Film #25: Tales from the Crypt (1972)

Greetings boils and ghouls!
Nick and Chris are dead tired from their slay-jobs, so they asked their olde pal the Crypt-keeper to take a stab at the RDHP blog.
I’m a fitting fill-in. After all, my early ‘90s television show – so beloved by Sick and Piss – was based on the same 1950s E.C. horror comics that inspired this week’s RDHP sin-ema: 1972's “Tales from the Crypt.”

This die-abolical film starts with a group of strangers entering a British crypt for a tour. After a die-er warning of not being dismembered from the group, five people wander off into a skull-studded chamber fitted with five cold slab seats.

Suddenly the chamber door slams shut, squealing them in the crypt, and a mysterious cloaked Crypt-keeper appears in the mouth of a huge wall-skull. Unlike my HBO version, this Crypt-keeper is really fleshed-out. Yet, despite being covered in disgusting muscle and skin, he still can weave a spooktacutlar tale!

One by one, the Crypt-keeper shows the trapped people their festering future through five movie vignettes -- each containing a horrifying sin, and an even more horrifying punishment for their wicked deeds.

The first vignette features a sultry vixen who murders her loving husband on AX-mas Eve, only to be stalked herself by a murderous psycho-Santa. Next comes a horny toad who tries to leave his wife and children for his mistress, but encounters grave trouble while driving along the die-way.

Third spins the tale of ghostly revenge on a rich, spiteful man who ruins his neighbor’s life – a lonely old garbage collector – for trashing the neighborhood with his scares. Fourth, we meet a swindling business man who is granted three wishes by a magic statue, but doesn’t heed the warning that all things come with a slice.
And lastly the corrupt superintendent of a blind asylum is shown that even the weak and sightless see dead when angry.

The five stranger's sins are all slayed out before the Crypt-keeper’s feet. They have screamed the error of their ways. Can these dastardly dopes redeem their souls, or is it too late? Find out in the 1972 boo-vie, "Tales from the Crypt."

Sorry if my putrid puns caused you to howl with pain. I haven’t been able to stop talking like that since my stroke.
And, my apologizes if you don’t like this week’s blog intro - but don’t pick a bone with the RDHP. By hiring me to fill in, they are working with a real skeleton crew.
Hehe, HEHEHEEHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!

RDHP Ratings and Reviews

C-Rating: 4.0
Chris Dimick’s tale:
“In real life, it is hard to tell the difference between good and evil. Things are not black or white, regardless of what Michael Jackson says. You know, the world is a confusing place, and sometimes it is hard to figure out just who to root for – who’s the good guy or who’s the bad guy.

It is because of this fact that I love movies like Tales from the Crypt – they clearly and succinctly tell you who to root and who to boo. Most Tales from the Crypt stories, both in this movie, in the comic books it is based on, and the eventual TV series, featured a horrible asshole who would Hot Carl those around them in some way, and then get an ironic and just come-up-ins by the end. This movie stuck close to the Tales from the Crypt legacy of “bad things happen to bad people – eventually.”

It is quite uplifting to see a murderous wife get stalked by a crazed killer, or a cheating husband eat a bumper sandwich in a balls-out car wreck. Tales from the Crypt takes the horror and makes it cathartic. Since the people who are being slaughtered and tormented in the tales deserve it, a viewer can cheer on the carnage whole-heartedly.

In fact, the tales actually make you crave horrible things to happen to the d-bags. Setting up the stories like this can buy into many a cliché, and over time the formula can get predictable and a bit lame. But that can be overlooked due to the insane amount of fun one has seeing someone get what they deserve.

Tales from the Crypt solves an inherit problem with horror movies. In most scary pictures, you are rooting for pure people to escape harm and horror delivered by evil-doers or situations. This can be hard to watch… seeing bad things happen to good or at least neutral people can be unpleasant, sickening and, well, scary. Hence a scary movie. That is great and all, but sometimes it can just be so depressing to see bad things happen to good people. Don't we get enough of that from life!?

