Film #10: Diabolique (1955)

Certain acts should always be avoided if one values life.
Never pull a wig off a tranny.
Don’t dare eat anything from a strip club buffet.

And never, ever piss off a French chick.

Dose bitches be crazy, dawg!

No one understands this latter lesson better than Michel Delassalle, the pivot of a Paris love triangle in the 1955 film “Diabolique.” Michel is married to Christina, a mouse of a woman who runs a poor-as-dirt boarding school and literally suffers from a broken heart. Olde Michel is quite a bag o’dicks – a favorite pastime of his is beating his sickly wife and doing the nasty with Nicole Horner, a sultry teacher at the school. Christina is a former nun, and believes that if she divorces Michel not only will she go to hell, but violent Michel will immediately send her there. Things seem hopeless, and her heart condition is only getting worse. But soon beating his wife isn’t enough for Michel, and he starts bouncing mistress Nicole off the walls. Admiring each other’s bruises, Nicole and Christina form a strange bond over their hatred for Michel and the two decide to end their torment once and for all. They’s gonna whack dat mutherfockle!

The women drug and drown Michel in a bathtub, then move him to the school pool in an attempt to make his death seem accidental like. But when the pool is drained, Michel’s body is nowhere to be found. What!?
Soon strange occurrences related to Michel being to plague the murderous mademoiselles, and the two are left to question, “Is Michel alive? Is he a zombie? Is someone just f-ing with our heads?”
Murder and mystery entwine in the 1955 psychological thriller “Diabolique.”



The Low-Down:
An ending can make or break a film. The producers of Diabolique realized this, and deliver a great twist in the last three minutes that leaves a viewer with more than a smile. But can a great ending alone dictate whether or not a film is enjoyable? The RDHP has struggled with this question in the past, and continues to do so when it comes to Diabolique. The great ending was preceded by a somewhat humdrum, slow start and mediocre middle.

Of course, we would never give away this or any ending. So conversation on the topic is tricky. Let’s put it this way. This film is like a somewhat lame magic trick. The magician had us looking one way, while sneakily conducting “magic” in his other hand. When we turn back, presto, a bunny in a hat! Now, I’m sure the first time this trick was performed people fainted, gasped, and ran to their friends to talk about how they saw this dude make rabbits appear in headwear.

But today, this once innovative trick has become old news, tired, overdone. Sure, most of us don’t know how the magician pulled that rabbit out of the hat, but does it even matter at this point. We know it is a trick. And we know they got us while we were distracted. All that hand waving for minutes on end, and the end result is a stupid bunny in a top hat. Pass.

The same can be said of Diabolique. We’re sure back in 1955 this saucy thriller would have been quite shocking and thrilling, especially the last three minutes. But by today’s standards, especially standards for twist endings, this one just seems like that old tired magic trick. It's quaint, in an old school way. But that's about it. That is not to say this film isn’t worthwhile, we just feel that maybe the magic of this one hasn’t burned strong through the last 55 years. We are jaded now, and not as willing to look one way while the magician creates the magic.

Still, let’s give credit where credit is due. Diabolique is very original for its time, even beyond its chill inducing final minutes. The idea of a wife and mistress teaming up to kill their lover is still tantalizing enough for a Jerry Springer episode. The film is clever in the way it builds tension between the two women – who are more enemies than friends even before the stress of a missing corpse steps on their necks. And of course, there are some great life lessons one can take from this Frenchy-flick.
If there is anything the RDHP’s viewing of Diabolique taught us, it is the only thing worse than crossing a French chick, is crossing two French chicks. Unless you cross them together, but that just might be too many hairy limbs and armpits for one bed. It’s called a razor, ladies!

RDHP Ratings:
C-Rating: 2.9
Chris Dimick ooh-la-la's: “Some film had to follow the masterpiece that was last week’s “Let The Right One In,” and unfortunately for the French it was “Diabolique.” For this guy, a film can’t depend on an awesome ending in order to be considered entertaining. The entire package must be delivered in order to break the “3” rating barrier. Now, this one wasn’t awful to watch. The suspense was wonderful to sit in for two hours, and I loved how the husband’s death was merely an afterthought of the plot. The ditty really started to cook AFTER the corpse was discovered missing, a fresh concept rarely used even in today’s films. Also, the dynamic between the meek wife and the forceful scorned mistress was too irresistible not to like. However, please, don’t try to be freaking’ Sherlock Holmes when watching this movie -- trying to figure out exactly what is going on. Not only do you ruin it for yourself, but for all the other people you brag to after or during the flick. Just sit back, relax, RELAX, and let this movie do the thinking for you. Though I give it a 2.9, I’d still recommend you take a watch on this classic work of horror. Sure, it doesn’t meet 2010 standards, but it’s still better than another Hostel installment.”

N-Rating: 2.6
Nick Rich ooh-la-la's: “I too greatly lament poor Diabolique’s position in following “Let The Right One In”. I mean, McDonalds can be super tasty, but it’s difficult to thoroughly enjoy after you had a Hodad’s burger the day before! I really wanted to give this flick a 2.5, but bumped it up a dial because I’m sure for its time it had some original things going for it… not super original as good ol’ Alfred H. was already kicking out the suspense on the regular… but original enough to distinguish itself. I found myself wanting it to be cinematically stunning, but was woefully left lacking – not to mention the unrealistic nightwear of the former nun! As we’ve established, I am a stickler for authenticity, especially in nightwear. I was on the road to almost believing this character was actually a former nun (and that it wasn’t just written to give the character sympathy) and BAM! They end the film with her in a sultry getup! Ignoring the incongruent apparel, there were some interesting uses of light towards the end, but most of the time this just felt like a conveyer belt film (complete with multiple shadows from one person lingering in the background of some bedroom scenes). I suppose the thing I found most interesting about this film was the expectation that something awesome was going to happen… unfortunately, nothing really did. I agree with Chris, it may not rock your socks off, but contrary to how my review sounds, there were still some good things going on in this one and the ending was genuinely enjoyable. The Skinny: Watch this film if a) you need to be reminded that it’s not worth it to cheat on your spouse, or, b) you want to pretend you have the frayed nerves of a 1950’s girlie girl! (It will make you GASP and say “Oh MY!” quite often – and who doesn’t love to do that?)

