At Least You're Not in a Horror Movie

Nick is in the agonizing throws of sickness this week.
His head aches, his nose is full of slime, and we won’t even get into what’s going on in his privy.
Yet, a smile should be on his face. You see, at least he isn’t in a horror movie.

Illness has postponed this week’s Rich-Dimick Horror Project viewing. So while Nick gargles saltwater and rubs Vicks on his jungle-like chest, I’d like to use this movie break to discuss just what it is about horror movies that keeps folks like Nick and I so enthralled.

There are many reasons I just can’t stop watching scream-flicks. But here are three:

Reason #1: Better Them Than You

They may be violent, terrifying, disgusting, and at times so depressing you need to hide the razorblades. But regardless of a horror movie’s content, when those credits roll you have to admit you feel better.
What goes down in a horror movie is so bizarre, outlandish, and horrifying that it makes whatever problems you have going on in life seem small in comparison.

Sure, you might have just lost your company $20,000, stubbed your toe on the front porch steps, forgot your spouse’s birthday, and caught the Swine Flu. But at least you are not chained to a dirty bathtub with your only escape the inevitable dismembering of your foot! At least your RV didn’t just break down in the middle of the cannibal infested desert! At least you didn’t just recite a passage from the Necronomicon that summoned evil demons now on a mission to swallow your soul!

Horror movies provide a profound escape into a world that is always much worse than real life. No matter how bad of a day I have, I can pop in Evil Dead 2 and know Bruce Campbell is having a worse one. That is a comforting feeling that cannot be consistently delivered by drama, action, comedy or sci-fi movies.

Horror is the ultimate mood booster. Even if the movie is utterly depressing, at least you know the situation is worse than you’ll probably ever have it. And unlike life, the situation is resolved one way or another in a tidy few hours. Even unhappy endings at least have some resolve!

Reason #2: Like Crack, Minus the Wack

My name is Chris Dimick, and I’m addicted to horror movies.
Seriously, I just can’t get enough of them. For example, the beautiful Music Box Theatre in Chicago hosts a 24-hour horror movie marathon each October. Nick and I attended this fest last year, and after 24 sleepless hours of watching heart-pounding, puke-inducing, side-splitting, mind-freaking movies, we came back to my house and watched, you guessed it, ANOTHER HORROR MOVIE.

Great horror is like a drug to movie fans. Once you get a taste of that sweet sensation, nothing else compares to the buzz. It starts innocently… staying up late with your friends to catch premium channel scary movies after their parents go to bed. Next thing you know your entire paycheck is being spent on William Castle flicks. Rock bottom comes in a dark alley, offering Chinese piracy artists sexual favors in exchange for a copy of the latest "Saw" bootleg. Luckily, though my addiction is strong, I’ve avoided the latter seedy scenario by using Netflix (government controlled and delicious!).

The euphoric feeling at the end of a horror movie is comparable to runner’s high. After miles of frantic sprinting a person can slow to a walk, and feel relaxation wash over the mind. Exhaustion mixes with proud feelings of accomplishment. The journey was taxing and difficult, but it’s over now, and one can revel in the feat – both physical and mental.
The horror movie journey is similar. You have been scared, grossed out, thrilled, joked, and sometimes emotionally touched. As those credit rolls, and you look back at the preceding ride, you can be proud to have hung on for the duration.

Like any powerful drug, these euphoric feelings fade in potency as use increases. But every once in awhile a new stash of film is injected through my eyes that brings back that familiar feeling of ecstasy.
Ingesting a hundred weak “Phantasms” is worth just one “Let the Right One In” or “Inside.”
Horror is just so… far out, man.

Reason #3: Best of all Worlds

When you walk into a horror movie, you never know what genre you are going to see. Will it be mixed with zany goof-ball antics, or will the plot revolve around dramatic personal relationships? Will it be set in the vast reaches of space, or take place in 1700s France.

One thing I have always loved about horror movies is they are not bound to a single genre. They can be comedies, dramas, sci-fi epics, period pieces, war movies, westerns and everything in-between – as long as the situation or plot contains some element of fear, terror, darkness, or horror.

This freeness is refreshing to a movie-watcher. You never truly know what kind of horror movie you are going to get. Also, you never know just what emotions you are going to feel in a horror movie. Sentiment, love, anger, terror, empathy, warm-fuzzy, you name the emotion, you can feel it in a horror movie. Granted, not all movies strive to break new ground. There are definitely piles and piles of rehashed, run of the mill, crap horror movies out there that are just blatant rip-offs of older films.

