Friday, December 2, 2011

Film #85: Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937)

This week on a new episode of the “Sister Husbands of the Enchanted Forest,” Snow White and her seven short suitors get into a tiff when Grumpy decides only HE should get head kisses from their “hi-ho” Snow.

“Now Grumpy, you know I need to spread it around,” Snow White says. “You will get one kiss on the head just like the rest of your sister husbands.”

Things get really tense when Dopey relieves himself in a fresh baked gooseberry pie in order to get back at Happy for hogging all the Xanax – the only medicine that dulls the heartbreak of plural marriage.
All this and more coming up on the “Sister Husbands of the Enchanted Forest!”

Snow White is such a slut. Even when dressed in rags she is still catching the eye of both Fairytale Princes and Magic Mirror Men. White’s Wicked Queen stepmother has known the allure of Snow’s young charms for years, and tried to hide them behind potato sack dresses and chimney stained cheeks.

After all, the Queen must remain the fairest of them all. But you know what happens to people who put everything into their looks. They eventually go broke. And break is just what the Queen does one day when her Magic Mirror tells her that Snow White – not her crow’s feeted old ass – win’s People Magazine’s Sexiest Woman of the Year.

In a rage, the Queen orders her P-Whipped boytoy The Huntsman to track down Snow White and make her pretty no more. 
He must either bring the Queen the heart of the White trixie, or face her womanly wrath. Wisely, he goes with the murder. 
But when it comes time to slay Snow White as she innocently sings whimsical songs to a slew of animal friends, he just can’t bring himself to commit the heinous act.
 “Run far far away into the forest and avoid your doom!” The Huntsman commands Snow White.

So she books it out of there, soon relying on her new found animal friends to help her survive. 
The birds regurgitate partially digested worm guts into her mouth for food; she drinks deer urine for strength, and snuggles up inside a freshly gutted grizzly bear’s stomach at night for warmth. Luke Skywalker Hoth-style.

 Done with roughing it, Snow White asks the animals where she can get three hots and a cot in the forest. The critters lead her to the isolated home of the Seven Dwarfs, a band of diamond mining, work-loving, clean-hating mini-men.

White strikes a deal with the dinks; she’ll cook and clean and stroke their beards if the dwarfs give her safe harbor from the murderous queen.
All except Grumpy accept the offer. What a jerk.
Snow White is saved! Yay! Until the all-seeing Big Brother magic mirror tracks down Snow White for the Queen, who decides to take her fairest step-daughter’s demise into her own hands – literally.

 Will the Queen turn Snow White black?
Will someday Snow White’s prince come?
Can seven men share one woman?
Find out in the 1937 animated Disney classic, “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.”

RDHP Ratings and Reviews

C-Rating: 4.2
Chris Dimick whistles:
“Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs is a horror movie. 
Yes, it is an animated Disney feature. 
Yes, it is about a band of merry, singing dwarfs and a beautiful animal communicating princess.

But it is also about an insanely jealous mother who orders her lover to murder her stepdaughter for being too beautiful. 

Not just murdered though, she wants her stepdaughters heart ripped out of her chest and brought to her.

It is about Snow White, terrified, running through an evil and frightening forest, so scary that she collapses. It is about a band of dwarfs who return from work to find not only evidence that someone has broken into their house, but that it is haunted by a giant ghost ready to kill them. 

And when the Queen’s heart-ripping scheme fails, the film shows the insane Queen walking down into her torture chamber and mixing up some black magic that not only turns her into a hideous witch, but creates a poisonious apple that causes those who eat it to fall into a zombie like death sleep.
Oh yeah, and when Snow White “dies,” the Dwarfs build her a glass coffin so they can watch over her dead body.

Pretty dark stuff for a “children’s classic.” But don’t blame Walt Disney, who created this stunning animation masterpiece – the first ever feature length animated film. Walt got this story from the Brothers Grimm Fairy Tales, which never shied away from the grotesque.
After all Hansel and Gretel did burn a woman alive. 