Quote of the Viewing:
[Scene: Earlier in the film, Christina had refused to swallow her stinky fish dinner in the school cafeteria despite the repeated demands of Michel to “Swallow, swallow, you're setting a bad example for the children, SWALLOW!” In a later scene, Christina picked up a long, thick loaf of bread and begins chewing, then swallowing.]
Nick: “That's a nice looking baguette.”
Chris: “Oh I see how it is. Typical woman. She won’t swallow when her husband asks her to, but as soon as he’s gone she swallows the first chance she gets.”
Nick: [silence…head shaking…finally laughter] "All I said was that was a nice looking baguette!”

Things the RDHP Learned from Watching “Diabolique”:
-French people love their Radio Jeopardy
-Former nuns wear super sexy sleepwear
-Doctors prognosis on the heart: “When it’s used, it’s used.”
-Water pipes in France sound like a jackhammer
-Phones don’t bite or slap, but French men do
-Both the “f” word and the expression “be cool” were used by 1955 French children
-You can’t have it all… especially if you are a jerky, French, former tennis champion

RDHP Salutes the French!

Eiffel tower

Stinky cheese

Pepe LePew

Mimes

Joan of Arc

Arrogance

Napoleon

French toast

Hairy women

Douchey men

Nazi occupation

“Stupeed Americun” Xenophobic French Jokes of the Week:
Q: How do you get a French waiter's attention?
A: Start ordering in German.

Q. How many jokes are there about the French?
A. One, the rest are true.

Q. What do women who are snipers in the French military use as camouflage?
A. Their armpits.

Q. What is the first thing the French teach their kids in school?
A. How to say "We Surrender" in German.

Q. What’s the difference between a Frenchmen and a bucket of shit?
A. The bucket.

Film #9: Let The Right One In (2008)

Vampires are sexy. So says pop culture.
And who can blame 'em!
Vampires have milk-white, cold, dead flesh. They indiscriminately drink warm blood out of man and beast with snarled teeth. And at moments notice they can turn into a rabid, hairy, squealing creature. Huh. On second thought, the RHDP thinks pop culture got this one wrong.

But vampires are sexy to Oskar, the 12-year-old lead character in the 2008 Danish film "Let the Right One In." However, we think Oskar would find a two headed goat sexy if it nuzzled his crotch right. You see, Oskar is sort of an attention starved sad sack.

First off, he lives in a crappy Swedish apartment complex, which is two fallen roof shingles away from Cabrini-Green status. Perpetually bullied at school, wimpy Oskar passes his after-school hours with fantasies of gutting his tormentors with a hunting knife. One night while practicing his stabbing technique on an innocent front lawn tree, a mysterious girl named Eli appears behind him. She's impressed by his knife work, and the two strike up a convo. Seems Eli and her "father" are new in town, and just moved in next door to Oskar. A few chance meetings turn into planned dates, and soon little Oskar is sharing blood-stained kisses with his new steady ghoul-friend. Poor Oskar, can't catch a break. He must have known his first chance at scoring would come with an asterisk.

As Eli eventually points out, she is not your average girl-next-door, but a vampire responsible for the various deaths occurring in town. (I've heard of a girl draining a fella's life force, but geez!) Each day, as the body count rises, so does Oskar blood temperature for Eli. But is the vixen merely getting him hot because she wants a home cooked warm meal? Oskar has a decision to make: continue to cohort with the hungry, murderous Eli, or turn his back on his one true friend and lover. Vampy action abounds in the 2008 frightfest "Let the Right One In."




The Low-Down:
America, you have a thing or two to learn from those damn foreigners. We have been getting SCHOOLED by overseas horror filmmakers for the last ten years. "Let the Right One In" sinks that point in with two sharp fangs. Original, touching, and shock inducing, this Swedish film gave the RHDP a reason to once again embrace the recently soiled name of the vampire (And let me tell ya, did this one ever drink deep from our necks).

Who would have thought that an art film production and horror premise would mix so well? Each step of this film felt precisely constructed, deliberate -- and assembled into a solid paved plot walkway that any viewer could happily skip across.

The cinematography was stunning. Each shot was like a demented Swedish postcard. Red blood never looked so beautiful applied to snow. In fact, the scenery and cinematography were so soothing that when something truly horrific did happen, the shock seemed that much more satisfying. It was like awaking from a soft dream of snuggling with kittens only to find yourself actually in a gutter rubbing AIDS infected rats on across your face.

And when it came to shock, this one didn't disappoint. Some vampire movies make their death scenes all pussified and romantic. This one went right for the jugular (YES, PUN!), with seemingly harmless Eli catching prey off guard and just savagely rocking the mofos. Throw in a little violent spontaneous combustion, a head twisted backwards, a man melting his face with acid, and some mind-bending vampiric anatomical curiosities (trust us, it’s messed up!), and this one might finally scare some sense into all those Twitards. Vampires should be scary, and "Let the Right One In" brings the genre back to its roots. Sorry, Britney, Edward may seem sexy, but he should be much more bite than babe.