But when bad things happen to bad people, there is no loser. Sure, plenty of good people get tormented in Tales from the Crypt, but at least by the end their tormentors are missing a few limbs or in the least taught a spooky lesson.

For first time in the RDHP, a 1970s film has delivered the goods. The TV series of the same name was instrumental in the development of my love for horror. That show taught me that horror movies can be both scary, hilarious, and ironic at the same time.
This movie, though not directly affiliated with the TV show, draws from the same horror well and will make you feel like a 10-year-old again, sneaking in spooky tales late at night without parental consent.

Tales from the Crypt will not only leave your smiling, but satisfied that – at least in the movies – there is a world where even though crappy stuff can happen to a good guy, the bad guy will get it worse."

N-Rating: 3.6
Nick Rich’s tale:
“Watching Tales from the Crypt was a rare treat for me. Having grown up with the 1990s TV show, seeing a big production 1970s version was awesome! Maybe I'm whimsical for days before my own, but the clothes, style and attitude of that period were so much cooler - I dread the day where I will look back on the 90s and think "I wish I could go back".

As Chris said, TFTC delivered the goods. The poor lead-in of the other RDHP 70's films definitely helped, but TFTC stood on its own merit with a dignified air about it that made it look and feel legit (maybe it was because of all the Brits). The segments were well constructed and entertaining (for the most part) and although the tales were much like I remember from my childhood (predictable), I found them unique and well executed enough to hold my interest.

Sir Ralph Richardson, while looking a bit like Friar Tuck, was captivating in his role as the Crypt-keeper - especially at the conclusion of the film. To make his performance all the more eerie, as he delivered his final monologue you could see him shaking gently (looking as if the onset of Parkinson's was beginning to plague him in real life); a visual reminder as to how frail we all are.

The Skinny: Check this flick out if you're in the mood for some old time Hollywood with a bit of 70s flair - its just good clean fun!”


Quote of the Viewing:
[Joan Collins' flowing 70s-licious hair fills the screen as she runs to the front door and bolts about five locks to deter a homicidal maniac]

Chris: That's a lot of locks.
Nick: She does have a lot of hair.
Chris: Booo, nice pun Crypt-keeper.
Nick: Ha! I really thought you meant her hair.

Things We Learned in "Tales from the Crypt"
-Do something evil, you gonna die, yo!
-Pedophiles love puppets.
-Blind people act like zombies when in groups.
-You can make your own Ouija board.
-Valentines can cause suicide.
-You can massage someone to death.
-England in the 70s looked like the US in the 40s.
-The blind are great at carpentry:

Your Wish Is My Command!

If You Dare!

A vignette in TFTC focuses on a magic statute that grants a person three wishes, but fulfills them in horrifying ways. People get what they ask for, but they also get a heaping helping of irony. If the RDHP had a magic evil statue, here are the three wishes we would be ask for... and how would they come to an ironic, tragic end:

Chris' Three Wishes:

Cubs Win the World Series

It has been 102 years since they were champions. So, this wish seems like a fan's dream come true, until drunken, riotous Cubs fans set fire to Wrigleyville and burn Chris's house down. Damn You Old Style!

Unlimited Supply of Bell’s Oberon

and Ruffles Sour Cream and Cheddar Chips

With my two favorite food items secured for life, I would quit my job and do nothing but ingest this sweet sweet God nectar. After three days of nonstop gorging, first I go blind, then my heart explodes.

World Peace

Everyone come in for a hug. Yay! All weapons are destroyed, and we live happily ever after. At least until we are invaded by low-tech aliens who enslave us with the aid of mere sharpened sticks. Where is a terrorist when you need one? Ji-hello?

Nick's Three Wishes:

The Eternal Puppy

Oh to have a pooch that would always have that puppy smell and looks! As puppies have trouble with discipline, the pooch wouldn't learn to stay away from my feet as I walk near my front stairwell... One day while rushing to work I would trip over man's best friend to my doom! The last thing I would see is a little tongue licking my cheek...

Independently Wealthy

Once rich (in deed as well as name) I would promptly quit my job and become addicted to computer games. After getting the sweetest gaming setup known to man, I would then slowly loose all muscle function due to lack of movement... then lose my wife whom I would be unable to run after.