The films horror currents will be on more prominent display next year. There are currently two live action Hollywood productions that take the horror of this legend to new lengths; “Snow White and the Huntsman”  staring Twitard Kristen Steward in the title role, opens June 29, 2012; and Universal Studio’s “The Brothers Grimm: Snow White” starring Julia Roberts as the wicked queen, opens June 1, 2012. (It’s a live action Snow White smackdown fight!)

Watching this film as an adult was an enlightening experience. You can truly appreciate Disney’s vision and genius. 
It’s easy to get lost in the fairy tale drawings that have 1930s style to them, but look as clear as if done via computer.
This is the type of horror that is more engrossing than terrifying. The spook scenes are just too beautiful and whimsical to be scary… at least for an adult. Much like Frankenstein or The Wolf Man. It is scary beautiful.

Parents might think twice today about showing their toddlers this tale of jealousy, vanity, and murder. But they shouldn’t. Kids movies and shows are too watered down and PC in this frightened age. I know the 30s was a different era, where parents didn’t shield children as much as today. 
Still, Disney had some chutzpa for sticking to the Grimm tale and showing what real monsters human beings can be.

However, the film isn’t perfect. Many of the scenes feel padded, like a cartoon that has gone on beyond its premise. The ending is also too abrupt and doesn’t fit the mood of the rest of the film (almost like two acts, the first 78 minutes, and the second 2 minutes). But nobody’s perfect… except of course Snow White!

There are no marauding psychos chasing sexy teens or bug-eyed ghosts hunting scared suburbanites. But this film is a horror movie nonetheless.
Don’t be ashamed if you close your eyes once or twice.

N-Rating: 4.2
Nick Rich whistles:
“If you would, please indulge me a moment:

[Clears throat]
(echo: Hi-Hooooooooooo!)
Hi-Ho (echo: Hi-Ho)! Hi-HOOOOOOO!!
Hi-Ho! Hi-Ho! It's off to blog I go!
Hi-Ho! Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho!

Ah! Refreshing! I'd forgotten just how refreshing until I revisited Snow White and her Seven Dwarf pals in this week's film of the same-ish name. Don't believe me? Go ahead and give it a try yourself, don't be bashful. You've got the lyrics a few sentences above... try singing it out and see how it feels! I guarantee it will make your heart swell and your feet feel lighter (it's no wonder this song is the traveling mantra of our pint-sized pals)!

You have to respect peeps who make their own tunes!

What's that you say? You're not alone, you're at the office? Well give it a try, singing all the louder! It's scientifically proven that once instigated 99 out of 100 people will join in singing this tune -unfortunately for me during our viewing I discovered Chris is among the 1% the doesn't respond) - which will surely energize your office thereby boosting efficiency and getting you that raise you've been pining after! See what a little song can do?!?

Now that I've gotten a song out of my system we can get down to business. I know what you're thinking... Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs is a horror film?!? The short answer? YES! Don't believe me? Check out this picture:

Just try and find 'Happy' in this picture

Creepy right? That's because when you remove all of the polish Disney put on Snow White, you get a glimpse of a messed up story with some messed up characters. I won't rehash all of the points Chris mentioned above, but touch upon some horrific themes he didn't mention.

Five Horrific Themes from Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs:

The evil queen degrades then destroys herself in her quest for beauty.
Hrmm... making myself ugly to be the most beautiful
sounds just crazy enough to work!

The dwarfs toil day and night for diamonds that apparently have no value (as evidenced by the state of the dwarf's lifestyle) except the joy that is produced by mining them... so the dwarfs end up working to get money not because they need it, but because they love to get it. 

Dig, dig, dig, indeed...

Bachelorhood (aka Loneliness)
The dwarfs live in a wretched display of funky solitude (a deer licking their plates is 'cleaning' up!)... if you can't relate to the horror of this situation just recall the last time you visited a bachelor pad unannounced. 

You found what, where?!?

True Love
There is nothing scarier than believing in romantic love at first sight... it reveals the psyche of a person who will set up their relationship for a terrifying lifetime of horrifying situations of doomed expectations.

This scene has spurned more horror in real life than any other horror film in history.

I happen to find it soothing and joyful... but if you're like Chris, then hearing someone sing joyfully sends a cold shudder down your spine!