RHDP Ratings:
C-Rating: 4.8
Chris Dimick declares: "I can't go against Bela Lugosi and his 1931 portrayal of Dracula. That is a classic, and incomparable to any film. But take that out of the running, and "Let The Right One In" is the best vampire movie I have ever seen. Vampire movies are usually all up in your grill with their historical subtext and sexiness. This movie goes for a more realistic take on the legend, and doesn't dwell that much in the lore. A very fresh approach.
Not much really happens plot wise in this movie. This would usually make for an annoying snail's pace. But this is a work of subtly, a gasp that starts soft and eventually grows into a blood dispelling scream. Subtlety is where most horror movies falter, which is why it is so refreshing to view a film that excels in this area. Life, and especially love, are a series of moments stacked atop each other until the mind sums those parts into an experience or relationship. This film perfectly portrays that. It's the story of love and attraction, how a million little moments can build into a deep bond with a person -- human or vampire. Brick by brick, the young kids' relationship grows. And scene by scene, I fell in love with this no-holds-barred, smart flick."

N-Rating: 4.9
Nick Rich declares: "I was captivated from the first shot, darkness with snow sweeping in. When thinking back on this film I can’t come up with a single thing I didn’t like (hence the 4.9). There were some negative feelings when I thought of certain parts, but they were because the characters made me feel that way – not because the film was lacking. This film has everything I love in a horror movie: realism (you felt like there was a documentary crew following the Norwegian townsfolk around, and everyone looked average or below), stillness (the establishing shots were amazing in this film, you felt like you were living with the characters in the barren winter landscape), subtly (the relationships between all the characters were not overly defined, which stimulated the brain as it watched), creativity (everyone knows the story of the vampire, but this film made me feel as if I had only heard rumors and was now truly encountering them) and shocking moments (there were multiple times where I was genuinely caught off guard and could only screech “Ohh!” in response). This film was a pleasure to watch, a feast for the eyes that works its way into the mind. The Skinny: check this film out if you secretly love art house films but are too ashamed to tell anyone you love art house films; it will not disappoint."

Quote of the Viewing:
[Eli lies down naked in bed with Oskar, and soon tells him again that she is "not a girl."]
Chris: "When your girlfriend tells you she isn't a girl, and she is laying behind your naked ass, shouldn't you be concerned?"
Nick: "Oskar, he is a troubled boy, Chris. Remember, he sleeps with a knife under his bed."
(pause)
Nick: "And he wears whitey-tighties... in freezing Sweden. Yep...issues."

People the RDHP Would be Most Scared to See as 12-year-olds FOREVER:
- Regis Philbin. Can you imagine a world with his random outbursts coming from a pre-pubescent voice for all time? We can… and it’s terrifying!
- Albert Einstein
- Edgar Allen Poe. It’s creepy to see a mustache on a 12-year-old, and depressed child vampires are, well… depressing.
- John and Kate Gosselin's kids. If they remained kids forever, it'd mean a forever of their parents on TV. Shudder!
- Al Sharpton. He is creepy no matter what age.

Reasons the RDHP Would Wear Whitey-Tighties:
- To avert a global apocalypse
- If wearing them would allow us to time travel
- Age related “body changes”
- To scare off attacking Norsemen. Try it, it totally works.
- To enhance our bulges:

Sorry Mom, but you started us wearing them!

RDHP Vampire Hall of Fame:

Bela Lugosi

Christopher Lee

Dick Cheney

Kirsten Dunst

Whores in "From Dusk Till Dawn"

Spencer Pratt

Film #8: The Innocents (1961)

Children are friggin' creepy.
I mean, just look at ‘em.
They’ve been creepy from the start. Squirming and growing inside a woman’s abdomen!? Like some sort hybrid Alien creature? Ewww. After birth (now THAT is horror), babies take to snot covered upper lips and constant ear-piercing screams. Unsettling, to say the least.
And even if you are the nicest, most kind parent, who’s to say your spawn won’t spaz one day and stab you in your sleep -- merely for denying them late-night ice cream? After all, they have access to your unguarded bedroom.
See -- Creeeeeeeeeeeeeeepy.

Still, most tykes aren’t nearly as frightening as the chilling children featured in the 1961 movie “The Innocents.” Now these kids will make you mess your underoos. In the flick, middle-aged spinster Miss Giddens is hired by an insanely wealthy Londoner to take care of his eeire niece and nephew, Flora and Miles, in a beautiful countryside mansion. The brats’ parents kicked the bucket, and were forced upon richie in spite of much protest. Not wanting anything to do with children (smart man), the uncle sent his wards away to his country home. But after their first nanny mysteriously croaked, a replacement was needed to look after the innocent cubs. Cue Miss Giddens, a woman who had always wanted children but could never trick a man to sleep with her. Now all of a sudden look what she’s got. Two seemingly perfect angels under her care. The run of a huge mansion on a beautiful estate. All the tea and crumpets she can shove into her wrinkled face. Big pimpin’, right?!

Wellllllllllllllllll, this is a horror movie after all. Soon those little angels start to show their true colors, and we aren’t talking petty arguments over bedtimes or tracking mud in from the garden. Spooky ghost sightings begin, horrific tales of past deaths in the mansion are reveled, and Miss Giddens soon suspects those tiny humans under her care might just contain more than one devilish soul. Weirdo kids abound in the 1961 mind-freak “The Innocents.”



