Film #49: Bride of Frankenstein (1935)

“Everybody, needs somebody.
Everybody, needs somebody to love.
Sweetheart to miss.
Sugar to kiss.”

If anyone knows what the Blues Brothers were signing about here, it is Frankenstein's monster.
All the brother wanted was a nice wife to snuggle with, or hell, at least a friend to share a smoke.
Seems like a simple enough want… yet one Frank never fully received during his short time on earth as shown in this week’s film “Bride of Frankenstein.”

Taking a page from the Phantasm masterpieces, sequel “Bride” begins exactly where the first Frankenstein movie left off. An angry mob has forced Frankenstein's monster and his creator Henry Frankenstein onto the roof of the local windmill. Frank throws his daddy off the roof, and that pisses of the villagers. When Frank's pet peeve fire causes the building to crumble, and the man-made monster is seemingly destroyed.

The cops tell all the rubberneckers to get back to their useless lives, but after the ruckus dies down we learn that Frankenstein survived the fall and fire, and has come out the other side more pissed off at the world than a November 2008 Republican.

Turns out that Henry Frankenstein also survived his brush with the angry mob, and he is returned to his fiancée with the promise to never create life from death again (yeah right, once a mad scientist, always a… well, you know the saying.)

That night, a mysterious former professor of Henry’s, Doctor Pretorius, shows up trying to convince Henry to create again. Seems old Pretorius has been playing Mohammed as well, creating miniature people from scratch using nothing more than old toenail clippings and duct tape.
Pretorius says that by combining his technique for original tissue creation with Frankenstein's ability to reanimate dead body parts, the two could finally create a normal living person… this time, A LADY!

Meanwhile, monster Frankenstein wreaks havoc on the townsfolk. But he is no longer the wandering, ultraviolent beast portrayed in the first film. Now old Frankie is actually using that heart installed by Henry, showing viewers his sensitive side.

Seems all the old boy wants is a friend! A compadre! A brotherman! A boi-e! He’s soooo lonely!
Frank takes up with a blind man who can’t see his hideousness, and the man teaches Frank how to talk, smoke cigars, and get drunk (all the basics of life). But their friendship is short-lived when yet another angry mob splits up their man-time. WHY OH WHY CAN’T FRANK FIND SOMEONE TO LOVE!

When Henry refuses to help Pretorius with his dream work, sneaky Pretorius catches up with Frank and says with the green man’s help, the two can make Henry create him a friend for life – an undead wife!

Will Frank finally get the companionship he has longed for? Will a lady monster be less killy?
Watch, in the 1935 horror classic “Bride of Frankenstein.”

RDHP Ratings and Review

C-Rating: 4.7
Chris Dimick growls:
“Just ask Frankenstein. Making friends is hard, especially as an adult.
As a kid, friends came as natural as the crapping your pants and fist fighting with your brothers. You'd meet friends everywhere, on the school swing set, at the short corner of your street, in the baseball diamond outfield. And it only took one shared interest or interesting personality trait for the two of you to become insta-friends.

But as an adult, new friendship is hard to come by. My heart goes out to Frankenstein in this flick, who is a grown man (physically at least) on the search for a non-online social network. Adults have already carved out their circle of friends, and found their niche within that circle (there couldn't be two mumbling undead monsters in a group! It'd be madness!).

Sure, adults meet new people all the time; have conversations with friendly employees in the work cafe, chat it up with a neighbor when passing on the street, swap friendly pleasantries during breaks in one's beginning ballet class (what, I'm trying to get limber).
But those acquaintances rarely ever cross the line into friendship -- the point where you exchange phone calls for weekend plans, invite each other over for illegal firework displays, gain opinions on strange rashes, or email to bullshit about what the Cubs are gonna do next year (my prediction, WORLD SERIES, baby!).

Much of this film made me very depressed for poor old Frankenstein. He was portrayed in Bride more as a mushy man-child than manic-monster. Overall, I'd have to disagree with those who feel Bride is superior in quality to the original Frankenstein film.
Sure, it was more entertaining, with its zany comedy and sentimental monster. But where it excelled in excitement it lacked in atmosphere and storytelling. The first Frank was epic and haunting, an exploration of the consequences of man finally using science to surpass "God."
Bride was fun, but when assembling this monster film director James Whale forgot to insert the guts. However, he did insert an oversized heart -- and my own bled for the humanized Frankenstein and his quest for friendship.