Super Powers

Ah, the life-long dream to be "super"! Once bestowed with the miraculous ability to shape-shift, I would change into a massive eagle and soar through the sky... only to be sucked into an incoming plane's jet engine.

Ode to the Pencil Thin Mustache

One of the characters in TFTC was rocking this look... and the RDHP could just about feeeel the skeez coming through the screen. It inspired Chris to pen a pencil thin ode.

Mustachioed man!

With the pencil-thin hair.

Because it's so horrible,

Your look is quite rare.

Unless you're John Waters,

This isn't okay.

You look like a creeper,

Or 1980s gay.

Mustachioed man?

One look, I'm unclean.

Your 'stache be so nasty,

in the non-disco scene.

Here is a razor,

Just shave that shit off.

Stay away from my children,

Like 'stache, your head's soft.

Reasons Not to Mess With the Blind

Blind people get mad revenge on a dude that done them wrong in TFTC. If this movie isn't enough warning, here are several random reasons not to piss off the sightless:

1. One word: Daredevil.

2.They can't see you, but they can read your thoughts.

3. Most have dogs at their side... ready to rip out your throat.

4. They're blind! I mean, come on!

5. You can't fear what you can't see.

Film #24: The Seventh Victim (1943)

Welcome to our Satanic Club!
Come in… come in, have a seat. You must have seen our ad in the paper.
Let’s just hang up your coat and… oh, I see you brought a severed cat head.
Awwwwwkward… you see, our Satanic Club doesn’t really do sacrifices. People mainly do that on their own time.
Yeah, we are more “hands-off” Satan worshipers. Mostly, we just recite dark lord text and peer-pressure defunct members into committing suicide.
Tonight is actually recipe exchange night… I’m going to share my grandma’s mix for Devil’s Food Cake.
But, you know, it’s cool, it’s cool. We’ll just put that head in the fridge and you can pick it up on your way out.
Ick… got some blood on my cuff link there...

There is nothing worse than lame devil worshipers. But you will find them galore in this week’s movie “The Seventh Victim.” The above scene could have come straight out of a Tuesday night meeting of the Diabolists, the Satan-servants at the center of this low-budget thriller. The flick starts with an introduction to sweet as pie Mary Gibson, a late-teens boarding school student who learns that her meal-ticket sister has stopped paying tuition. Where’s the beef?! Seems Mary’s sister Jacqueline, a beautiful and successful cosmetics maker in Manhattan, has suddenly sold her business and disappeared into the New York madness.

Worried about her sister, Mary high-tails it to New York City to track her down. But Jacqueline has vanished without a trace, leaving behind only suspicious coworkers and a mysterious rented room with a single empty noose hanging from the rafters. A private investigator takes the case to track down Jackie, and discovers that Jacqueline didn’t sell her company to coworker Ms. Fallon, but gifted it to her. Something for nuthin’, in New York! It just doesn’t add up. Then Mary learns Jacqueline has a secret husband, and has been seeing mysterious psychologist Dr. Louis Judd – who claims to know where Jacqueline is but can never produce her when asked. His eyes are shifty too. Sh#& is going down!

One night while searching the cosmetics store, the private investigator is murdered in the shadows just out of Mary’s sight. Later, two men are seen by Mary sneaking the corpse away Weekend at Bernie’s style on a late night subway train. Who are these people! Are they after Mary too? What is Jacqueline involved in? Is Mary Kay trying to take out the competition?!?

It is soon revealed that Jacqueline – a woman always interested in death and the macabre (as evident by her little hangman’s noose room) – has fallen in and then fallen out with the Diabolists cult, a somewhat pacifist devil group headed in part by Ms. Fallon. Jackie recently tried to escape the grip of the cult by seeing psychiatrist Dr. Judd, but her loose tongue on the doings of the Diabolists enraged the group and forced them to try and “murder” the woman, just as they have six times before in the group's history with other non-team players. Of course, their way of murdering someone is first driving the person insane and then convincing them to kill themselves. Wouldn’t a gunshot to the head be faster?
Will Jacqueline become the seventh victim in 1943’s shadowy “The Seventh Victim?”