I think I've proven my point. About the only thing that bothered me about this flick was how easy it was for the dwarfs to mine the diamonds! Those puppies were practically falling out of the walls of the mine and don't get me started on the number of them! I know it's a cartoon, but come ON, there's more diamonds in that mine than bacteria in my mouth!

In case you were wondering what reality doesn't look like...

You may be wondering why I rated this film so high when it didn't produce any real scares and obviously butchered the lifestyle of miners... well, just watch it! It absolutely boggles the mind to think that this film was made in 1937 and that the entire thing was drawn by hand! Walt, you deserve more props than a Hollywood studio for creating this film! 

Notice my scarf did you? Of course you did.

The Skinny: Check this flick out if you feel like take a trip back to your childhood (you don't have to wait till you have kids) or if you've ever wondered what life would be like if you could spontaneously burst into coordinated song and dance with those around you at any given moment.”


Things We Learned from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs:
-A “scullery maid” is a raggedy princess.
-Rags can’t hid one’s gentle grace.
-Wells grant wishes for charming men.
-In the ‘30s, you can fall in love instantly (as we’ve known all along).
-Kiss transference and bestiality are not the same.
-“All females is poison.”
-Missing a pillow? Fluff a friends butt.
-Animals are horrible at washing dishes.
-Necrophilia is okay when committed by a Charming Prince.
-Nick whistles to animals.
-“Give a woman an inch, and she will walk over you a mile.”
-Too much mining lowers a diamond’s value.
-Dwarfs know how to thrown down a yodel.
-Dwarfs have mad bling:

Quote of the Viewing:
[After being ordered by Snow White to wash up before supper, all the dwarfs comply except Grumpy. The other dwarfs don’t like that, and soon wash Grumpy themselves by repeatedly dunking him in the water – head first and backwards.]

Nick: “Are they water-boarding him?”

RDHP Presents:
Seven Dwarfs; Seven Diseases
Snow White better keep her distance. They sure look cute and cuddly in this animated movie. But take a second look at the seven dwarfs and you’ll realize they are rife with medical aliments! Below, we examine the actual disease that make the dwarfs they way they are.


Disease: Social Anxiety Disorder
Symptoms: Bashful becomes extremely shy and nervous whenever he speaks in public, to the point his disorder causes blushing and cripples his motor skills.


Disease: Serve Depression
Symptoms: Grumpy always sports a frown, hates everything and everybody, and acts like he wants to cut his wrists with his merry ax. Cheer up, homie, you are a diamond mogul!


Disease: Dyslexia and Stuttering
Symptoms: Doc can’t finish a sentence without mixing up all the words. And that is when he finally does get a sentence through his stuttering mush mouth.


Disease: Mania (insanity)
Symptoms: Come on, who is happy all the time?! Happy is, but he shouldn’t be. For one, he has to share Snow White with six other dudes. Second, he has a billion dollar diamond mine but still lives in a tiny room in the middle of a forest. But he still smiles and laughs like a jackass all day long. What a nutcase.


Disease: Narcolepsy
Symptoms: Even though he sleeps all day, Sleepy always wakes up tired. And he can fall asleep anytime, anywhere – even in a wheelbarrow full of diamonds. Pass this man some methed-coffee.


Disease: Bird Flu
Symptoms: Our guess is all this sneezing is a symptom of the Bird Flu, which Sneezy picked up after Snow White had her birdie-minions clean the dwarf’s dishes for her. Best get in all the head kisses Snow White can dish out now, dude, cause your days are numbered.


Disease: Mental and physical retardation
Symptoms: He can’t talk, can’t grow a beard, and can’t do normal dwarf work. And he is small, even by dwarf standards. Pull around the short bus, time to get dopey to the mine for more slave labor.


Disease: Alcoholism
Symptoms: Oops, wrong set of dwarfs, Surly is one of the Seven Duffs – a Simpsons spoof on the dwarfs that parade around fictional Duff beer’s Duff Gardens theme park. Funny that a depressant would make one mean.


  1. Just watched this yesterday and noticed the deer licking plates, gross! LOL Very funny post. Thanks :)