The Low-Down:
This one is ahead of its time, for subject matter alone. The RDHP is just gonna put it out there, right now, and let it sit on your mind like a fat man on a bicycle seat. This film features twinges of woman-boy love. And we are not talking Demi Moore/Ashton Kutcher oh-you-go-miss-moore-gettin’-yo-self-some-young-man-meat cougar action. This is middle-aged woman and nine-year-old boy action. Yikes.
Now, let’s be fair. This is not the main subject of the movie, just a side plot that makes perfect sense in the context of this ghost story. This is also 1961, and nothing graphic is shown or even suggested. We hate to give away spoilers, so we’ll just have to leave you wondering how this film's context can shape pedophilia. But it does. And that is one of its greatest qualities.
The Innocents should be a cliché ghost story. The premise seems so worn. Somewhat unstable woman takes care of children in a haunted house. Screams ensue. Roll credits. But this one is much more complex. The cinematography and direction make the film enchanting to watch. Gorgeous English countryside doesn’t hurt either. There were sections of this film when various images of the ghosts gave some in the RDHP literal chills.

Setting goes so far in horror films, and this is no exception. The sometimes painfully slow build of tension as Miss Giddens figures out “What the fudge is up with those kids” is complemented by atmospheric visuals and excellent acting by all. Child actors usually make the RDHP puke their popcorn. But the performances by the actors who portray Flora and Miles is perfect, with just the right mixture of innocence and drama that is called for in the script.

The movie itself is not perfect, however. Some of the dialog was trite and awkward. The middle sections of the film needed a swig of 5-Hour-Energy, and the “why” certain things were happening to the children could have been spelled out in a clearer way.
The movie is good, but what makes it near great is the last 30 seconds, which overshadows the first hour and thirty minutes. Those 30 seconds surprise you, shock maybe. It was an ending that had the RDHP saying “Oh no you didn’t!?” We think they did, and we think Miss Giddens might just be the founding member NAWBLA (North American Woman/Boy Love Association). Talk about creepy.

RDHP Ratings:
C-Rating: 4.4
Chris Dimick cries: “Leave it to the early 1960s to knock my socks off with a surprisingly fresh, cutting edge and enthralling horror film. The Innocents made me long for the days when movie makers didn’t sacrifice art and substance for effects and sleaze. Just let me get out my soap box here, ugh, UGH, okay, I’m up and ready to rant: New horror films too often rely on gore, violence and shock to ‘scare’ viewers. This has been the case since the early 1970s, but the problem is films like Saw XXVI push the gross gauge further back each time, and we’ve gotten to the point that there is nowhere left to go in torture porn. That crap has just stopped being scary. The older films, like The Innocents, instead relies on atmosphere, tension and plot development to render screams. All those things you learned about in English literature class. And this one still shocks, but for much more subtle reasons. Not perfect, a little slow. But wow, what an ending!”

N-Rating: 3.5
Nick Rich cries: "The thing that made this one all the creepier to me is that my wife wants to have some of these!!! I too enjoyed this flick and while its ending totally redeemed the snails pace that is the first third of the movie, I couldn't bring myself to go quite as high as Chris did in his rating. FYI Chris ain't lying - little British kids in the 60's could act! This film had a constant trickle of creepiness thanks to the tots who were always just a bit off... their behavior felt like a splinter in your mind that you couldn't quite reach to pull out, making Miss Giddens' mounting desperation all the more palpable. Throw in some disturbing spook sightings, interesting camera shots and wild speculation as to what's going on and you have yourself a rodeo! Yee-haw! The Skinny: check this flick out if you're in the mood for a twisted Disney movie, cause Pollyanna takes the gloves off in this one!

Quote of the Viewing:
[SPOILER ALERT]
[Scene: First time caregiver Miss Giddens' actions have driven a girl insane and killed a young boy. She holds the dead boy in her arms, frozen in shock.]
Nick: “I think she is gonna have a hard time finding another job as a nanny.”

Appetizer Clip:

Here's a quick scene to give you a flavor for the deliciousness that is this feature film.

Note: When kids start to sing freaky tunes, you know the hurt is comin'!

Other Children the RDHP Find Creepy:
- The Olsen Twins (You still waiting for them to turn 18, creeper?)
- Zack and Cody
- Dakota Fanning (She carries on the tradition of The Innocents by being a disturbingly articulate child)
- Rahm Emanuel (he’s a kid, right?)
- The Grady Twins
- Tweens (All of them. Hormones, yuk!)
- That Jerry Macuire kid (Why do parents dress children up like adults? CREEPY!)
- Any of Michael Jackson's "kids" (Like father like son? Dear heavens, let’s hope not)

Things the RDHP Learned from “The Innocents”:
- Facing your demons is more than just an expression. It literally works!
- Domestic violence is not something that should be openly discussed
- Children will try to kill you during hide and seek
- Daytime ghost sightings are even scarier than nighttime - you can't ignore/rationalize them!
- If God doesn’t like you, and you die, you become a ghost
- Rich city men HATE orphans
- Never accept a job where your boss says you can never leave their employ (they don't end well!)

Nick's True Story Corner:
One enchanted summer night in my youth, two friends and I decided to watch some horror films in a trailer located in the middle of the woods in northern Michigan (great idea right?). After a few films and well beyond the witching hour, we decided it would be a great idea to take turns sitting in the woods alone on a stump for 20 minutes apiece. Left alone with only our thoughts, the thick night air and fog curling over the moonlit landscape, we unanimously decided thereafter what the most horrifying thing to encounter in that moment would have been: singing children.

