Film #12: Ravenous (1999)

Crackled intercom voice: “Hello and welcome to Fort Spencer, can I take your order?
Drive-thru customer: "Yeahhhhhhhh, I’ve got a couple orders here. Ummm, I’d like ten deep-fried Kristen fingers with honey mustard, two racks of extra bloody Baby Ben ribs, a basket of your King Crab Fishman’s legs, and the Kardashian rump-roast special. Oh! And I’m on a diet, so on the drink I want half Diet Mountain Dew and half regular Dew. Capiche?”
Intercom voice: “Yes sir. Do you want eyes with that?”

This is probably a common conversation at the Fort Spencer drive-thru, the cannibalistic campsite featured in the late '90s movie “Ravenous.” They pack more people in their stomachs at that place than a 5:05 p.m. Red Line train.

But Soylent Green wasn’t always a main staple at the mid-1800s fort, located in the secluded Western Sierra Nevada Mountains. One winter day the fort’s solider skeleton crew found a bearded, feral man passed out outside their cabins. When they revived the man, named F.W. Colqhoun, he told a horrific story of how his covered wagon company got snow-bound in the mountains on their way to California. Unable to pass the mountains, they camped out inside a nearby cave. After running out of food and animals to eat, the starving pioneers resorted to muching the flesh of their dead. But for some reason the more they ate, the hungrier they got. People weren’t croaking fast enough, so the US Army Colonel leading the expedition decided to start eating the living members of the pitiful party. Colqhoun said he narrowly escaped the jaws of death, leaving behind a lone frightened woman with the rabid Colonel.

A lady is in trouble! With that, the soldiers got all heroic and vowed to return to the cave to rescue the lass before she became lunch-meat. But their Indian fort residents didn't like that plan. Seems ancient legend says that when a man eats another person’s flesh, he consumes both their soul and energy, making them more powerful -- and hungry -- than one could imagine. It's like Lay’s potato chips, you can’t eat just one human, and once you've got that sweet sweet meat on your lips you become RAVENOUS with a serious case of food screams!

Arriving at the cave, the rescue party soon realizes Colqhoun’s story doesn’t quite flesh out – and that’s when the true body buffet begins. Cannibals quickly abound at Fort Spencer, and much like a depressed Biggest Loser contestant with a box of hidden sweets, the more the cannibals eat, the more addicted they become. Will anyone put down their second helping of Fred and stop the insanity in the 1999 film “Ravenous”?



The Low Down:
This movie has guts…a string of them, dangling from its mountain man beard. And frankly, that is why we like it so. A viewer goes into this flick expecting the obvious. A film set in the 1850s mountains with pioneers who turn to cannibalism. Okay, it is going to be your standard Donner party meets Alive fare, right? Wrong. Ravenous veers from everything that is cliché in cannibalism, and focuses on the ideology of man-munching itself. It asks, “Would you consume another person if it would not only save your life, but make you powerful beyond imagination?”

Eating humans is such a taboo, it just makes for a great horror movie. Pair that with an original story, and a cast of familiar faces that can actually act, and you have a meaty movie dinner.
But this meal is far from something you’d find at the Stephen Spielberg Chop House. More fittingly, this should appear on the menu at the William White Castle.

The story and plot itself was like a well cooked steak, charred on the surface by violent flames, but with a nice bloody center. However, the entire movie was so coated in cheese that it made this meal hard to swallow. The musical score was thick as Velveeta, with bango-ey backwoods licks inappropriately scoring what should have been serious scenes. Parts of the dialog were overcooked as well, with death scenes being filled with stupid lines like “what you just did there, that was pretty sneaky.”

Then again, there were some unique bursts of flavor from under the cheese blanket. “Funny thing about escape though, chances are you might end up some place worse” says fort leader Col. Hart, delightfully played by the underrated Jeffrey Jones. Jones actually sprinkles in his unique brand of spice throughout this little known role, playing a cannibalistic Colonel with sensitivity, humor and just a dash of sarcasm. Then there is the whole funny commentary about how Manifest Destiny and cannibalism are similar. Sure, it was kooky, but it was also smart.

Don’t go to McDonalds expecting a steak dinner. And don’t go to a cannibal movie expecting a timeless classic. Ravenous delivers what it promises, a satisfying cinematic meal with just enough bite.