But even horrible, mind-numbingly stupid horror movies are a blast to watch. If a movie is too bad to respect, one can enjoy it for its awfulness. Expletives and funny comments can be shouted at the screen. You can marvel in its wretchedness, thinking "what in the hell was this writer thinking," and feel good about yourself that you’d never make such a mistake (except for that $20,000 down the drain, but who noticed that anyway).

Bad horror movies are just as fun to watch as great ones. Some quick suggestions, Troll 2 and Feeders are about as awfully good as it gets.
Whether good or bad, a horror movie will in some way always entertain. You just can’t loose with this genre!

Chris’ Top Ten Favorite Horror Movies:

There are dozens of reasons why an individual loves horror films. Above were just three of many personal reasons why I enjoy the genre. Over the years, many great movies and wonderful viewing experiences have built my passion for horror. The following are ten such movies I can never get tired of watching.

A “favorite movies list” should always be evolving. That said, the following list is not meant to be any sort of official endorsement either of my own views on horror or the RDHP. My favorites list is day-to-day, changing with my mood, life situation, and personal experiences.

I’m not saying the following movies should be considered great by others, either. But to me they are perfect. They have affected me in various ways: freaked me, made me laugh, provided an escape from life’s troubles, and represented great times gone by. With that disclaimer, I can say that if you have never seen any of the films on this list, take a chance and give them a watch. They are worth a couple hours of your time.

Top Ten Favorite Horror Movies (in random order):

The Silence of the Lambs (1991)

Superb writing, quirky directing and unforgettable characters. To this day, no villain has scared me more than Buffalo Bill. This flick gives me chills every time. So tense! It puts the lotion on its skin!

Halloween (1978)

The best slasher movie of all time. Though copied a thousand times over it still feels fresh with each viewing. Carpenter’s music is perfect, and Curtis shows she truely is the queen of scream.

Friday the 13th Part 6: Jason Lives (1986)

The best installment of the Friday series. This one relies more on humor and creative “kills” than scares, which makes it endlessly fun to watch over and over. Jason finally becomes undead in Part 6, a nice move.

The Shining (1980)

The most interesting ghost story ever put on screen. Leave it to Stanley Kubrick to produce one of the few horror movie masterpieces. Excellent scary setting and stunning performances. I get chills every time little Danny rounds that corner on his tricycle.

The Mist (2007)

This is a monster movie with a brain. Not only are the creatures freaky, but this movie shows that when disaster strikes it is not the fifth dimension bugs we need to fear, but each other! Great social commentary mixed into a fast and fun movie about killer monsters from beyond our world.

Grindhouse (2007)

Two master filmmakers lending their personal style to the bygone grind house horror genre. Rodriguez’s Planet Terror is bloody, trashy campiness at its finest, while Tarantino’s Death Proof offers the viewer a smooth talking, visually beautiful carmageddon. Throw in some fake trailers from horror’s greatest, and this double feature is perfect modern horror.

Night of the Living Dead (1968)

The film that started the zombie genre. And it is still its best. The zombies are the right mix of intriguing, gross, slow and scary. A great message mixed into the horror. This one packs a deadly bite, and can even still give me goosebumps if watched in the right setting.

Evil Dead 2 (1987)

The whiplash pace of this over-the-top comedy-horror never lets up. What a ride it provides. Regardless of my mood, I can watch Evil Dead 2 and end the movie smiling.

The Wolf Man (1941)

My favorite of the classic, golden age of Universal Studios horror movies. The Wolf Man is just good, clean fun. It has a nice romantic understory, and a great villain/protagonist in the Wolf Man. Yeah, Frankenstein and Dracula are interesting, but they just never seemed as primal and cool as a man who turns into a wolf.

Scream (1996)

The horror movie that defined my generation. It was hip, stylistic, gory, original and fun. Watching it takes me back to my formative years. And that is always a great trip.

Honorable mentions:

Final Destination (2000)

A great turn-of-the-millenium horror flick with creative “kills” and interesting storyline pitting the Grim Reaper as the rare main killer.

Let the Right One In (2008)

The most unique vampire movie I’ve ever seen. I’ve only watched this once, but with a few more viewings I think this one is headed for the Top Ten.

