! I on the other had didn't cave in under the pressure...

Mobs. Hating since, well, ever.

Sure, I wanted to fit in and be cool just like all of the other kids who were ragging on your work to make themselves feel and look better, but Quasi, you showed me something I had never seen before: an impressive silent film. 

Yes, Quasi was blue.
To my recollection, Hunchback was the first silent film I saw in its entirety as an adult (I fell asleep to Metropolis during a high school film class) and it was definitely the first one I saw in a theater. At first I thought seeing a silent would be an adventure, but that I wouldn't really enjoy it... but Quasi made me think differently. Sure, by today's standards there were limitations to film making at the time, but the creative use of colored slides (the night scenes looked blue and indoor scenes looked yellow, while the rest of the film was in black and white) genuinely surprised me and the emotion conveyed by the muted thespians succeeded in striking a cord in me - almost 100 years after it was filmed. All of which left me impressed and open to exploring more silent films.

In fact, you might say The Hunchback of Notre Dame had a hand in creating the RDHP. You see, the first and only year I have been able to attend the Music Box Massacre (a 24 hour horror movie marathon in Chicago) with Chris, Hunchback was the first film. We had been Skyping and watching horror films together before attending the event, but after being exposed to several great older films, we both were bitten by the bug to experience horror throughout cinematic history... and Hunchback's impressive showing had a hand in that.  

Talk about impressive - Phoebus' hair was off the chain(mail)! 

While we're mentioning facts: did you know that Hunchback was the only filmed released in 1923 that can even come remotely close to being considered a horror movie? While Chris and I try to watch films in the project that at least one of us hasn't seen before, 1923 left us no choice! Good thing Quasi was there to swoop in to the rescue! Oh, Quasi... you've given me so much and received so little. I hope wherever you are you're happily hurling people off of a Gothic structure.

The Skinny: Check this flick out if you've ever wondered what I would look like as a Captain of the guard in 15th century France or if you want your insides stirred by a plastic encrusted man-beast."

Things We Learned from The Hunchback of Notre Dame:
-Skype is not better for movie watching than the Music Box Theater.
-Even the deaf love church bells.
-Old school Frenchmen loved them some goat!
-One bare shoulder can make a man go wild.
-Jackalopes are lame.
-Swift run the sands of time, expect in the hour of pain.
-Quasimodo licks his lips more than L.L. Cool J.
-Some people have so little misery, they must create more.
-When honesty doesn't matter, you resort to torture.
-Unrestrained pleasure involves dressing like a monkey:

Quote of the Viewing:
[An aristocrat woman is sporting a hat that has two large loops on the top of it, joining together flush as if butt cheeks.]

Nick: "She is wearing two large buttocks on her head."
Chris: "I've heard of buttheads, but this is ridiculous."
Nick: "That stinks."

RDHP Presents:
Creatures More or Equal Too Quasimodo's Ugly
Tyra Banks would not be a fan of Quasimodo. The back-humps, the diseased cloudy right eye, and all the nasty lip-licking is not top model material (even during the fatty "cycle"). But that isn't to say olde 'Modo doesn't look Quasi attractive when set next to these butterfaces.

Below, we examine creatures that would make a blind man cover his eyes. To really throw salt in a wound, we've thrown in a overly mean joke as well, in honor of this movie... which taught us how to hate ugly. That was the morale, right?

Hey you guys! Hey, you guys, seriously, come back.
"Sloth, you're so ugly, when you walk into the bank they turn off the cameras."

Clint Howard
When you have to say Ron Howard got all the looks in the family... that doesn't bode well for his brother Clint.
"Clint, you're so ugly, you went to a haunted house and came out with an application."

Anne Hathaway
Anne is so ugly, even her facial features are running away from her... in different directions.
Wait, the so ugly joke is supposed to come last.
"Anne, you're so ugly, you have to sneak up on your mirror."

The Cat Lady
Ahhhhhhh, yep, there it is. We peed our pants due to the horror this picture induces.
"Internet Cat Lady, you're so ugly, you have to Trick or Treat by phone."

The Kardashian Family
Sure, on the outside they are prettier than Quasimodo. But their insides are uglier than Quasimodo's last shoot in Playgirl. You know, the one that caused all those self-blindings. The full frontal.
"Kardashian Family, you're so ugly, the tide wouldn't bring you in."