RDHP Ratings:
C-Rating: 3.8
Chris Dimick burps: “Oh, you may think Ravenous is just a story. But cannibals do exist, and I’m married to one. One cold winter day me and the little wife, who was the little girlfriend at the time, decided to visit Chicago’s Museum of Science and Industry and take in the controversial Body Worlds exhibit. Body Worlds is one of the most insanely creepy, fascinating exhibits in the history of man-- it displays actual human cadavers in various positions and degrees of body deconstruction. All skin has been stripped from the human bodies in order to show how human muscles and organs operate. The exhibit is horrifying, but you can’t seem to look away. It is just something you have never seen before, but yet were so curious about.

We had to buy tickets in advance for this sold out exhibit, and didn’t have time to grab lunch before heading into the death hall. I was hungry walking into the museum, but upon seeing a skinned man literally pulled apart, each body part suspended and free standing by wires hung from the ceiling, my hunger had suddenly packed its bags and headed to Kenya.

I turned to my girlfriend to exclaim how disturbing yet enthralling the exhibit was only to find her intensely starring at one of the cadavers mid-sections. Without blinking an eye, she turned to me and whispered, “This exhibit is making me hungry for ribs.”

Nervously laughing, I responded that this exhibit would probably put me off ribs for awhile too. In a serious voice, my hungry future bride said “No, seriously, this place is making me really hungry. Do you want to get barbeque tonight?”

Now married, I know never to let my wife skip dinner before going to bed. I’d surely wake up – like the poor souls in Ravenous – missing a few fingers, toes and probably even a few ribs. This flick gets a 3.8 just for being so accurate on cannibalism. Once you get a taste, you can't stop!”

N-Rating: 3.3
Nick Rich burps: “They say hunger is the best spice, and if that is true then Ravenous has plenty of flavor to spare! I won’t lie: this movie wasn’t amazing, nevertheless I found myself thoroughly enjoying it for the unexpected journey it led me on. Some parts were a tad predictable, but for a good portion of the film I was blissfully unaware of what was coming next (which to me is invaluable in a film). This film was unique in the fact that it was made in such a way that I wasn’t constantly attempting to figure out where it was going… I was content to just let it live, er, or die as it were.

Sure there was cheese, but it was that cheese that put me at ease and gave me license to simply enjoy the feast that was laid before me. Sure the tone of the film sat uneasy in your gut like a pinky bone that just won’t digest… but once embraced, the oddities of the film became endearing. The scenery was great, the gore surprisingly sufficient and super-sweet facial hair abounded! My own mountain man beard stirred frequently with excitement at the sight of such luscious follicle facial features (i.e. beards)! This movie was a treat to enjoy… so don’t think, just watch.

The Skinny: Watch this flick if you feel like watching the guy from Stargate Universe eat the guy from Lost, a red shirt from TNG Star Trek and Ferris Buller’s nemesis… or if you’re hungry but on a diet (unless you’re Chris’s wife).”

Quote of the Viewing:
[Scene: On their way back to the cave where the mysterious Colqhoun says a woman waits to be rescued from cannibalism, fort preacher Pvt. Toffler falls down a cliff and is cut on his abdomen. That night in the men’s shared tent, Toffler awakes to find Colqhoun licking his bloody stomach.]
Chris: That is not a good way to make friends, Colqhoun.
Nick: Yeah, usually you need an invitation to lick someone.



Things the RDHP Learned from Watching Ravenous:
-Even in the 1800s mountains, David Arquette can still find a way to get stoned
-If you vomit in the Army, you get sent to California
-When in a pinch, belts make a great dinner
-The more flesh you eat, the hungrier you become
-Don’t send a high-on into town to get a winters worth of food supplies
-The only thing better than bloody finger sniffin’, is bloody finger lickin’

People the RDHP Want to Eat:

Mayor McCheese

(Look at all that cheesy goodness. Plus, we are so sick of his preachy anti-late term abortion platform)

Wisconsin Cheeseheads

(They need to be good for something and have been asking to be put out of their misery since Favre left)

Smurfs

(If it’s good enough for Gargamel, it’s good enough for us!)