Film #21: Scream (1996)

We learn so much from horror movies.
Friday the 13th taught us to be nice to disabled people.
The art of pulling an all-nighter was demonstrated in Nightmare on Elm Street.
And the importance of family dinner was shown in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
All good life lessons, no doubt. But for the teenagers in “Scream,” the lessons taught in scary movies are more than just suggestions for life-improvement. It is the key to continuing life itself.

A sadistic serial killer is running wild in the sleepy town of Woodsboro, murdering shinny teenagers only after quizzing them on their favorite scary movies. We have all wanted to murder Drew Barrymore at some point in our life. But the Ghost-Faced Killer of Scream gets all the fun in the opening sequence, disemboweling and stringing up olde mush-mouth from her front yard oak tree only after she flunks the killer’s movie test.

That murder puts the entire town on edge, especially loveable teen Sidney Prescott and her group of rowdy friends. The timing of Drew’s death is a little awkward, seeing as it occurred almost a year ago to the day that Sidney’s mother was raped and murdered. You’d think that might give a teen girl some issues, but that doesn’t stop her creepy boyfriend Billy Loomis from wondering why their once hot-and-heavy R-rated relationship has suddenly turned all PG. Ahhh teens, even horny when a serial killer is on the prowl!

Sidney is the next person to get a home horror-movie themed killer call, and only narrowly escapes the Ghost-Faced Killer’s blade. Conveniently, her Dad had gone out of town on business for the week and left her alone. Or did he? Seems olde Dad never checked into his out of town hotel. Hmmm. Suspect?!
Right after the near slaying of Sid, olde Billy jumps through her bedroom window with that evil of all evil devices, a, gasp, cell phone! He must have been the person who called Sid! Only killers have cell phones in 1996! Cops arrest him, and peg him with the murders though Billy screamingly denies any role. Double suspect!

Sid stays over at friend Tatum’s house, protected over by Tatum’s dorky deputy sheriff brother Dewey. But even in the mighty presence of the law, the killer calls again for a sequel terror chat with Sid. Yet, Billy was in jail at the time! Whaaaaaaaaa? Ooops!
Everyone’s a suspect, including that creepy horror movie nerd Randy who works at the video store and keeps screaming about how the killers have brought a horror movie to life!
As the body count rises, dorky Dewey and local tabloid reporter Gail Weathers try to solve the crime.

Meanwhile, Woodsboro High School is canceled due to the murders. What better to do when a raging teen killer is on the loose than to get drunk, smoke dope and have sex! Sid, Tatum, Randy and others gather for a party to do just that. The night’s centerpiece is watching old horror movies, as well a lecture by Randy on how just to survive the mass killings by learning from the flicks.
If the Ghost-Faced Killer is trying to turn real life into a horror movie, then it is up to the teens to identify the stereotype pitfalls of the genre in order to survive.

A killer on the loose! Drunken teens at a house party! Horror movie code states the blood will surely fly. And it does, in the 1996 treat “Scream.”

RDHP Ratings and Review

C-Rating: 5.0
Chris Dimick screams:
“Scream defined a generation of horror movies. My generation. And because of this, the Wes Craven directed slasher has a very special place in my heart. There is just so much to love about this movie. The unique plot was mind-blowing at the time for any horror movie fan. Scream was the first self-aware horror movie – it took the clichés of the genre and addressed them head on.
Discussing the horror movie formula in a horror movie was the genius of screenwriter Kevin Williamson, who went on to pen several other well-loved teen horror flicks.

By 1996, the horror genre had become very tired. The slasher rage of the late 70s and 80s had been played to death, and in the early 1990s the mainstream horror movies coming out where boring and uninspired. Then comes Scream, a movie bent on exposing the horror clichés of the 80s and killing them off once and for all. Who better to do this than Wes Craven, who helped mold the slasher genre himself with A Nightmare on Elm Street.
That Craven could come in and simultaneously call out the banality of modern horror, while also celebrating it, was just incredible.

But the movie is about more than just an interesting plot. It is friggin’ scary too! At least, it was scary to 16-year-old Chris Dimick, back when I could still feel fear due to a movie (I’m numb now).

The quick, poppy opening scene with Drew Barrymore sets the horrific tone from the start. The energy speeds along with the plot, as Williamson truly keeps the audience guessing just who the killer is until the knifey end.

