Tuesday, November 23, 2010

The Bloody, Beating Heart of Thanksgiving
By Nick Rich

Oh Thanksgiving.

Day in which we gorge ourselves until we resemble the fowl creature we just ingested... can you think of a better holiday? I can't (well, I can, but my stomach can't). Between the stuffing, turkey, mashed potatoes, scalloped corn and candied yams I don't know what to do with myself! Faced with such a situation my brain shuts down and I succumb to my instincts and just eat, filling my gullet until it brims over; then shoveling in a bit more an hour later.

There are many days that fight to fill our waistlines throughout the year, but Thanksgiving puts them all to shame with its singular focus on the art of gorging one's self to almost horrific proportions. Gorging aside, there's something at the core of this caloric holiday that rings true to something deeper within us all.

Have you ever stopped to think about what it is that drives every man, woman, child and rodeo clown on this oxygen pup-tent we call home? Well friends, fear not for I have! As varied as we all are the world over there is one thing that drives us all: hunger.
Whether you're black or white, Team Edward or Team Werewolf Kid, Republican or Democrat, Amos or Andy... We all hunger.

We hunger for love... hunger for attention... hunger for purpose... hunger for security... hunger for Jimmy Johns... hunger for puppies... hunger for the next Walking Dead episode...
We all hunger for something. (For the record I'm pretty sure rodeo clowns hunger for fair wages, Roth IRAs and reconciliation with their old man... oh, and Twinkies wearing cowboy hats)

Do you know what else gentle readers? Monsters are no different! So in honor of the holiday that is all about hunger, gluttony and general decadence when it comes to being satiated I've compiled a list of what monsters hunger for - think of it the RDHP's version of the Thanksgiving tradition of going around the table and stating what you are thankful for. As you think about the 4,000 calories you consumed yesterday and try not to relapse into your food coma, please exercise your mind by reading about the voracious appetites of some of the most famous monsters around.

As the main man of the things that go bump in the night Dracula has many appetites, among which are: medallions, lint rollers, stain removers and a sensible wardrobe selection for his ladies... oh, and blood.
He kinda likes blood too.

Often misunderstood, these gentle creatures are only searching for someone named "Briiiiian".
No. Wait. They could be searching for 'brains'. I'll leave it to you to decide which is more likely.

Talk about misunderstood! All the original monster every wanted was that which we all hunger for and his doomed fate could never afford him: love.

Besides eating after midnight and skinny dipping, these purveyors of mayhem hunger for social interaction as can be attested to by their finale demise scenes in Gremlins 1 & 2.
On a personal note, to this day, one of the most disgusting movie scenes I have ever seen is the cringe-inducing, fog-lensed shot of a group of Mogwais munching on leftover chicken that Billy has mistakenly given them after the witching hour in 1984's Gremlins. I can still hear their tiny lips smacking!!! Ewww!

The Wolfman
This feral beast on the prowl only hungers for two things:
1) Destruction
2) Spandex (so he can stop ruining his wardrobe every time he transforms!)

Jason Voorhees
Paramount in Mr. Voorhees still, rotting heart is the purity of today's young people.
He is a strong advocate of personal responsibility, abstinence and prohibiting underage drinking/illegal drug use. Mr. Voorhees is also eager to engage the opposition in lively discourse about said subjects.

The Mummy
Mothballs. 'Nuff said.

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