Jimmy John

(If he is half as tasty as his subs, we are in business. Plus if we eat him, maybe we will inherit the sub chain)

7-UP Cool Spots

(They just look tasty)

Poppin' Fresh

(We just like to stick our fingers in that little bastard)

 Domino’s The Noid

(If anyone were to give us otherworldly power from consumption, it would be him)

Mr. Peanut

(Insert nuts in mouth joke here)

Geico Gecko
(Exotic meat, and we can save big on our meal cost)

Hurley from Lost
(His pores are just oozing with Dharma ranch dressing)

Shirley Temple
(For dessert. She is just so sweet!)

Worst Place To Be Caught Eating A Corpse:
-On the toilet
-At a funeral
-In the Middle East (can you say stoning?!?!)
-Daycare
-Job Interview
- Inauguration as US President
-DMV (just being here is true horror, but throw in a corpse and ohhhh brother!)
-In a zombie movie (because that would mean you are a corpse)

Film #11: The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari (1920)

Some people have skeletons in their cabinets.
Dr. Caligari has a sodomizer in his.
Oh, I mean a somnambulist. My heavens, we’re just all thumbs on this keyboard today.

According to the fancy word book, a somnambulist is a person plagued with an abnormal condition in which motor acts, such as walking, are performed while asleep.
Emo-boy Cesare is such a sad sack, eternally asleep for the last 23 years and stashed in a wooden cabinet in the 1920 film “The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari”. Cesare’s caretaker is the evil Dr. Caligari, a psychiatrist who has kept Cesare in this state in order to exploit his freakiness during public sideshow stage acts.
Seems the Doctor can awaken Cesare from his slumber just long enough to predict the future of any rum-dum in the audience willing to part with a dime. When a non-descript German town decides to throw a fair, Caligari sees the perfect chance to exploit his boy in a box.

Francis and Alan are two rum-dum townsfolk looking for a good time, and while attending the fair wander into Caligari’s somnambulist tent. During his performance, Cesare makes eyes at Alan and declares he will die in just one day, a premonition that comes true when Alan turns up murdered in his bed. Seems he was repeatedly penetrated by a pointy object, and somnambulist Cesare is instantly suspected.
In fact, all sorts of peeps are turning up dead or abducted ever since that damn fair came into town! When Francis’s insta-girlfriend goes missing, it is on like donkey kong. Francis and the police join forces to solve the crimes in the trippy 1920s silent film “The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari.”



The Low-Down:
Clap. Clap. Clap. Just when we had given up hope on the silent horror movie genre, in walks Caligari with his cabinet. Silent movies can only show, not tell their stories. This can sometimes be their downfall. But in The Cabinet of Caligari, it is its biggest redeeming quality. The German made Caligari “shows” with expert precision, as each frame is crafted to look as if the characters live in a nightmarish cartoon. Think about a Tim Burton movie, with its crazy angles, geometric shapes, strange set design, and abstract art cinematography. If Tim Burton was a student of German Expressionism, the makers of Caligari would be his master. The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari Tim Burtons out Tim Burton movies!

The visuals are stunning. Everything is askew in each frame, and lighting is used in a way the RDHP has not seen since in a film. Long stretches of white light mix with paint to cast the set far into the distance. Crazy paper-looking forests rise up in the background. And this is 1920, people! It’s old… I mean, it’s just so… old. But yet so new. This is the oldest movie the RDHP will view during our cinematic time-traveling adventure. It is very surprising that the oldest movie on our docket would also be one of the cinematically freshest.

Each scene was set up more like a play than a movie, the characters gliding across the set as the camera stays stationary. Silent movies are so calming, typically. Maybe it is the slow movements of the actors or the never ending symphony of the soundtrack, but there is just something about these cracked relics that send instant sensations of serenity to its viewers. Caligari bucked this trend, however. It was just too insane to be calming. Each scene enthralls a viewer, its askew backdrops and props keeping you slightly off kilter throughout the picture -- as if walking through a German funhouse.

This movie was way ahead of its time, even down to the non-traditional ending that must have had 1920s folks doing spit-takes. Somnambulist jokes aside, if you only watch one silent movie in your life, let it be The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari. It’s one hot injection of fun straight to your erogenous movie holes (your eyes, people, your eyes)!