The plot is familiar (teens getting hacked up by a slasher) but also entirely fresh in the way it is presented. The dialog is snappy and entertaining, the performances are slightly over the top in an endearing, horror movie way, and the twist ending leaves everyone both smiling, laughing, and screaming in the end. Mix in several horror-movie genre references and cliché call outs, and it is a sure bet that anyone who appreciates scary movies would get a kick out of this flick. And that is just for people who appreciate horror. For those of us who loved horror back in 1996, “Scream” was like bloody catnip for our souls.

Many people, including 16-year-old Chris, had become saddened by the recent state of the genre in the mid-1990s. The slasher genre had run its course, and fans were waiting for a savior to arise from the endless crap being produced in Hollywood. We needed a hero, a film to restore the horror genre to its previous glory. Horror had become the bastard step-child of film, and those who appreciated it were deemed either dorky, crazy or just plain weird.

It wasn’t cool to be a horror movie fan in the mid-90s, at least not in my high school. As you can probably tell, I’ve enjoyed horror movies for a long, long time. But before Scream, many horror movie lovers like me tried to avoid ridicule by keeping their passion to themselves.

Sure, you’d stay up in your best friend's basement until 4 a.m. on a Saturday watching Evil Dead, Halloween, and random Skinemax Troma Movies. But you wouldn’t dare wear that Friday the 13th tee-shirt to school. Dorkiness and horror were one in the same. Then came Scream.
The movie was a cultural phenomenon, and basically re-launched the fledging horror genre into the spotlight. Scream caused a new renaissance in horror, and the number of quality green lighted horror flicks to be released in its wake skyrocketed, thanks to its trailblazing.
But more personally, Scream created a cultural renaissance in my high school in particular. Suddenly, it was cool to be a fan of horror movies. Everyone saw Scream, and couldn’t stop talking about how entertaining a “horror movie” it was.

In a way, Scream made it socially safe for me to unleash my true horror loving self. It made it okay to wear that Motel Hell tee-shirt in public, and openly discuss who would win in a fight between Freddy and Jason (even after a movie devoted to the subject, the jury is still out). You might say, ‘Well, why didn’t you just embrace your love of horror despite society’s condemnation.” It was high school, you know, the place you try to fit in and not out.

But after a life of keeping my horror freak tucked away inside, I was more than happy to unleash it on the world and fully embrace my love of the scare. Scream made me feel safe to do so, and I haven’t turned back. It wasn’t long after that I realized, “Who gives a damn if it is cool to like horror. I like horror and if anyone doesn’t like that they can go have sex with themselves.” Such is the wisdom that comes when the pimples go.

Horror movies taught the Scream character’s how to save their lives. In turn, Scream taught me how to embrace mine. Horror Chris was unleashed thanks to Scream, and I haven’t been able to contain him since.

I thought much too long about what to rate this movie. I was hesitant to give it a perfect 5.0, just because doing so, personally, carries a lot of importance with me (is anything in life perfection?). But really it came down to this. The movie defined a generation of horror movies; it was fresh, exciting, entertaining, and scary; I have a solid personal connection to the film. And above all else, for me Scream is solidly nestled in that most scared horror movie nerd’s possession: “The Top Five Favorite Horror Movies List.”

If you have never seen Scream, do so. It might not change your life like it did mine, but at the very least you take part in one hell of an entertaining ride. And if nothing else, you get to see Drew Barrymore die! And aren’t you sick of her already!"

N-Rating: 3.7
Nick Rich screams:
"At this point has anyone not seen Scream? Seriously, has anyone not seen Scream? Well, even if you have seen it, I still have a job to do, so here goes...

As far as Slasher films go, its hard to go wrong with the 1996 classic Scream. It has it all: a seemingly ever-present killer, shocking death scenes and a plot as slippery as a freshly caught catfish. Just when you think you know what going on, the story twists just out of reach, making you wait for the big reveal at the end. For me, watching this film was like opening a time capsule. I was 16 when Scream originally came out and horror movies were fairly new to me, but Scream blew my mind! The story was great and the "wit" (I can see now how this film flavored my own), teenage as it was, really felt fresh and genuine.

Being an old man now, Scream doesn't hold quite the same appeal for me... the things in the film that were fresh have since been gratuitously repeated and subsequently I've begun to grown weary of "hip" teenage films. When you're 16, seeing a 25 year old actor playing a 17 year old calling another dude a @#$^rag seems supremely cool, but as an adult it makes you a) roll your eyes at teenagers and b) roll your eyes and scoff that Hollywood caters to them. But I can't hold that against Scream (well, I could, but I won't), it was a movie for its time, my time... which is why I rated it so high.