Frankenstein had an added disadvantage to making friends... he was a reanimated assemblage of dead body parts wrapped around Abby Normal's brain. But even when he got a few tips on improving his personality, poor Frank still couldn't find a friend, let alone a date.

Word to Frank before hitching his Lady Frankenstein, things get even more complicated when you are a married adult and try to find new couples to hang out with. This situation throws in two additional people to the chemistry mix, and the friend-beaker usually flares out in disaster.

As a person ages, the quality of friends becomes more important than the quantity, typically the goal of friend collecting teens and 20-somethings.
People become more picky over who they hang out with with age, and shrink down their true "friends" to a select group while still collecting "acquaintances."

Something that has taken me decades to learn, and that Frankenstein should take to heart, is the following on friendship. Your friends are wonderful people that truly do make your life more spicy, interesting, enjoyable and even bearable. But it is your family, Frankenstein, that will always pick you up when you are down, celebrate you when riding high, and instill sage advice when confused and in-between. Why? Because they have to.

I know you have daddy/creator issues, but grab a six pack of Pabst and hug it out with Henry Frankenstein! Then, work on your self-esteem issues. I saw how you punched your reflection in that lake in this film.
After all, you have to love yourself before others will."

N-Rating: 3.0
Nick Rich growls:

"What I want to know: how do they know Frankenstein's monster is green?

Sure there's a book that most likely details the hue of his skin and yes we could look to the Technicolor posters for a clue... but that could all be a conspiracy! A marketing ploy to hook you with a non-existent angle in order to get you to check out this flick!

Well... I'm fairly certain at this point that Bride of Frankenstein doesn't need the help enticing people to watch her (she is after all a 'classic'), but I wonder how people back when BoF was released reacted to the Monster being green. Did it blow their mind? Did it entice them? I'd like to think I would have wondered why he was green - after all I am in the horror business and know my corpses - but in all honestly I most likely would have been ignorant to corpse color. Circa 1935 I highly doubt I would have had regular exposure to decomposing bodies (or at least I hope so), so may not posses the knowledge that decomposing flesh doesn't turn green (gray however is an entirely different subject). So, the fact that the Monster was green may have very well instilled a sense of horror in my heart ("Golly gee, he's so dead he's green!").

Well Monster, I'm sorry to say that you (nor your green skin) instilled a sense of horror in my heart over the course of BoF... and that breaks my organ of existence almost as much as the Monster's repeated attempts to connect with others breaks his. BoF is such a classic that it is difficult to take on for the first time as a modern day viewer (yes, I confess I'd never seen BoF before our viewing, and yes, the rumors are true, I've still yet to see the original Frankenstein. If this disturbs you greatly I suggest focusing on other world issues more disturbing). I mean, we're talking about Frankenstein's Monster here! We all grew up seeing his face plastered (usually with a stupid smile) everywhere once a year. His fame has become so prolific that the reason he became famous has become irrelevant to most people (they call him Frankenstein for Pete's sake! His name is Franekstein's Monster people!), which in its own way is as sad as the Monster's plight in BoF. In essence, one of the most iconic instruments of horror has been neutered to sell cereal. I wonder if 40 years from now Freddy Krueger's likeness will be used to sell PopTarts.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is BoF had some handicaps against it going in, which is why I think I had a less than stellar experience watching it. I think most 20 to 30 somethings will have the same issues enjoying BoF as a horror movie; there's just too much shared history about it. It's like finally meeting someone a friend has gushed to you about incessantly - all of the build up sets you up for a let down. I wanted to be transported to a simpler time and feel the terror that those of yesteryear must have experienced (or so I thought they experienced). Instead I saw the original and it felt a caricature.

Frankly (oh, yes, I went there), I was expecting more from the Monster. I guess being famous has its drawbacks (I'd heard the rumors but never believed they were true).