RDHP Ratings:
C-rating: 4.5
Chris Dimick sleep-talks. “The movie is motion picture art. It’s official, Caligari has become by far my favorite silent movie. Unlike Cesare, not only didn’t I fall asleep ONCE during this enthralling quiet tale I actually found myself wishing for more movie at its conclusion. If I were comparing this against all other silent films, I would give it a perfect 5 rating. But, as a rule the RDHP compare films against all other films between 1920 and 2010. Therefore .5 points must be deducted for various reasons (time isn’t kind to beauty).
Such a creepy tone is set throughout the film. Silent films have a way of being inherently creepy, actually. All the people have ghost white faces. They mime everything all weird in their acting delivery. And the flickers and scratches on the film prints always makes me think of those creepy Nine Inch Nails videos from the 1990s.
Caligari takes silent film creepiness to a whole new level. Dr. Caligari’s head looks like some sort of pig-wart. Then you have Cesare, a rail-thin German man in a skin-tight leotard and dark eye makeup. Shutter!
The performances are creepy great, but it is the set that truly sets the horrific tone. Every scene is explicitly crafted with amazing scenery. Yet while visually stunning, Caligari doesn’t just depend on its looks to find a date. In a way, it also explores how thin the line is between reality and insanity, and how experience is relative to the mind of the beholder. Sexy and smart!? I’m takin’ it home to mama. The ‘Krauts have done it again!"

N-rating: 4.5
Nick Rich sleep-talks: “Chris stole my saying! I was totally going to remark that this film was more Tim Burton than Tim Burton! How ever shall I recover from the sting of this usurping of wit?!? Ahhhh, yes, I’ll just apply the sweet salve that is The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari to my wounded ego… that’s better!
This film was so amazing that beyond it’s awesomeness it also ushered in a RDHP first: Chris and I gave a film the same score! Such is the beautifully dark and magical film that is The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari. Major props to our steadfast follower Jim who recommended this film!
Note: For our attentive readers, yes, I gave this film the same score as Nosferatu, but if you recall I graded that film on a curve (giving it a 4.5 adjusted and a 3.0 in Nick watch-ability). Dr. Caligari requires no such affirmative action!
At first the schizo-scenery in Dr. Caligari feels a bit strange (as I imagine a descent into madness would), but as the film progresses you find yourself eagerly wanting to see new and more disturbing backdrops (again, as I imagine a descent into madness would feel like)! I found myself confused at times, but didn’t seem to mind as it felt natural in the context of the film. Speaking of natural, rest assured dear readers that the sleepwear of the featured fair maiden was realistic; however, I found it hard to believe that the men folk slept in their day-clothes! If they weren’t sleeping in them and took the time to get dressed while the maiden was being kidnapped then shame on them! If you can’t throw decorum out the window when faced with a home invasion, when can you?
A great film will take you on a journey you didn’t think of, didn’t want to go on and never expected… and Dr. Caligari does this in spades. Such a film makes you wonder what Hollywood has been doing for the past 90 years that it can’t come up with something more original and engaging!
The Skinny: Watch this film if you’re feeling Emo about movies today… slather on tons of hair product a-la-Tim Burton, mutter complaints through your tears and enjoy the wonder that is The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari.”


Great Moments in German Expressionism:
German Expressionism was a huge movement in art, culminating in the 1920s. In post-WWI German reconstruction, the film industry was booming. But with a general lack of funding, it was hard for German filmmakers to compete with the lush budgets of American films.
The first Expressionist films made up for these money-problems by using set designs with wildly non-realistic, geometrically absurd sets, along with designs painted on walls and floors to represent lights, shadows, and objects. The plots and stories of the Expressionist films often dealt with madness, insanity, betrayal, and other "intellectual" topics, as opposed to standard action-adventure and romantic films.
In short, German Expressionism was about the dark fringes of the human experience. It can be both brilliant, and, in retrospect, hilarious!
Below, the RDHP explores various high-points in German Expressionism:

ART

STAGE

FILM

TELEVISION

Quote of the Viewing:
Nick: There is not very much talking in this movie.
Chris: Yeah, it is pretty silent.
Nick: We should write Netflix and complain their sound sucks.

Honorable mention Quotes of the Viewing:
[Scene: Dr. Caligari opens up his somnambulist exhibit to a crowd of on-lookers]
Chris: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Cesare the Sodomizer, only 10 cents!
Nick: Step right up kids!