Film #7: Let's Scare Jessica To Death (1971)

Please, for your own sake. If you ever get released from a mental institution after six months vacation in Crazyville, don’t move directly into a creepy farmhouse in the middle of a haunted island. It’s not good on the nerves.
Just ask poor Jessica, the title card heroine/foil who learns this lesson the hard way in the 1971 moving picture “Let’s Scare Jessica To Death.” Ohhhh man, and how ever does she get scared.

City girl Jessica is fresh out of Arkham after going what the scientists call “batshitbonkers” (it’s a medical term). Her bald-ass husband Woody and mustachioed best friend Duncan figure it must be the buzz of the city that sent Jessica’s belfry bats flying – after all, they are pretty sick of NYC themselves. So the hippified threesome decide to up and move to a remote island (somehow in the middle of Connecticut?) where they will own and operate a peaceful orchard. What a friggin’ hippie dream fest. It will be, like, so far out man. Little fresh air will be good for Jessie, right? Yeah, not so much.

The group arrives to find the World War I veteran-townspeople don’t take kindly to hippies (damn kids with their standup bass playing, hearse driving, and free love, meeeahhh!). After surviving a near gang-stomp by a group of 87-year-olds, our hippy friends arrive at their orchard, only to find a beautiful fire-crotched squatter chillin’ in their pad. They take a shine to their new flirty friend, even kooky Jessica. Well, that is until she notices that lustful look in her husband’s eye toward the soul-less ginger. Things go even further south when Jessica starts to hear the woman’s voice inside her head.

The fresh air doesn’t help Jessica’s crazies: whispering voices and ghostly apparitions only increase after the group holds a séance in the house. The plot gets thicker than chicken broth when Jessica learns the former occupants of the house met a horrible fate – whole family was slaughtered after their red-headed daughter drown in the adjacent lake. Local legend has it the girl never really drown, but was actually a vampire who continues to feast on the townsfolk (WTF? This is the plot? We're confused...).

Soon, the bodies begin to sprout faster than the apple trees, and Jessica is left to wonder whether the legends are true or if it's all just in her broken head. And just why does that squatter redhead look so much like the drowned girl shown in an old attic-stored picture?
Watch as Jessica finally gets a clue, and then gets freaked-the-fu*k-out, in the 1971 flick “Let’s Scare Jessica To Death.”



The Low-Down:
There are some horror movies that are just so cheesy and poorly written, acted, directed and produced that all you can do is just throw your standards to the stinky wind and sit back to enjoy the filmy mess.
Let’s Scare Jessica To Death is NOT one of these movies… sort of. Unfortunately, it is too good for its own good. Now, that’s not to say this is a masterpiece. Nor is it a so-bad-it's-good poo-fest. This one lies in-between, with both horrible and wonderful moments.
The RDHP had more fun ripping on the movie MST3K-style than actually watching it. But still, there were some captivating moments (similar to how 9/11 was captivating) that had us cringing away from our respective screens.

For example, midway through the movie Woody and Jessica are in bed fighting after old slick-dick made eyes at the "sexy" squatter in front of his mentally-unstable wife. They have this intriguing, surprisingly realistic argument about how Jessica should be sent back to her NYC crazy house and that they should possibly divorce. It was just an awful thing to watch, horrifying actually. It was then we said, "Come on, movie! What the hell? Did we suddenly turn on a melodramatic drama? Is this Revolutionary Road? We shouldn’t be horrified by this type of thing. Where are the dead bodies, the ghosts, the monsters? Now that is horror we enjoy." This scene was just painful, and felt about as good psychologically as running backwards, naked through a cornfield.

It hurt, but in a way, we kind of liked it. It was new, fresh, something never witnessed by us in horror. You gotta like that spunk.

Mix that with the hilarious scenes of the townsfolk. They are anciently old, but are supposed to be a menacing mob hell-bent on kicking some outsider ass. Old people aren’t scary; they shit themselves for mercy-sake. You can’t fear something that shit’s itself, can you! And during these moments, the RDHP felt at home again. "Okay," we said. "Now we are talking, movie. This is a so-bad-it’s-good!"
The duality of this picture left us confused on what to think. This could be a good movie. It could be a bad movie. It could a so-bad-its-good-movie. Hell, we don’t know. Give it a try, and let us know your opinion. Like a deaf corpse, we’re dying to hear from you. (YES, another crappy pun AND a joke that doesn’t make sense!)

RDHP Ratings:
C-rating: 2.5
Chris Dimick screams: “I had fun watching this movie, but it was only partly due to the film. Nick and I had a blast ripping this one up as it glided along the one atom thick ice supporting its plot. See this one with a group of rowdy friends, and you’ll enjoy yourself. Watch it alone, and you will reach the end of confused, depressed and probably a little horny. Then again, this one might just be brilliant. The atmosphere is very creepy, digging deep as it slowly cuts to bone. You see nearly the entire movie from Jessica’s point of view. In fact, the movie really is a story being told by Jessica, as its beginning and end are one in the same. The plot details are not adequately revealed, but really we only find out as much about what is going on as Jessica does. We are taken along on her freak out, left in the scary dark with Jess. Were the horrific events that unfold all just inside Jessica’s demented mind? If that was the point, it was made so dull I could sit on it. And I just did. And it feels amazing.”