BoF felt more like a comedy most of the time than a horror flick (it started out with Nancy boy's trilling prose! What the what?!?!). I can totally see how Frankenstein met Abbot and Costello came about - it was a natural progression of the groundwork laid in BoF. Which is fine in its own way (like when you support diversity, but aren't thrilled when your child comes home looking like this), but disappointing when it happens to a monster with the pedigree with Frankenstein's. Sure there were some interesting camera angles (or so Chris pointed out to me), but the characters felt unbelievable (punctuated by Frankenstein employing his trademark "it's ALIVEEE!" When the Bride begins to move) and that made the film feel a bit hokey. The most compelling aspect of the film was the Monster's search for companionship, but the genuine emotion you felt for him sat awkwardly with the tone of the rest of the film. At its best BoF is a sob-story about a lonely, lost soul; at its worst a vaudeville show you didn't plan on seeing.

I'm sure a second viewing knowing I was in for some vaudeville would make it more enjoyable, but I think deep down a part of me would still lament I couldn't find the companionship I was looking for... much like Frankenstein's Monster.

The Skinny: check this flick out if you want to understand/examine what it is like to be a woman experiencing PMS or if the pitty party you're throwing about your life goes on a bit too long."

Things We Learned From Bride of Frankenstein:
-The line between making friends and killing them is thin.
-Jew-fro's are never fashionable.
-Lord Barron is England's biggest sinner, not Harry Potter.
-Dandies are dandy, but liquor is quicker.
-Tush-tushing someone was real burn in the 1800s.
-All kings are horny, especially small ones.
-Alone, bad. Friend, good.
-Unkempt hair is a sign of insanity.
-Fire, bad:

Quote of the Viewing:
[Dr. Pretorius says he can prove to Henry Frankenstein that his wife is safe in the monster's hands by calling him and her on a electric talking machine.]

Nick: What, does Frankenstein have a cell phone?
Chris: That's what those things are on his neck, mini-cell towers.
Nick: Would you say his coverage is a head above the rest?

RDHP Plays Matchmaker:

Perfect Mates for Frankenstein

We've heard of mail order wives, but custom ordered ones! That's what Frank got in this flick, and even she hissed and barked in horror at him. But the RDHP just thinks he hasn't met the right partner yet. Channeling match.com, the RDHP presents our suggestions for Frankenstein monster mates. But remember Frank, don't give it up on the first date!

Elvira

The mistress of the dark wouldn't turn down such a haunting fellow. And after a career full of watching unsightly movies, we're sure Elvira could stand looking at Frank's ugly mug.

Rose McGowan

Let's put it this way... she once dated Marilyn Manson. So, yeah, her standards in a mate are at just about Frank's level.

Glenn Beck

Oh, please, don't pretend you didn't know this nut job loves him some green, dead man-flesh. "The ball is in your court Frank," sexted Beck to Frank's neck cell tower.

Nadya "Octomom" Suleman

At this point, Suleman doesn't care who becomes the father of her 1 million utter-suckers, as long as he doesn't wear Ed Hardy and can handle a woman whose uterus doubles as the Lincoln Tunnel.

All that plastic surgery gives her more stitches than Frank - in fact, that could be a conversation ice breaker on the first date!

Condoleezza Rice

First of all, she kind of looks like Frankenstein. Add in that she is used to being in close proximity to mentally retarded and inherently evil men, and she's the perfect catch!

This Woman

We're not sure if she is human, but the same can be said about Frankenstein! I hear wedding bells already.

RDHP Presents:

It's Not Easy Being Green

Frankenstein's Monster very wrote the book on how tough life is for those of the emerald shade. Here are some other famous greenies.

Yoda

You knew he was going to be first on our list, but to not be predictable we put him first on our list (cause you were expecting it!)!

The Hulk

We here at the RDHP think the Monster should have forgotten about the bride and looked for Lou Feriggno instead - they are a match made in heaven!

Kermit The Frog

While the Monster embodied this saying this enterprising amphibian coined it. Also, they both can wear a blazer like nobody's business!

The Green Lantern

He may not actually be green, but he certainly digs the color. Also, he has it rough like the Monster - I mean, who would want a ring of ultimate power that can create anything the wearer can imagine? Talk about tough life!

Star Trek Green Slave Women

Say what you will about the volatile life of Frankenstein's Monster, at least he never had to shake his money maker to subsist... or kiss Kirk.

Mike

A cuddly version of Freddy Kreuger... wait is it 2042 already?!?