[Scene: Cesare is fed a pudding mixture while sleeping in his cabinet]
Nick: So, he can eat while he is sleeping?
Chris: He must’ve taken some Ambien.

Things in the RDHP’s Cabinets:
Feces-filled mason jars
Uncle Ben’s Insta-Rice
The Boogieman
Naked photos of Whoopi Goldberg
30 year collection of TV Guide magazines
Ryan Seacrest's sexuality
Stacks and stacks of romantic mix tapes
Bugs

RDHP Salutes the Year 1920!
This is the oldest movie the RDHP will screen as part of the horror project. In honor, a look at other happenings of the year 1920.

Jan. 1st – The Jazz Age begins:

Jan. 3rd - NY Yankees purchase Babe Ruth from Red Sox for $125,000

Jan. 10th - League of Nations established

Jan. 12th – Alabama secedes from the Union, rejoins when sex-with-siblings legalized:

Jan. 13th - Sex-with-siblings law reversed

Jan. 13th - NY Times editorial reports rockets can never fly:

Jan. 16th - 18th Amendment, prohibition, goes into effect:

Jan. 20th - The American Civil Liberties Union is founded

Jan. 29th - Walt Disney starts first job as an artist; $40 week with KC Slide Co:

April 20th - Tornadoes kill 219 in Alabama and Mississippi; Preachers blame sex-with-siblings law:

May 20th - Policemen raid the Cubs' bleachers and arrest 24 fans for gambling

June 13th - Post Office says children could not be sent by parcel post:

July 26 – Aliens invade Washington D.C. Thwarted by invisible germs

Aug. 18th - Tennessee ratifies 19th Amendment, guarantees women voting right

Aug. 19th - First Tennessee woman beat for "being all uppity" after voting:

Sept. 17th - National Football League organizes in Canton, Ohio. Twelve teams pay $100 each to join American Professional Football Association

Nov. 2nd - Warren G Harding elected president

Nov. 3rd - Dick Cheney receives first steam-powered heart transplant

Nov. 15th - Free City of Danzig forms under League of Nations protection:

Dec. 12 – The phrase “hot enough for ya” first uttered:

Film #10: Diabolique (1955)

Certain acts should always be avoided if one values life.
Never pull a wig off a tranny.
Don’t dare eat anything from a strip club buffet.

And never, ever piss off a French chick.

Dose bitches be crazy, dawg!

No one understands this latter lesson better than Michel Delassalle, the pivot of a Paris love triangle in the 1955 film “Diabolique.” Michel is married to Christina, a mouse of a woman who runs a poor-as-dirt boarding school and literally suffers from a broken heart. Olde Michel is quite a bag o’dicks – a favorite pastime of his is beating his sickly wife and doing the nasty with Nicole Horner, a sultry teacher at the school. Christina is a former nun, and believes that if she divorces Michel not only will she go to hell, but violent Michel will immediately send her there. Things seem hopeless, and her heart condition is only getting worse. But soon beating his wife isn’t enough for Michel, and he starts bouncing mistress Nicole off the walls. Admiring each other’s bruises, Nicole and Christina form a strange bond over their hatred for Michel and the two decide to end their torment once and for all. They’s gonna whack dat mutherfockle!

The women drug and drown Michel in a bathtub, then move him to the school pool in an attempt to make his death seem accidental like. But when the pool is drained, Michel’s body is nowhere to be found. What!?
Soon strange occurrences related to Michel being to plague the murderous mademoiselles, and the two are left to question, “Is Michel alive? Is he a zombie? Is someone just f-ing with our heads?”
Murder and mystery entwine in the 1955 psychological thriller “Diabolique.”



The Low-Down:
An ending can make or break a film. The producers of Diabolique realized this, and deliver a great twist in the last three minutes that leaves a viewer with more than a smile. But can a great ending alone dictate whether or not a film is enjoyable? The RDHP has struggled with this question in the past, and continues to do so when it comes to Diabolique. The great ending was preceded by a somewhat humdrum, slow start and mediocre middle.

Of course, we would never give away this or any ending. So conversation on the topic is tricky. Let’s put it this way. This film is like a somewhat lame magic trick. The magician had us looking one way, while sneakily conducting “magic” in his other hand. When we turn back, presto, a bunny in a hat! Now, I’m sure the first time this trick was performed people fainted, gasped, and ran to their friends to talk about how they saw this dude make rabbits appear in headwear.