RDHP Ratings and Reviews

C-Rating: 2.5
Chris Dimick chants:
“Yawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwn! Oh, excuse me… I just now woke up from the snooze inducing drug that is The Seventh Victim. If a movie is going to have Satan worshipers in it, don’t make them pacifists hell-bent on reading dark scripture and debating the morality of murder. I want tattooed, nipple-pieced, blood-drinking, devil horn wearing, heart-eating, GWAR listening crazies all up in my face, yo!
But let’s be fair, this is 1943. Even devil worshipers wore formal dresses and a suit and tie. I’m a man who tries to focus on the good in this world. So instead of going on about the evils of The Seventh Victim, I’d like to highlight its white side.

Here we have another movie from producer Val Lewton, who became famous for his wartime series of low budget but effective spook stories, like the previously RDHP reviewed film “Cat People.”

Lewton’s films are very stylistic and chic, and this one felt like warm velvet cascading across your eye lids. The Seventh Victim is heavy on dialog, and low on action. While that could seem boring, and at times it is, it is also brilliant in that it makes much of the movie take place inside a person’s cranium.

In classic Lewton fashion, the use of shadow, angled camera shots and creepy atmosphere is very effective in this movie. You can’t quite see the action, but a shadow is good enough given the great setup. The characters are the center of interest for the audience, especially the strange Jacqueline, played almost like a mindless zombie by actress Jean Brooks.

Although the characters are developed quickly, they are also developed deep. We learn that Jacqueline keeps the hanging noose in that apartment as a guarantee that whenever she wants, she can kill herself. That thought, that death can come at any point necessary, frees Jacqueline to live life with purpose and vigor.
Then there is the presentation of the Diabolists. I know I joked earlier about what boring Satanists they were, but in all honestly I thought it was refreshing that this group was displayed not as monsters but as rational, sympathetic and keen people who choose to worship Satan because they felt it is the right choice. It was almost an unbiased look at devil worshipers… at least for awhile until a preachy character chastises their evil ways.

Alright, enough with the good. This movie is very underwhelming, which made it hard to like. Like a frat-boy on an ice-skating date, the film moved very, very slow, which is a feat for a flick with only a 70 minute run time. It’s too heavily dependent on dialog, and not original enough to keep my eyes from closing.
While it was nice to see devil worshipers portrayed in a unique light, their rational ways didn’t make for very interesting cinema. Less talk, more devil worshiping!
But the movie had heart, great character development, and an ending that makes you think, shout, and grin a twisted grin.
You get a 2.5, The Seventh Victim. Now, get in your DVD case and let me go back to sleep."

N-Rating: 2.4
Nick Rich chants:
"I'm not quite sure how to feel about The Seventh Victim... Much like the female vying for the heralded status of the "seventh victim", sitting down to write my review has left me feeling trapped, desperate, and surprisingly fetching. I suppose these feelings are rooted in the fact that my heart and my head seem unable to agree upon how to respond to this film.

Nick's Heart: Oh , the dreaminess of the 1940's - I never tire of it! Ladies dressed to the nine's (I don't know what that means, but it makes me beat faster!) sporting impossibly impractical hairdos, shadowy shadows at every corner for people to sneak or smolder in (and boy howdy do they ever!
Did you know that in the 1940's telling someone your name could mean you've agreed to marry them? I beat faster just thinking about it!), and the formality to the point of absurdity (when else could you politely confront a group trying to kill someone with such good manners? Did you feel that? I think I just skipped!)! Then there's the story - I had never seen one like it! It had all the makings of a real nail biter... but I think it forgot that is was supposed to bite... but that's ok, it tried!