Film #48: Phantasm III: Lord of the Dead (1994)

Kevin McCallister is soooooo cute!
Remember that time in Home Alone 2 when the little left-behind tyke covered an escape ladder with grease, and when the robber tried to climb it he fell-down-go-boom!

You just gotta love Kevin's traps. Then there was that time he put razor blades on a Frisbee, and when then threw it at the burglar he decapitated the guy’s still talking head?!
Hahaha…eehhhhh, wait a minute.
That last one wasn’t Home Alone. Our mistake. We confused that loveable blonde haired, John Hughes-loving Kevin for 11-year-old Tim, also a burglar torturing tyke, who is featured in this week's film “Phantasm III: Lord of the Dead.”

It is easy to get them confused… SEEING AS PHANTASM COMPLETELY RIPPED OFF THE 1990 CLASSIC OF OUR CHILDHOOD. For shame!

This epic adventure in ineptitude begins exactly where the last Phantasm left off. Ice cream man turned vigilante Reggie is nervously awaiting the recovery of friend and alien killing partner, Mike, who was injured while doing battle with the infamous Tall Man.
In Phantasm 2, Reggie and Mike scoured the western countryside trying to destroy The Tall Man, a giant corpse stealing alien who was wreaking havoc on small towns by raiding their cemeteries and turning the dead into a mutant army bent on taking over the entire dimension!

Just as Mike wakes up from his Part 2 battle induced coma at the start of Phantasm 3, he is stolen away by The Tall Man. But Reggie isn’t left completely alone. Seems Mike’s brother Jody, who was murdered and mutated by The Tall Man in the the first Phantasm, has been transformed into one of those pesky kill balls The Tall Man likes to play (murder) with. Ball Jody tells Reggie to head to a nearby small town, which has recently been destroyed by the Tall Man’s army.

Following the balls order, Reggie arrives in the town but is captured by Russian looking thieves (wasn’t the cold war over by 1994?), who then proceed to raid a nearby house. Bad mistake… for lurking behind those walls is that Home Alone rip off Tim, who has booby-trapped the house with various burglar kill devices.
What his traps down kill, Tim's tomahawk and six shooter does.

Seems Tim’s parents were murdered along with the rest of the townspeople during the Tall Man’s tirade. Reggie doesn’t have to do much talking to convince Tim to help him find Mike and banish The Tall Man to alien-hell once and for all.
Along the way they meet sassy and sexy Roxy, a soul sister that packs num-chucks, sports a fade Grace Jones cut, and specializes in breaking balls -- especially the Tall Man’s.

The motley crew of Roxy, Reggie and Tim join forces to take on the one thing that connects them all, hatred for The Tall Man.
But can they battle the absurdity of the plot to recapture Mike and save our entire dimension? Try and find out, in the mind-numbing 1994 adventure, Phantasm III: Lord of the Dead.

RDHP Ratings and Review

C-Rating 1.0
Chris Dimick ponytails:
“FINALLY WE HAVE SOME ANSWERS, PHANTASM!

For three movies now Nick and I have been subjecting ourselves to the wondrous hell that is viewing a Phantasm movie out of pure hope that we’ll finally get some solid plot answers concerning these 5 W’s:

Who is The Tall Man?
Why does he steal corpses?
What are those flying silver kill balls?
Where do Tall Man's midget minion killers come from?
When will we get to stop watching Phantasm movies?

Following the first nonsensical, pointless, so-bad-its-kinda-good-but-mostly-bad Phantasm viewing, Nick wanted to quit this much hyped 80s/90s series. But I was determined that the sequels would hold answers to all of our Phantasmy questions, and finally explain just what the hell is going on in these film.

Phantasm II came and went, and we were still confused. Nick was hell bent on never watching another Phantasm movie, angry he had been coerced into watching a second round of crap. A full bottle of ether and some quick frontal lobe surgery later, and Nick finally relented to allow Phantasm III to be placed on the RDHP calendar.

AND GOOD THING WE DID WATCH, EH, NICK! Otherwise we wouldn’t now have the copious answers to Phantasm questions that have caused both of us to lay awake, soaked in sweat and urine, pining for an explanation regarding the ridiculousness we had endured for two movies.

Sure, like a Season 6 Lost episode, Phantasm III served up just as many questions as answers. But we’ll take what we can get at this point.