But today, this once innovative trick has become old news, tired, overdone. Sure, most of us don’t know how the magician pulled that rabbit out of the hat, but does it even matter at this point. We know it is a trick. And we know they got us while we were distracted. All that hand waving for minutes on end, and the end result is a stupid bunny in a top hat. Pass.

The same can be said of Diabolique. We’re sure back in 1955 this saucy thriller would have been quite shocking and thrilling, especially the last three minutes. But by today’s standards, especially standards for twist endings, this one just seems like that old tired magic trick. It's quaint, in an old school way. But that's about it. That is not to say this film isn’t worthwhile, we just feel that maybe the magic of this one hasn’t burned strong through the last 55 years. We are jaded now, and not as willing to look one way while the magician creates the magic.

Still, let’s give credit where credit is due. Diabolique is very original for its time, even beyond its chill inducing final minutes. The idea of a wife and mistress teaming up to kill their lover is still tantalizing enough for a Jerry Springer episode. The film is clever in the way it builds tension between the two women – who are more enemies than friends even before the stress of a missing corpse steps on their necks. And of course, there are some great life lessons one can take from this Frenchy-flick.
If there is anything the RDHP’s viewing of Diabolique taught us, it is the only thing worse than crossing a French chick, is crossing two French chicks. Unless you cross them together, but that just might be too many hairy limbs and armpits for one bed. It’s called a razor, ladies!

RDHP Ratings:
C-Rating: 2.9
Chris Dimick ooh-la-la's: “Some film had to follow the masterpiece that was last week’s “Let The Right One In,” and unfortunately for the French it was “Diabolique.” For this guy, a film can’t depend on an awesome ending in order to be considered entertaining. The entire package must be delivered in order to break the “3” rating barrier. Now, this one wasn’t awful to watch. The suspense was wonderful to sit in for two hours, and I loved how the husband’s death was merely an afterthought of the plot. The ditty really started to cook AFTER the corpse was discovered missing, a fresh concept rarely used even in today’s films. Also, the dynamic between the meek wife and the forceful scorned mistress was too irresistible not to like. However, please, don’t try to be freaking’ Sherlock Holmes when watching this movie -- trying to figure out exactly what is going on. Not only do you ruin it for yourself, but for all the other people you brag to after or during the flick. Just sit back, relax, RELAX, and let this movie do the thinking for you. Though I give it a 2.9, I’d still recommend you take a watch on this classic work of horror. Sure, it doesn’t meet 2010 standards, but it’s still better than another Hostel installment.”

N-Rating: 2.6
Nick Rich ooh-la-la's: “I too greatly lament poor Diabolique’s position in following “Let The Right One In”. I mean, McDonalds can be super tasty, but it’s difficult to thoroughly enjoy after you had a Hodad’s burger the day before! I really wanted to give this flick a 2.5, but bumped it up a dial because I’m sure for its time it had some original things going for it… not super original as good ol’ Alfred H. was already kicking out the suspense on the regular… but original enough to distinguish itself. I found myself wanting it to be cinematically stunning, but was woefully left lacking – not to mention the unrealistic nightwear of the former nun! As we’ve established, I am a stickler for authenticity, especially in nightwear. I was on the road to almost believing this character was actually a former nun (and that it wasn’t just written to give the character sympathy) and BAM! They end the film with her in a sultry getup! Ignoring the incongruent apparel, there were some interesting uses of light towards the end, but most of the time this just felt like a conveyer belt film (complete with multiple shadows from one person lingering in the background of some bedroom scenes). I suppose the thing I found most interesting about this film was the expectation that something awesome was going to happen… unfortunately, nothing really did. I agree with Chris, it may not rock your socks off, but contrary to how my review sounds, there were still some good things going on in this one and the ending was genuinely enjoyable. The Skinny: Watch this film if a) you need to be reminded that it’s not worth it to cheat on your spouse, or, b) you want to pretend you have the frayed nerves of a 1950’s girlie girl! (It will make you GASP and say “Oh MY!” quite often – and who doesn’t love to do that?)