If nothing else, the RDHP has begun to change my taste in horror films and I find myself drifting away from movies like Scream, but am still able to appreciate them for what they are: popcorn entertainment.

The Skinny: Watch Scream if you're feeling angsty and want to relive your 90's-licious teenage years... or if you want to be thankful you weren't a teenager in the 90's.

Things We Learned From Watching Scream:
-Skeet Ulrich is the poor man’s Johnny Depp.
-In the millennium, motives are incidental.
-If you want school to be canceled, just start murdering people.
-Teen suicide is out this year.
-Big knockers + doggie door escape + masked killer = death.
-Saving a man’s life totally boosts book sales.
-The media “has a right to know” what it is like “to almost be brutally butchered.”
-You can call 911 using the Internet.
-The Internet existed in 1996.
-If you pause the movie “All the Right Moves” just right, you can see Tom Cruise’s penis.
-Your principal loves you.
-PG-13 relationships involve flashing boobs.
-The Fonze is cool even while playing a square (see below):

Nick Lements the Passing of 1996

Oh 1996 how we miss you!

With your sensible clothing, neon power suits and huge video tapes! You felt like you were the future today (I mean, you could call 911 through your computer!), but looking back you seem more like gawky teenage photos. It is during this awkwardly, futuristic time that we were introduced to Scream - and have never been the same since.

RDHP Presents Little Known Serial Killer Duos:

It is nice to do things you enjoy with others. Scream shows us such is the case with murder. Grab a buddy, and take a look at the below pairs who we suspect have more than a few bodies buried under their bunk-beds.

Bert and Ernie
What better to cover up their horrendous killing spree than to invite the children of America into their bathroom? Ernie was known to call each of his victims "rubber ducky" as he choked the life out of them.

The Wright Brothers
Why do you think they were so eager to fly away?



Princes Leia and Wicket the Ewok
Wicket would lure kind souls in with his disarming cuteness and Princess Leia would use her infamous tresses to dispatch them.



Hall and Oates
C'mon! If you were this untouchable in 80's, wouldn't you?

Quote of the Viewing:

[After the school's principal gets shivved by Ghostface, special guest RDHP viewer Melissa Rich gasps.]

Mel: "I forgot how many people get killed in this movie."

Nick: "It is a horror movie. Called Scream!"

Mel: "I know, but so many are dying!"

RDHP Salutes Whitey Tighty T-shirts:
In honor of Skeet Ulrich's dreamy penchant for whitey tighty t-shirts in Scream (Nick’s wife verified his dreamy-ness) we thought we would honor some other great wearers of the classic too-tight coverings!

Marlon Brando (A Streetcar Named Desire)

Even his mumbling couldn’t take away from his “desire”able fashion sense. My-grandma-had-the-hots-for-him-dreamy.

Jack Black (Orange County)

Good ol’ JB proves that it’s in the way that you use it… well, kinda. Sloth dreamy.

James Dean (Rebel Without A Cause)

With as much as he squinted, we’re pretty sure he needed glasses. Stigmatism dreamy.

Johnny Depp (when he’s not filming a movie)

Mel says: Skeet Ulrich’s babby-daddy is dreamy.

Film #20: The Unknown (1927)

Let's be honest here.
There are just some professions that handicapped people shouldn't try.
Ray Charles wouldn't have made a very good cab driver.
Marlee Matlin would be a piss-poor telemarketer.
Wee Man would be dead after an hour if he worked as a police officer.
And we all saw what happened when a retarded man was elected President.

At first read, you might think the occupation of "armless knife thrower" would also fall into the above category. But watch "The Unknown," and you shall be proven wrong.

Stubby Alonzo is an apparent armless circus performer, who makes little children cry in horror as he performs his act -- tossing sharp knives with his feet at beautiful assistant Nanon.
Alonzo quickly falls in love with Nanon, who has more baggage than an L.A. bound airplane. Nanon can't stand the rough caress of a man. She has been pawed her entire life, and has swore off the beastly creatures and their lustful grabby-goating. This includes strong man Malabar the Mighty, who time after time has had his advances rebuffed by the feisty gal.

The only swinging-dick Nanon's comfortable with is Alonzo, who is physically unable to get his grab on. Or is he?!?!?! We soon find out that despite Alonzo's freakish ability to use his feet like his hands, he is actually a faker. He binds his arms by day, partly to hide his freaky double thumb, and partly to throw off police from a series of crimes he commits in each circus stop.