Readers, I feel it is my duty as a kind hearted individual to list the all the plot answers to the above 5 W’s. This will be done so no other human will again have to watch the Phantasm series just to learn what the hell is going on in the plot.
Q: Who is the Tall Man?
A: He is an alien overlord from another dimension bent on taking over not just earth, but this entire dimension, one small town at a time.

Q: Why does he steal corpses?
A: The Tall Man works/holes up in mortuaries in order to steal dead bodies and shrink them down into mindless alien/human hybrid creatures that will serve as his helpers in taking over the dimension.

Q: What are those flying, silver kill balls?
A: During his conversion of the dead bodies, the Tall Man takes out a large section of the victim's brain and inserts it into the flying silver kill balls. These balls are programmed to kill, but can have a "mind" of their own – ie. “Jody” ball overcoming The Tall Man’s mind control and siding with Reggie and his Tall Man hunting clan.

Q:Where do Tall Man's midget minion killers come from?
A: Answered above, they are former human corpses transformed into a Tall Man army bent on taking over the dimension.

Q: When will we get to stop watching Phantasm movies?
A: One would think that with these Five Phantasm W’s answered, Nick and I would just quit our Phantasm voyage.
But alas, there is only one Phantasm movie left – 1998’s Phantasm IV: Oblivion. We’ve come this far, melted our minds this much, and I feel we just HAVE to finish out the series. After all, like the final line in Part III says, "Seeing is easy, but understanding takes time."

Sure, Nick and I didn’t expect Phantasm to become the horror franchise of the RDHP. But become it, it has. Expect to see Part IV screened in a few weeks, folks. Understanding takes time, after all, and Part 3 didn't wrap up all those loose ends. Don’t fight it Nick, embrace it. Embrace those silver balls!”

N-Rating: 0.4
Nick Rich ponytails:

"As Chris mentioned, I didn't want to watch Phantasm III (and for the record I really don't want to watch part IV), but fate (and Chris's morbid fascination with 'answers') apparently had something different in mind for me. Well, you know what good ol' Uncle Ben says, "with great power comes great responsibility" and because of the awesome responsibility that is the RDHP I guess watching this horror series has become a part of my lot in life... I hope you appreciate the sacrifice dear reader!

To give you an idea of how underwhelmed I was with Phantasm III I'll tell you a little story...

There once was a boy named Nick who, along with his friend Chris, both came up with an idea to take their love of horror movies to a new level and embark on a trip through time by watching one film per year of horror film history. This journey was thrilling, horrifying, and at times arduous, but much like painting the fence and waxing old cars had done for Daniel-san in the Karate Kid, the RDHP had instilled in Nick writing reflexes and discipline he had yet to dream of. A discipline that had yet to fail our brave hero in 47 films (that's nary a year's worth of viewings for those counting)... a discipline that Phantasm III nearly vanquished! You see, where film after film had been felled to Nick's awesome blogging power, Phantasm III was so lackluster that he very nearly forgot to add his additions to the RDHP - dun, dun, DUNNNNN!

It's ok. Take a moment to soak in the horror of that situation... terrifying isn't it?

Historically, Thursday evening or Friday morning are typically when our handsome protagonist tends to 'pen' his portion of the blog. This Thursday evening Nick's wife wasn't feeling well, so she retired to bed quite early, leaving Nick to an evening of solitude to do whatever he wished... so naturally he watched a horror film. After a relaxing viewing of John Landis's An American Werewolf in London it was nearly morning in it's own right, so Nick headed to bed so he might be refreshed for the next day's work. After he was finished with his daily reading from the Bible (good for the soul) his last stop before bed was to employ good dental hygiene (good for the wallet). As he dutifully swished his mouthwash, Nick froze in horror as he realized he had yet to write the blog or retire early to bed so as to get a decent night's sleep in preparation of a Friday morning writing session. The burning sensation in his gums (Nick had kept his mouthwash in his mouth too long, such was his state of shock) snapped Nick back to reality.

Spit.

The burning slowly ceased and a gentle resignation settled over him... he would have to rise too early to battle this ghastly menace in a few short hours... if only he could spit out Phantasm III.

So gentle readers, there you have it - the story of how Phantasm III nearly destroyed the hard-fought discipline of the deadline minded, newspapermen at heart RDHP. A truly chilling story to be sure!