N-rating: 2.5
Nick Rich screams: “What to say about Jessica and her 70's-licious world? I've been trying to come up with an answer to this question for over a day now and came up with the following: fallout. To me this movie is about the fallout of many things... the fallout of a new subculture (i.e. hippies vs. WWI)... the fallout of a woman from her traditional role (very 70's, women taking charge, being progressive and slipping into insanity ;P)... the fallout of relationships (see crazy-scary bedroom scene description above)... the fallout of having a mustache (I never knew the dangers until I saw this movie!)... the fallout of ambiguously dead ghost-vampire women (what-what-WHAT!?!?). Like Chris, I was taken aback by this one. Example: I didn't know they were supposed to be on an island until I read Chris's summary above! This movie felt like it was trying too hard to be, like, deep man... really deep... but forgot that depth requires substance. That being said, I did enjoy watching it for the pure early-70's time capsule it was (clothes, hair, people and social climate). I love how the first few years of a decade feel like the last, and you could definitely feel the 60's holding on here. And it did have some beautiful shots (the scenery and colors were breathtaking at times). The Skinny: Watch this film if you like pretty pictures and a) never want to get married (because your woman might turn out to be crazy!) or b) are married and want to face true horror (it makes me tremble just remembering it)!”

A Moment For the Husbands:
Fellas. Hear this, and hear this well. Learn from this movie.
If your wife ever asks if the slutty woman staying in your house is attractive, never, EVER, respond in this manner:
[Scene: Wife and husband Jessica and Woody drive into town after asking the sexy drifter to stay indefinitely at their house]
Jessica: “Do you find her attractive?”
Woody: “Yes.”
[Long awkward silence. Jessica turns away, furious, toward the car window]
DUMBASS! Enjoy sleeping in the cold, buddy.

What Scares the RDHP to Death?
- Daddy's beatings
- Cook County Jail showers
-  Pesticides on our food, but especially sprayed in our face as we are running from vampires!
- Glenn Beck
- Parenthood (children – what little monsters)
- Dying alone
- Earned silence while laying in bed with your spouse
- Hot man breath on our necks
- Grandma’s hairy lipped kisses
- Wives who love to do tombstone engravings just after being released from the nuthouse
- Turtles (they are some creeper-ass amphibians. Think about it.)

P.S. The RDHP doesn't believe the woman pictured above is even the actress from the movie!

Flim #6: The Wolf Man (1941)

We all have a little animal in us.
A side glace at Nick’s back, and you’d swear he was a black bear.
With Chris, there isn’t a dry fire hydrant in the city of Chicago. Hey, when nature calls…
But the RDHP gots nuthin’ on poor Larry Talbot, the tortured soul at the center of the 1941 Universal Studios classic monster flick “The Wolf Man.”

Prodigal son Larry returns to his homeland in middle Europe after 18 years in the bawdy States. His family, the Talbots, are big-wigs in the village with a fancy castle and creepy portraits on the wall. While playing with his father’s new telescope, he spies a fetching young woman named Gwen in the town’s antique shop. He can’t keep his telescopic-eye off her, the peeping tom pervert, and decides to step away from the telescope and visit her in person. She’s engaged, but the little tramp is so charmed by Larry that they make a chaperoned date to visit a gypsy fortune teller.

Jenny the chaperone goes first for her reading so Larry can try and suck some face with Gwen. During the reading, the gypsy flips his shit, and the full moon drives him to hunt down a screaming Jenny the chaperone. Larry runs to her rescue, but soon realizes it isn’t a man attacking Jenny, but a huge wolf. Larry kills the wolf, but during the fight gets bit on the chest. Well, you guessed it, he is fuc*ed. When the coppers arrive, they find not a wolf but the fortune teller dead on the ground! But Larry swears he wrestled with a wolf! Dun-dun-DAAAAAAAA!

Larry soon starts to exhibit some wolf-like behavior, and learns from the fortune teller’s mother that he is now cursed with the same affliction as her son… the curse of the WEREWOLF.
Being a practical man, Larry can’t decide: is he truly afflicted with the ancient doggy curse, or is it just all inside his fragile little head.
Things start to get hairy as Larry embraces his inner animal in the 1941 classic howler “The Wolf Man.”



The Low-Down:
Let’s be honest here. It may be a classic, but Wolf Man is truly a 1940s popcorn flick. Don’t let that turn you off, this one is several hairy hands and feet above todays “strictly for entertainment” wolf-crap fests that fill theaters every few summers (We’re looking at you Twi-tard: New Moon).

What it lacks in brains, the film makes up with heart. The subplot of Larry and Gwen’s star-crossed love is filled with charming dialog and heart-thumping glances. The scenery of the haunted forest known to hold the wolf-man is just the right mix of classic creepy and cinematically beautiful. The special effects are tame by today's standards, but freaked the hell out of 1941 folk. Still, it is fun to watch the wolfy-transformation, and you just gotta love those wolf feet!

The story moves along at a blazing pace, necessary since this film is only 70 minutes long. Its brevity adds to its charm. There are no slow sections, no room to question the premise of a man turning into a wolf. It keeps the fun at full throttle till the unusually depressing (for its time) end.

Just because the film isn’t brainy doesn’t mean it is brainless. The Wolf Man gives you something to think about as well. Larry continually questions whether he is merely imagining he is a werewolf, or if he is indeed physically transforming into a beast. The film comments on the various quagmires that can take hold of the mind. Can a man become a werewolf through thought alone? Should a practical man, one who believes firmly in science, trust in the old country’s gypsy superstitions?

Sure, it’s not much to think about… but at least it throws the mind a soup bone.