Nick's Head: Yes, well, the heart isn't all that intelligent if you hadn't noticed. Dim as it may be, it does occasionally nag me into submission, but in the case of The Seventh Victim I simply could not concede defeat.
Everything the heart said was true - partially. As usual, it viewed everything through rose colored glasses. Certainly, the story was original (at one point I even asserted how I would frustrate Nick should the lead female not appear in the film as she was spoken of so highly that one would expect to see the lovechild of history's most beautiful people - I was shocked when she eventually appeared and I wasn't given cause to bother Nick), but just because it was a story I had never processed before does not make it great. The story seemed to meander along, not quite knowing what to do with itself which caused it to seem quite long - even though it was 2 minutes shorter than the last RKO film I analyzed for Nick which seemed to breeze by (see Cat People)! The characters, like most we've seen in films from this era, behaved as if their life-spans were akin to a fruit fly, thereby enabling them to commit to mates after a few moments of banal interaction (absurd!).
I did allow Nick a thrill of excitement when I processed that this film featured a reoccurring RKO character: Dr. Louis Judd. While his demure behavior, pencil-thin mustache and ridiculous social airs in dire situations were amusing, I simply could not give myself over to allowing Nick to fully enjoy this film.

Phew! Well, they certainly were opinionated today... if you think this was bad, you should see them at overpopulated animal shelters when kittens and puppies are involved.

The Skinny: Check this flick out if you ever wondered what would happen if Maria from The Sound of Music had wandered into noir New York instead of the Austrian countryside - but don't expect any singing..."

RDHP Story Corner Presents:

The Worm

By Chris Dimick

The worm squiggled between the boy’s dirty thumb and index finger. As the crowd roared, the boy flinched and clicked his teeth. "Will this make them love me?" he thought.
The worm, it wouldn’t give up. Thrashing and whipping its oblong body, it tried its best to avoid becoming an afternoon recess snack.

Perhaps the thing I found most interesting about The Seventh Victim is its portrayal of peer-pressure. At one point, the group of Diabolists gather around the mentally broken Jacqueline, and try to convince her to kill herself… thereby enacting the Diabolists revenge for leaving their group. The whole scene, and its outcome, reminded me of the powerful and damaging effects peer pressure can have on the pressured, and sometimes even the pressurers.

In fourth grade, I walked onto the Washington Elementary School playground at the start of afternoon recess to find a group gathered around a large mud puddle at the back of the schoolyard.

It had just rained, and worms were desperately climbing from the waterlogged earth onto dry land near the puddle. Just before I arrived to the group, a classmate of mine had dared another boy to eat one of the earthworms.
Now, granted, the dared kid had a penchant for eating anything and everything on the face of the earth – from pencil erasers, to pre-chewed sidewalk gum, to moldy food out of a garbage can. Let’s call him Jake.

He was legendary in school, or more likely notorious for this behavior. Naturally, if a kid that weird will eat a moldy sandwich out of a trash can, he’d be down with slugging down an earthworm right? Hence came the dare.

At first, Jake the anything-eater denied the request. Gross, a worm! Too far, he said. But as the crowd grew and grew, so did the shouts for Jake to swallow one of the slimy suckers.
Looking back, I’m sure this kid was a few bricks short. He had been held back at least one grade, was not very sociable, and always had dirt on his face. Most of the taunters gathered knew this about Jake, which just made them yell for worm blood even louder.

Everyone knew that if they kept encouraging Jake to eat it, the guy would. It was his one way to get attention. In Jake's mind, he thought that by eating anything someone dared him that he would gain their admiration, their friendship, their respect. The horrible truth though was the opposite occurred every time he put a dirty toe nail down his throat.

Each thing he ate made people dislike him more, think he was more of a freak, a weirdo, a spaz. People were only nice to Jake when they wanted him to do something disgusting for their amusement.
“Eat it! Eat it! Eat it!” chants soon began. Jake’s eyes twitched with fright.
“No! I don’t want to!” he said, still holding the shaking worm between his fingers. The boy also began to shake with nervousness, moving his head as he uncontrollably laughed.
Just when the shouts for eating reached their highest point, Jake yelled, his eyes went wide, and he threw the worm into his mouth.
One crunch, and down it went.

“EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!” THE GIRLS SCREAMED! “SICKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!” THE BOYS YELLED.
Then came the laughs.