Note: It's been said that animals can sense when their master is happy or sad and respond accordingly (especially when their master is despondent). Typically as I blog one of my two cats will nestle up on my lap to keep me company as I assault the keyboard, but for my Phantasm III writing my feline friends could sense something was amiss so they both decided my lap needed attention (a rare treat to be sure). Exhibit A:

You may have noticed I didn't actually mention anything about Phantam III... and that was intentional. To speak of it beyond its title would give it much more power than it deserves, and Phantasm III has already taken too much from me... and nearly destroyed my relationship with the RDHP (and subsequently Chris) in the process. Maybe I should thank you Phantasm III for almost causing me to miss writing the blog; it saved me from having to write about you.

The Skinny: If you're thinking of checking this flick out because you love bad movies and want to experience the horror of this one - don't! ...Just don't. I say this with the same sincerity a former teen-mom has during the abstinence talk with her blossoming daughter... just don't."

Things We Learned From Phantasm III:
-Num-chucks are underrated weapons.
-It is totally cool to let a kid drive your Hemi-GTO, but only if you owe him "two."
-Unlucky in love Reggie "hopes that ball has a better sense of direction than mine do."
-The largest gothic mausoleum in America is located in a small Idaho town.
-Ex-army, knife wielding, fade cut women don't like horny crackers.
-But, race car boxers can really charm a sister.
-The phrase "I'm too old for this shit" following an action scene is officially the most overused line of the 80s/90s.
-Ghosts totally like to creep on sex acts.
-A lot of Nick and Chris' conversations during a Phantasm movie start with "I don't understand why..."
-Cryogenic: "because some folks never know when to give it up."
-Heaven has loose standards... even the dimension destroying Tall Man got in!
-Pink hearses do exist.
-"Kickin' zombie ass ain't Roxy's gig."
-Ever accosted by an alien bent on taking over your dimension, send him to Chicago in winter. Cold kills him.
-Skullets are sexy:

Quote of the Viewing:
[Scene: Flabbergasted that he is watching yet another Phantasm movie, Nick grits his teeth as the opening credits begin. With a defeated look on his face, he says in a broken voice:]

Nick: "I have a feeling this movie is going to change my life forever."

RDHP Salute Other Tall Men

With all the leg real estate, I wonder how many times The Tall Man of the Phantasm franchise got asked "how's the weather up there?" As an overlord alien, at least he could rightfully murder them for such a phrase, unlike some of these other tall (sometimes) law abiding citizens.

Abraham Lincoln

6 feet 4 inches

Reason he won his first election? More people could see him while standing on his platform, or while stumping. Oh my stars, wasn't that soft political joke damn hilarious!

Shaq

7 feet 1 inch

You know he's got skillz... on the basketball court. Acting... not so much.

Robert Pershing Wadlow

8 feet 11 inches

Officially the world's tallest human to ever walk the earth, when he died Wadlow must've been very tired of people asking him to grab them things off the top shelf at the grocery store.

Paul Bunyan

"63 Axe Handles Tall"

He craved out all five great lakes! At least that is what my public school geology teacher said!

Bill Brasky

10 feet tall

He's kind of like Paul Bunyan, only rape-ier.

Chris

6 feet 4 inches

Being outright offered the car's front seat since 1990 (puberty).

RDHP Salute Kids That Kick Butt

In honor of Tim the pint-sized alien slayer in Phantasm III the RDHP would like to look back on some of history's other kids who kick butt.

Hit Girl
This girl could use some serious soap + mouth action... but we wouldn't tell her that to her face.

Kevin McCallister

Don't let the Christmas sweater fool you! Thanks to this little mischief maker we now have to worry about getting smacked in the face with a paint can every time we walk up a flight of stairs.

Anakin Skywalker

Talk about a kid who can - wait... how did this whiny-Mcwhinester get on this list?!?

Ernie Reyes Jr.

This kid is the real deal (as anyone who has seen 80's-licious The Last Dragon will tell you)! His karate skills were so tight that they even made a gimmicky TV show around him called... wait for it... Sidekicks. Yeah.

Dennis The Menace

The O.G. of bad-boy kids. Every bad-kid worth his salt owes his attitudinal lineage to this romper.