True, there are no shirtless, abed-out squish-faced Taylor Lautners in this werewolf flick.

But that fact alone makes this work even more classic.

RDHP Ratings:

C-rating: 4.9

Chris Dimick howls: “Of all the Universal Studios classic horror movies, this is by far my favorite. Better than Dracula. Better than Frankenstein. Better than The Creature from the Black Lagoon. The Wolf Man is just such a fun and endearing movie. The dialog between the characters is witty and quick-paced. The creepy forest setting is delightfully hokey, and Lon Chaney Jr. is great as a ladies’ man turned wolf-creeper.
But I think the thing I love best about this movie is just the premise of the werewolf. What an awesome monster, and a truly horrifying thing to imagine. Anyone can become a werewolf. Pet the wrong snarling dog, and BAM, you are forced to spend your full moons running around pants less and tearing out the throats of random townies. What is terrifying about becoming a werewolf is not just the painful transformation into the beast; it is having to deal with your secret shame once you become human again. During your normal periods, you are psychologically tortured and must dwell on your murderous affliction.
The werewolf monster is really a commentary on the beast within us all. Even if you hate older movies, watch this one. You will enjoy yourself.”

N-rating: 2.7
Nick Rich howls: "Awooooooooo! You may be wondering why I rated this film so low, especially when Chris rated it so high... well let me tell you: the film itself didn't impress me. I loved the idea of it, I loved heatedly talking about it with Chris, shucks I even liked the weird coincidences that happened to me afterward (i.e. noticing that there was almost a full moon the night of the viewing as I was walking home while a random homeless man howled at it. I informed him that I just watched The Wolfman, he smiled and said we could be Wolfmen ourselves (in reference to our beards.)) but as for the movie itself... it was average. The thing I found most memorable about it was the leading lady's wardrobe and the Wolfman's feet (in that order)! Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the film for the most part, especially viewing it with someone as enthusiastic as Chris, but in the scope of the RDHP I felt I had to rate it accordingly. This movie is great for what it is (a popcorn flick) but thanks to our viewing schedule I've been waned from milk to meat - and The Wolfman just didn't have enough bite. The Skinny: watch The Wolfman if you're in the mood for a no-brainer flick where you can let loose Mystery Science Theater 3000 style.

Poem of the Viewing:
Even a man who is pure in heart,
And says his prayers by night,
May become a wolf,
When the wolfbane blooms,
And the autumn moon is bright.

Quote of the Viewing:

[Scene: Gwen’s friend Jenny unexpectedly comes along as a chaperone on Gwen’s date with Larry]

Nick: What is that called when another woman does that… comes along on a date?

Chris: I think it’s called a three-some.

Today’s Stupid, Sexist Wolf Man Joke:

Living with the Wolf Man:

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks.

"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.

"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely.

"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?"

At that moment, the wolf man starts growling and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.
Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."

Film #5: Scanners (1981)

How great would it be to have mind control powers?
You could get the Chipotle burrito-artist to add an extra scoop of steak.
That fat-ass who stands on the down escalator; you could connect to their brain and send them skipping down those stairs.
And that “crazy” thing you’ve wanted to try with handcuffs, a rotted apple, and some KY? Your significant other couldn’t shoot you down this time, thanks to your awesome mind control powers!
To dream, to dream.
But for some, this dream is a waking nightmare. There are those who walk among us, like drifter Cameron Vale, who need only twitch their eyebrows in order to control human minds and bodies in the 1981 horror-thriller “Scanners.” But it ain’t all stuffed burritos and kinky sexy for old Vale.

Of the four billion people on earth in 1981, 237 are Scanners – freaks with the ability to connect their mind and nervous systems to both man and machine. During Scanning, Scanners can read people’s thoughts, control their actions, and, if the mood strikes, even cause their head to explode.

Unable to control the constant voices he hears, Vale had been eking out a living eating discarded hotdogs in malls and ogling old women with sexy legs. Thankfully, we have caring mega-corporations to take care of our street folk.
Canadian weapons and security corporation ConSec (Ohhh, Canada, scary!) forcefully takes in Vale, and gives him a drug that helps him control his Scanning. Then he gets the rundown. He is not the lone Scanner. In fact, there is a large network of the super-humans currently forming underground, with world domination on their revved up brains. ConSec originally tried to work with these Scanners, but after a little mishap with a blown-up scientist, the most powerful scanner in the group, Darryl Revok, revolted and started his own Scan-gang.
ConSec convinces Vale to turn double-agent, infiltrate Revok’s Scanner group, and kill him before he uses his powers to take over the world.

It is a battle of the wits in the 1981 chiller “Scanners.”



Scanners is written and directed by highly underrated director David Cronenberg, a genre master of such horror greats as “The Dead Zone” and “The Fly” remake. Body-horror is Cronenberg’s specialty. While some horror writers go for masked killers or atomic monsters as their villains, Cronenberg recognizes our biggest fear and hatred rests with our own mind and bodies. Disease and deformation strike horror in every man’s heart. We are a vain society, obsessed with looking and thinking perfect. Cronenberg continually exploits these feelings, bringing scares through images of body metamorphosis and hidden insanity. His horror is organic, personal, and terrifying.

What is scarier? An insane ax-wielding manic running toward a helpless heroine, or a mind-controlling psychopath using his powers to extract a man’s eyes from his sockets? You know, eye’s get the RDHP every time.

Scanners isn’t as deep as many of Cronenberg’s other films. There is some commentary about the out-of-control tactics of corporate drug manufacturers. Maybe even a few lessons about the mind's relation to the body.