The worm-eater smiled, hoping this bold action would surely bring at least one friend to his usually empty lunch room table. Yet this act had only made more enemies. A few people laughed in his face. Some others called him a “sick retard.” Most threw him a chuckle, then a look of disgust.

Once the initial shock and awe wore off, the mob dispersed for the jungle gym and swings. Their mission was completed, nothing left to see here. “Jake the sick retard” ate another gross thing. Once again, peer pressure had overcome the weak.

I was one of the last to leave, and as I did, I looked over my shoulder to see Jake’s smile fade into a scowl. Just before I turned away, I saw him start to cry.

I have to admit, at first I was one of the people chanting and cheering, and also one of those who – after the worm checked into the stomach hotel – yelled in disgust and then went about my business.

Afterward I remembered this incident mainly because I saw a kid eat a worm. Holy shit! That was gross! But after a few years, I would look back at that day, that situation, and it would make me feel sick.

This sick feeling came not because someone ate a worm, but the reasons why they ate it. That kid didn’t want to eat that worm. Nor did he probably want to eat that ABC gum, garbage sandwich or pencil eraser. Jake did it because he thought it would make him popular. Would make him a somebody. He did it because he cracked under the pressure of his peers.
An angry mob, shouting at a mentally challenged boy to embarrass himself. It amazes me, the things people do to others for their amusement. But the real thing that gets me is the things people can get others to do, if enough of them ask.

Peer-pressure is a powerful thing. I’ve asked myself the following question for a few years now following this event. Which of us was the sick one? The boy who ate the worm? Or the crowd who called for it?


Things We Learned From Watching The Seventh Victim:
-The Betty Page hairdo only looked good on Betty Page
-People instantly fall in love in the 1940s, without showing any emotion.
-The following song is appropriate for kindergartners: “Here comes a candle to light you to bed. Here comes a chopper to chop off your head.”
-Satan worshipers in the 1940s dressed to the nines.
-Lonely librarians love to hear how slim their hands are.
-People actually used the library in 1943.
-Most people are “lonely and unhappy.”
-When you need a waitress, bang a knife on your glass. Wait staff think it is charming.
-One must have courage to really live in the world.
-“Life isn’t worth living if you can’t end it yourself.”

RDHP Presents:

The Best Ways to Kill Yourself

Suicide should never be an option. No matter how hard dark life gets, one should know that the next dawn is not far off. However, if you gotta take yourself out, then do it in style! In honor of The Seventh Victim main character Jacqueline – who just couldn’t get enough of self-inflicted death – we present the absolute best ways to kill yourself. Put down those prescription drugs, and have fun with it, dawg!

Drown in Beer

Who hasn’t wanted to swim around in a beer vat? Might as well make your last request your mode of death too.

Head in the Oven

A classic suicide! Retro is in, so why not gas yourself with this efficient, easy and novel way to croak! This doesn’t work so well if you have an electric oven, but I guess you could always just burn yourself to death too.

Naked Model Avalanche

Homer Simpson once said this was his dream way to die. Can’t argue with the man. Model can be man or woman, or both... pick your poison.

Thelma and Louise Style

When plummeting to your death, always make sure you hold hands.

Double-Down to Death

All it will take is three of these babies, and your blood will curdle into chicken grease, stopping your heart. Make KFC stand for Killed From Chicken!

Murder-Suicide

Death can be lonely. Caring is sharing. Doing things with friends is much more fun than doing them alone.

RDHP Fashion Show!

Turn to the left, 1940s! The RDHP just can’t get over the fashion of the 1940s. Oh how we long for the days when people wore suits to worship Satan, or a knee-high dress on their trip to the morgue. As the “slobification of America” continues, we take a look back at the wonderful fashions that clothed the Greatest Generation.

Down with blue jeans! Up with formal wear!

Film #23: Phantasm 2

First is the worst.
Second’s the best.
Third’s the one with the hairy old chest.
The saying rings true with the Phantasm franchise, where somehow the second film in this ridiculous series ended up outshining the unintelligible first. Hooray for miracles!
But, let’s not get carried away here. Saying Phantasm 2 is better than the first Phantasm is like saying World War Two was better than World War One. They were both horrible, and caused many men to lose their lives.