Quote of the Viewing:
[Scene: Earlier in the film, Christina had refused to swallow her stinky fish dinner in the school cafeteria despite the repeated demands of Michel to “Swallow, swallow, you're setting a bad example for the children, SWALLOW!” In a later scene, Christina picked up a long, thick loaf of bread and begins chewing, then swallowing.]
Nick: “That's a nice looking baguette.”
Chris: “Oh I see how it is. Typical woman. She won’t swallow when her husband asks her to, but as soon as he’s gone she swallows the first chance she gets.”
Nick: [silence…head shaking…finally laughter] "All I said was that was a nice looking baguette!”

Things the RDHP Learned from Watching “Diabolique”:
-French people love their Radio Jeopardy
-Former nuns wear super sexy sleepwear
-Doctors prognosis on the heart: “When it’s used, it’s used.”
-Water pipes in France sound like a jackhammer
-Phones don’t bite or slap, but French men do
-Both the “f” word and the expression “be cool” were used by 1955 French children
-You can’t have it all… especially if you are a jerky, French, former tennis champion

RDHP Salutes the French!

Eiffel tower

Stinky cheese

Pepe LePew

Mimes

Joan of Arc

Arrogance

Napoleon

French toast

Hairy women

Douchey men

Nazi occupation

“Stupeed Americun” Xenophobic French Jokes of the Week:
Q: How do you get a French waiter's attention?
A: Start ordering in German.

Q. How many jokes are there about the French?
A. One, the rest are true.

Q. What do women who are snipers in the French military use as camouflage?
A. Their armpits.

Q. What is the first thing the French teach their kids in school?
A. How to say "We Surrender" in German.

Q. What’s the difference between a Frenchmen and a bucket of shit?
A. The bucket.

Film #9: Let The Right One In (2008)

Vampires are sexy. So says pop culture.
And who can blame 'em!
Vampires have milk-white, cold, dead flesh. They indiscriminately drink warm blood out of man and beast with snarled teeth. And at moments notice they can turn into a rabid, hairy, squealing creature. Huh. On second thought, the RHDP thinks pop culture got this one wrong.

But vampires are sexy to Oskar, the 12-year-old lead character in the 2008 Danish film "Let the Right One In." However, we think Oskar would find a two headed goat sexy if it nuzzled his crotch right. You see, Oskar is sort of an attention starved sad sack.

First off, he lives in a crappy Swedish apartment complex, which is two fallen roof shingles away from Cabrini-Green status. Perpetually bullied at school, wimpy Oskar passes his after-school hours with fantasies of gutting his tormentors with a hunting knife. One night while practicing his stabbing technique on an innocent front lawn tree, a mysterious girl named Eli appears behind him. She's impressed by his knife work, and the two strike up a convo. Seems Eli and her "father" are new in town, and just moved in next door to Oskar. A few chance meetings turn into planned dates, and soon little Oskar is sharing blood-stained kisses with his new steady ghoul-friend. Poor Oskar, can't catch a break. He must have known his first chance at scoring would come with an asterisk.

As Eli eventually points out, she is not your average girl-next-door, but a vampire responsible for the various deaths occurring in town. (I've heard of a girl draining a fella's life force, but geez!) Each day, as the body count rises, so does Oskar blood temperature for Eli. But is the vixen merely getting him hot because she wants a home cooked warm meal? Oskar has a decision to make: continue to cohort with the hungry, murderous Eli, or turn his back on his one true friend and lover. Vampy action abounds in the 2008 frightfest "Let the Right One In."




The Low-Down:
America, you have a thing or two to learn from those damn foreigners. We have been getting SCHOOLED by overseas horror filmmakers for the last ten years. "Let the Right One In" sinks that point in with two sharp fangs. Original, touching, and shock inducing, this Swedish film gave the RHDP a reason to once again embrace the recently soiled name of the vampire (And let me tell ya, did this one ever drink deep from our necks).

Who would have thought that an art film production and horror premise would mix so well? Each step of this film felt precisely constructed, deliberate -- and assembled into a solid paved plot walkway that any viewer could happily skip across.

The cinematography was stunning. Each shot was like a demented Swedish postcard. Red blood never looked so beautiful applied to snow. In fact, the scenery and cinematography were so soothing that when something truly horrific did happen, the shock seemed that much more satisfying. It was like awaking from a soft dream of snuggling with kittens only to find yourself actually in a gutter rubbing AIDS infected rats on across your face.