But above all else, this is a popcorn flick exploring what would happen if a thoroughbred psycho had the power to control and destroy human minds.
Watch, but take note. This flick will blow your mind. Yes! Puns are fun!

RDHP Ratings:
C-Rating: 3.4
Chris Dimick speaks: "Scanners was good, but not great. First, the bad news. The acting was horrrrrrrible at parts, and I'm still not very convinced by that ending. But, there are some great reasons to watch Scanners as well. First, the story is incredible. Another masterpiece from director David Cronenberg, written as only he could. Second, while the acting is bad, the directing saves the movie, still managing to build tension and mood surrounding the unpredictable Scanners. And come on, who doesn't love to see a head explode via telepathy?!"

N-Rating: 3.2
Nick Rich speaks: "I too thought that Scanners was missing something... maybe it just had the great misfortune to follow "M". I enjoyed Scanners and taking a spin down its twisting, 70's-licious turns (i.e. the hair, clothes and make-up on both men and women) leading towards a freaky-deeky ending. But, I wasn't truly romanced by this film. Sure, there were moments that almost blew my mind (sorry I had too :P) and normally I enjoy slow burn films, and part of me did in this case. But more of me wanted the action in this movie to come out of the closet. Thinking back, there was quite a bit of action in this flick... but for some reason it didn't feel like there was a lot... maybe it was the Scanners desensitizing me to their nefarious plot!
The Skinny: watching Scanners gives you the same feeling as hanging out with a mustached man from the 70's - uncomfortable, yet strangely entranced so you remain to see what he will say next."

Clip of the Viewing: I've got a head-ache THIS BIG!



Things RDHP learned from Scanners:
- If you drill a hole in your head to let out “the voices,” cover the wound with a bandage that looks like an eye. It totally fools the voices from coming back in through the head hole.
- Everything is cleaner in Canada, even their homeless people!
- Toronto has an extraordinary amount of mind-controlling Scanners. Must be the combo of cold weather and maple syrup.
- Insane people can be cured via the magic of "art."
- If doubting how to kill a Scanner, always grab for the fully automatic assault shotgun (apparently everyone has one in Toronto).
- Local labor union laws state you need hire a certain percentage of the local "talent" for Canadian shot films. These people add "flavor" to films shot abroad (See the breakout performance of Vale, the main character in Scanners).
- There is no better place for a lounging area than a giant, decapitated head sculpture.
- If veins are rising up out of your face during a Scanner battle, follow Mom’s advice and don’t pick at them.

Things RDHP would do if they were Scanners:
- Get free Slurpees from the local 7-11 Apu.
- Go to the UN and make the assembly do a massive version of "Who's on first?"
- Make that douche-bag from IT walk around the office with his pants down.
- Make people randomly burst out in song and dance a la Disney.
- Force Coca-Cola executives to put their product back in large glass bottles.
- Get Congress to pass a national “Dick-Off Day” in honor of slacking off.
- Stop women from constantly looking at our luscious legs. Our eyes are up here ladies!

There are 4 billion people on earth. 237 are Scanners. They have the most terrifying powers ever created... and they GOT CHRIS!!!

Horror of horrors (and seeing as this is a horror blog I do mean horrors)!! The Rich-Dimick Horror Project had to postpone their 12/15/09 viewing of Scanners due to infection!

Part of the reason Nick and Chris live in U.S. cities so far from each other is so they can have advance warning should the Zombie Apocalypse break out in their prospective regions. Anyone with a lick o' sense will see the logic in this - should an Asian or Central/South America outbreak occur it would quickly migrate to San Diego (where Nick is ever vigil) and if there is ever a European or African outbreak, Chicago, hub of international travel that it is, will most certainly attract oodles of illness (where Chris stands steadfast)!

That being said, I feel compelled to warn everyone that there is a potential outbreak in Chicago! Yes dear readers, as you gaze upon these words The Rich-Dimick Horror Project's very own Chris Dimick is battling off a bitter infection! Little is known at this point as to the infection's origin... but Chris's penchant for eating pigs that solely feed on other pigs makes one wonder if it is the dreaded swi-er, H1N1! (I almost forgot we can't call it swine flu anymore!)

In honor of the harrowing battle Chris is presently engaging in, I have decided to share my

Top 5 Zombie Apocalypse (ZA) Films:

#5. The Omega Man: Charlton Heston teaches us that all one needs to survive the ZA is inept afro'd ghouls, a sassy sista who rules at freeze tag and the ability to be shirtless a much as possible!

#4. Sean of The Dead: If Simon Pegg has shown us anything in this film (besides what NOT to do in a relationship) it's that friendship is forever... even when it begins to stink.

#3. 28 Days Later: Before Danny Boyle went all Bollywood on us, he was making useful films that illustrate how extremist hippies will end civilization as we know it.

#2. Dawn of The Dead (2004): I never tire of watching Zack Snyder's more brawn, less braaaaiinnsss remake - this film solidified that yes, zombies can be fast!

#1. Dawn of The Dead (1978): George A. Romero's masterpiece makes me long for the day the ZA begins! No other film can make you want to live in a dismal, depressing zombie-infested-oh-I-just-had-to-shoot-my-best-friend-in-the-head-world quite like this one... if you haven't seen it, watch it. Now.

Take my advice and add these movies to your Netflix queues before it's too late... because who knows? Chris could be rising from the dead and feasting on his lovely bride as we speak! ZA notwithstanding the RDHP will be back on track next week. Till then: courage.