Phantasm 2 picks up ten years after the events of the first “movie.” Loveable little Mike, who had his entire family butchered by the mysterious mortician/alien/grave-robber The Tall Man in the first movie, is now all grows up and ready to leave the psychiatric hospital he’s spent the last ten years.

Seems Mike’s doctors have been trying to convince him his Tall Man Tall Tales were all just a bunch of make-believe hooey. Mike sings a song and dance about finally believing the Tall Man is not real, and is promptly released from his padded room.

Yet wouldn’t you know it, the first place Mike goes upon release is to the Tall Man’s cemetery to dig up graves, hoping to prove to the rest of the world his nefarious body stealing plot.

Mike hooks back up with ice-cream man turned full time d-bag Reggie, the only other person to survive the first movie’s events.

Hot damn! It’s a full on Phantasm reunion! Not wanting to be left out, The Tall Man soon shows up too. But he’s pissed he didn’t get invited in the first place (“nooobody wiiiiikes me cause I’m soo tallllll,” he cries), and in an act of revenge he causes Reggie’s house to explode with his entire family still inside – killing them all. What a dick!

Now with nothing to live for, both Mike and Reggie have had enough of that bastard Tall Man. They decide to craft zany weapons, hit the road and track that son of a bitch down to kill him once and for all. Tracking him is easy, seems they just have to watch for rural small towns that show signs of being ravaged by The Tall Man – dug up cemeteries, burned-out downtowns, and freaky hooded hoodlums who rove the night. The Tall Man must be currently stationed in Detroit!

But Mike and Reggie aren’t the only ones looking to fight the tall one. Beautiful 80s-haired Liz has been having dreams about the Tall Man and Mike for years. She’s been researching Mike’s story too, and trying to track the Tall Man’s exploits. When the Tall Man finally comes to silence Liz, Mike and Reggie are not far behind. Throw in a strange hitchhiker that horny Reggie picks up along the way, and we have ourselves a Tall Man fighting force!

But can four ordinary Joes take down a demonic-alien-grave-robbing-murderous giant? If I learned anything from watching Hulk Hogan body slam Andre the Giant in the 1987 classic Wrestlemania III, it is that anything, ANYTHING, KIDS, is possible.

The Tall Man’s killer silver balls are back in the 1988 shriekquel, “Phantasm II.”

RDHP Ratings and Reviews

 

C-Rating: 2.3

Chris Dimick proclaims:

“Remember when you were in high school and instead of studying for your history test you went out to run around inside abandoned “haunted buildings” until 2 a.m. That seemed like a great idea until come test time, when you didn’t have a clue, and just had to throw answers randomly down on the page.

The next day when the teacher passed back your test, you just knew it was going to be an E. You felt it in your heart and bones. “I didn’t know shit on that test!” But every once in awhile, when the Gods were smiling upon, you’d flip over that test and see none other than a glorious, wonderful C-!

A C- in any other circumstance would be an occasion to sulk. It’s not just average, but below average. But in this case, since you were expecting the worse, that C- is the equivalent to a gold medal, a hot plate of cookies, and warm hug from Grandma.

Such was the feeling I got while watching Phantasm 2. I went in expecting the absolute worst, and while still delivered a mess of movie crap, I was pleasantly surprised to actually be entertained.

The plot still has its holes – the Tall Man is going from town to town turning dead bodies into alien slaves and NO ONE notices but three people? But at LEAST this Phantasm movie made sense. It had a story arch, an actual plot, likeable characters, fluid train of logic, gory effects: all those things the first movie didn’t bother with. Of course, every movie should have these traits, but with the bar set so low by the first movie, I couldn’t help but smile when the sequel of all things ended up being better than the original.

Writer, Director, Producer Don Coscarelli seems to have picked up a few tricks of the trade in this 1988 effort that he lacked in 1979. Those strange razor sharp silver kill-balls were really on in this flick, actually entering and tunneling through one guy in a very original “kill.”
Several “scare” scenes even had Nick and I yelling with shock and delight. The Tall Man has also been modernized, turning from a near silent creeper to a speedy fella who likes to spout witty comments before dispatching his foes.