Alonzo loves Nanon so much, but he knows she won't have anything to do with him if she ever found out he has tentacles. In a brash move, Alonzo decides to have his arms hacked off for his love. But in the meantime ample armed Malabar is making progress on wearing the young beauty down. Nanon even starts to like his forearm play.
The irony is laid down thick in the 1927 silent picture "The Unknown."

RDHP Ratings and Reviews

C-Rating: 3.6
Chris Dimick barks:
"Men will do anything to impress a lady. Anything. This is evident in "The Unknown," as main character and bonified man (I checked) Alonzo resorts to sawing his own arms off to get with a woman.
Now, I can't blame the brotha. He was just doing what men do... make stupid decisions and do even stupider things in order to win over the fairer sex. It is quite simple why men suffer for women, even kill their fellow man, to get into their favor. One word...lipstick.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, lipstick, beautiful, shiny, mouthwatering lipstick. I could be killed for divulging this info, but the truth must be told. All men secretly long to wear lipstick. And it is only when they are dating or married to a woman, Earth's most likely creature to own stick after stick of tube-paradise, that men have access to their secret thrill.

Why can't men just walk up to the MAC counter at Macy's and buy lipstick to their hearts content? If you are a man, you know this answer. But for all the ladies... a man could never bring himself to actually purchase lipstick from a store. That would be admitting we love lip-plumper. No, man's lust to be with a woman -- to the point of hacking off his appendages -- is for those glorious times when the girlfriend or wife leaves her home, giving the man unabashed access to her cosmetics cabinet.

Oh how we play! A man doesn't feel more safe and sexy than when he is applying Clinique Black Honey all over his naughty chompers. I won't even get into what a man does with NARS Orgasm Blush.

So ladies, the next time a man offers to stick his hands in a wood chipper, eat 1,000 hot dogs in 30 seconds, or go see "The Bounty Hunter" in an attempt to impress... know his reasoning.
And then lock your lipstick drawer.

 

N-Rating: 3.5
Nick Rich barks:
"Who knew I could have been a silent movie star? Unbeknown to me I have have been honing my skills to play an armless knife thrower my entire life! Hands full but need to open that door? Use your feet! Clothes on the floor, but it will take to long to bend over and pick it up? Use your feet! Need to flush the toilet while brushing your teeth and combing your beard? Use your feet! Ah, how sweet life would have been if I had been born in 1883...

But apparently life as and armless man has its downside (who knew?)! Armed with only his delusional love for the fair Nanon, Alonzo has quite a rough go of it in this film. I mean seriously. How much of a headcase do you have to be to think that you can get the woman of your dreams by fostering her hatred of manly arms, when you yourself secretly have ARMS!?! Normally this is exactly the kind of plot point that would drive bat-crazy, but in the soothing silence of this 1920's silver-toned piece of celluloid I really didn't mind.

The Unknown is what I'm coming to appreciate as classic America entertainment. You don't have to think, just sit back and relax (and because you enter into the film with said expectations, you aren't upset by the lack of depth). I noticed it first when we watched The Wolfman (which I graded rather harshly because I was expecting more), but I've come to realize there is also notable skill in creating a film that makes you not care that there is no deeper level to it.

I've also grown increasingly fond of American silent films. The fledgling film industry was so small that you frequently saw the same actors in film after film - for instance, the actors who played Alonzo and Malabar the strong man were the two leads in The Hunchback of Notre Dame (FACT: once I noticed who Malabar was, I was as giddy as a schoolgirl!). Usually, seeing the characters of a film as actors would make me think less of it (as it would take me out of the moment), but there's some sort of sweet magic about the silent era which made me feel even more connected to the film because of it! Throw in the surprisingly enjoyable extended closeups (Lon Chaney is mesmerizing to watch) with a side easy-going plot, and this film is sure to make you rethink your stance (if you've formulated one) on silent motion pictures.

The Skinny: Check this flick out if you're in the mood for some soulful eyes and sole-ful knife throwing (and smoking, and drinking)!

RDHP presents: A Tasteless Amputee Joke:

Q: Why can't an amputee sing well?

A: Because he can't hold a note. Can't carry a tune!

Quote of the Viewing:

[After some thought, Alonzo decides the only way he can have Nanon is to have his arms surgically removed]

Chris: "He wants her bad. I mean, he'd give an arm and a leg to have her! Well, two arms at least!"