And when it came to shock, this one didn't disappoint. Some vampire movies make their death scenes all pussified and romantic. This one went right for the jugular (YES, PUN!), with seemingly harmless Eli catching prey off guard and just savagely rocking the mofos. Throw in a little violent spontaneous combustion, a head twisted backwards, a man melting his face with acid, and some mind-bending vampiric anatomical curiosities (trust us, it’s messed up!), and this one might finally scare some sense into all those Twitards. Vampires should be scary, and "Let the Right One In" brings the genre back to its roots. Sorry, Britney, Edward may seem sexy, but he should be much more bite than babe.

RHDP Ratings:
C-Rating: 4.8
Chris Dimick declares: "I can't go against Bela Lugosi and his 1931 portrayal of Dracula. That is a classic, and incomparable to any film. But take that out of the running, and "Let The Right One In" is the best vampire movie I have ever seen. Vampire movies are usually all up in your grill with their historical subtext and sexiness. This movie goes for a more realistic take on the legend, and doesn't dwell that much in the lore. A very fresh approach.
Not much really happens plot wise in this movie. This would usually make for an annoying snail's pace. But this is a work of subtly, a gasp that starts soft and eventually grows into a blood dispelling scream. Subtlety is where most horror movies falter, which is why it is so refreshing to view a film that excels in this area. Life, and especially love, are a series of moments stacked atop each other until the mind sums those parts into an experience or relationship. This film perfectly portrays that. It's the story of love and attraction, how a million little moments can build into a deep bond with a person -- human or vampire. Brick by brick, the young kids' relationship grows. And scene by scene, I fell in love with this no-holds-barred, smart flick."

N-Rating: 4.9
Nick Rich declares: "I was captivated from the first shot, darkness with snow sweeping in. When thinking back on this film I can’t come up with a single thing I didn’t like (hence the 4.9). There were some negative feelings when I thought of certain parts, but they were because the characters made me feel that way – not because the film was lacking. This film has everything I love in a horror movie: realism (you felt like there was a documentary crew following the Norwegian townsfolk around, and everyone looked average or below), stillness (the establishing shots were amazing in this film, you felt like you were living with the characters in the barren winter landscape), subtly (the relationships between all the characters were not overly defined, which stimulated the brain as it watched), creativity (everyone knows the story of the vampire, but this film made me feel as if I had only heard rumors and was now truly encountering them) and shocking moments (there were multiple times where I was genuinely caught off guard and could only screech “Ohh!” in response). This film was a pleasure to watch, a feast for the eyes that works its way into the mind. The Skinny: check this film out if you secretly love art house films but are too ashamed to tell anyone you love art house films; it will not disappoint."

Quote of the Viewing:
[Eli lies down naked in bed with Oskar, and soon tells him again that she is "not a girl."]
Chris: "When your girlfriend tells you she isn't a girl, and she is laying behind your naked ass, shouldn't you be concerned?"
Nick: "Oskar, he is a troubled boy, Chris. Remember, he sleeps with a knife under his bed."
(pause)
Nick: "And he wears whitey-tighties... in freezing Sweden. Yep...issues."

People the RDHP Would be Most Scared to See as 12-year-olds FOREVER:
- Regis Philbin. Can you imagine a world with his random outbursts coming from a pre-pubescent voice for all time? We can… and it’s terrifying!
- Albert Einstein
- Edgar Allen Poe. It’s creepy to see a mustache on a 12-year-old, and depressed child vampires are, well… depressing.
- John and Kate Gosselin's kids. If they remained kids forever, it'd mean a forever of their parents on TV. Shudder!
- Al Sharpton. He is creepy no matter what age.

Reasons the RDHP Would Wear Whitey-Tighties:
- To avert a global apocalypse
- If wearing them would allow us to time travel
- Age related “body changes”
- To scare off attacking Norsemen. Try it, it totally works.
- To enhance our bulges:

Sorry Mom, but you started us wearing them!

RDHP Vampire Hall of Fame:

Bela Lugosi

Christopher Lee

Dick Cheney

Kirsten Dunst

Whores in "From Dusk Till Dawn"

Spencer Pratt