Nick: "Booooooo!"

RDHP Salutes Lon Chaney: Man of 1,000 Faces

Silent movie star Lon Chaney never looked the same twice in his movies. The brilliant character actor behind the first film adaptations of the Phantom of the Opera and the Hunchback of Norte Dame came to be known as the "Man of a Thousand Faces" in Hollywood. In celebration of this amazing horror icon, we give you some of Chaney's best faces from throughout his career.

Phantom of the Opera (1925)

London After Midnight (1927)

Hunchback of Notre Dame (1923)

Mr. Wu (1927)

He Who Gets Slapped (1924)

Lon Chaney Sr.

1883 - 1930

Things We Learned from Watching "The Unknown"
-Why this movie is called "The Unknown" is unknown to us
-Before the advent of training monkeys, handicapped people had midgets to assist them
-Joan Crawford, who played Nanon, was once attractive (see pic below)
-The cutoff time for laughing maniacally before becoming suspicious is 2 minutes
-Abused women think armless guys are hot
-Strong men in the 1920s weren't that strong looking
-Even in the 20s, women hated being touched

Things the RDHP Wish Were Silent:
The 1927 film "The Unknown" was made at the tail end of the silent era. The RDHP have come to quite enjoy these silent movies, mainly due to the fact that they are a relaxing oasis in the otherwise ear-splitting world. Here are a few other things in life we feel everyone would be better off not hearing.

Chris's Take (aka, Venting is Therapeutic):

Car horns

Enough with the friggin' honking already! Seriously, your douche-bag convention won't start until you get there, so chill out and wait for traffic to start moving, ass.

Cube-mates

What is with all that chomping! Are you half horse? And seriously, is work really the best place for you to have a 30 minute cell phone conversation about how much Becky pissed you off. If you don't have enough work to keep you silent, I can give you some of mine!

Next-door Neighbors

It is common knowledge that getting ass-ramingly blown out on cocaine and screaming Lady Gaga songs at the top of your lungs is just so much more fun on a Tuesday night. Screaming is so fun, one just has to do it at random times regardless of how thin the apartment walls are. Yay!

Rush Limbaugh

This mutherf*$%er just needs to stop his cry-baby right-wing whining. Every time he opens his mouth, all that can actually be heard is jack-ass braying. And really, all he is doing is giving more mental ammo for those southern Michigan militia nuts to start firing off real rounds into politicians. Morality won last election, the rich lost. Get over it, and shut the hell up, you piece of sh*#.

Sarah Palin

See note above. Apply, rinse, repeat. Sarah, please crawl back under the tundra rock you came from. Only idiots think you are clever or folksy or whatever word you are using now to describe your stank-ass.

Guess what sweetie, by the time the next election comes around your quickly fading "beauty pageant" looks will be long gone, along with your chance of being elected to any office higher than PTA president. Your 15-minutes are working on an hour now, hag. Be silent!

Public Transportation Cell Phone Talkers

Everyone on the bus just loves hearing about how messed up you are going to get this weekend. Really, we do. But do you have to scream your mundane mouth-dribbling at the top of your lungs? Where is my real-world mute button, scientists? You can put Buzz Aldrin on the moon, kill him, then reanimate his lifeless corpse for a dancing show, but you can't give me a "shut-the-f-up remote?" For shame.

Celine Dion

Not one pleasant sound has ever come out of this mushhead's mouth hole. Celine, it is horrible, just as it has always been. Please stop signing... better yet, just be silent all together.

Movie Theater Patrons

If I have ever had the urge to kill, it is when people won't shut their big yappers in a theater. Oh, and those of you who think texting or checking your blinding bright phone during the movie is okay, you are assholes too.

But let's stick to the movie talkers. Please shut up before I put a gun in your month. I just bought one, and is waiting on the background check. The next person who talks after the opening credits, so help me...

Nick's Take (aka, We Promise He's Not Crazy):

Cutlery

Does the sound of the serrated edge of a dinner knife on one's teeth drive anyone else mad?

Am I alone in this one?

(crickets chirp) ...Hello?

Mouth Noises

My wife has sold me on the horrors and atrocities of mastication.

American Idol

This show (and its sounds) make me want to flee the country.

Cats In Heat - Especially at 4am

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

(tears hair out then laments the lack of more hair to tear out)