Some of the dialog even made an effort at being deep. “Towns are like people. Some die a slow, peaceful, natural deaths. Others are murdered, taken before their time. In this case, it was clear this place died by way of the Tall Man”

When lining up movies for the RDHP, Nick and I usually try and select the best horror movie from each year. When we picked the first Phantasm for 1979, we truly thought we were selecting a great movie. The series is a classic with many horror fans, and respected in the genre. What we discovered is to not always trust what you hear. The first Phantasm is still one of the lowest rated movies by the RDHP.

Being a glutton for punishment, I felt it would be interesting to watch the sequel to Phantasm as a gag. “If the first one was so bad, I can’t wait to see how awful the second one is!” I yelled. Nick wasn’t so sure he wanted to waste another two hours of his life, and it took some lobbying and eye-lash batting on my part to get it on the schedule.

My motives were truly two-fold. Besides the fun of watching a bad movie, I wanted answers, damn-it. The first movie was so confusing, and left the viewer asking a million questions. What the hell is the Tall Man? Why is he turning dead humans into midget-killer-slaves for his alien world? What the fudge are those killer ball thingies? Was it really all just a dream or what?

Ironically, we went to the first movie looking for gold and found garbage. We went to the second movie hoping for trash and found a treasure. Point being, when you assume you make an ass out of you and me. Another morale I learned this week – you can find fun in the strangest places.

The only thing I ever ask of a horror movie is for it to be entertaining. It doesn’t have to be smart, emotional, well acted, dazzling with effects or even make sense. As long as I feel like I didn’t flush two hours, I’ll be happy. Well, Phantasm 2 was entertaining. Yes, it was more cheesy than the flesh under Aretha Franklin’s fat rolls. And I can still smell that rotten ending lingering in my hair.

But it had great “kills,” a chainsaw fight, an entertaining story line of vigilantism, and plenty of humorous schlock to make the evening worthwhile. I didn’t get many of my questions answered by this installment (Seriously, why does the Tall Man need slaves?) but there are two more movies in this series possibly holding the answers. (Don’t worry, this is the last Phantasm flick to appear in the RDHP, I’ll watch III and IV on my own time.)

Bravo, Phantasm II. You have done something few movies have accomplished. You were better than your elders. You truly earned your C-.”

N-rating: 2.3
Nick Rich proclaims :
Now, it may just be because I came off of 24 hours of excruciating stomach pain (due to food poisoning), but Phantasm 2 wasn't half bad! I can't think of a better preparation for watching a potentially horrible film than to writhe in pain for seemingly endless hours the day before - anything you do without said pain seems divine by comparison! It was with such a state of mind that I delved back into the world of nonsensical alien invaders, surprisingly dangerous henchmen and flying balls of death.

Phantasm 2 had so much more going for it than its predecessor: 1) there was a plot, 2) the camerawork looked at least somewhat professional, 3) the actors seemed like they had done more than one film, 4) there was a special effects budget and 5) I was expecting it to be horrible! All of these factors mixed together actually created a modestly average movie viewing experience. Sure there were some details that might be a bit bothersome, like how an attractive woman in her 20's would be interested in a middle aged man or how a 19 year old who spent the past 10 years in a nuthouse looks like an amateur Austrian body-builder... but again, these are things you don't let bother you much when your expectations are extremely low.

In spite of itself, there were some genuinely cool moments to be found herein... like when our heroes have a weapon-making montage (which results in a dual double-barrel shotgun!), or the first time you see the face of a dwarf henchman and it doesn't look like a reject from Troll 2, or the scene where a henchman is grinding some bones to ash, only to reveal that the remains belong to one Sam Raimi!

We here at the RDHP were freed during this viewing -- freed from any anticipation that what we were watching was going to blow our minds. In fact, the only minds that were blown in the Phantasm series are those of the poor chumps who don't realize they can duck when a flying object is heading towards their face.

The Skinny: Check this flick out if you've ever wondered what happens to ice cream men after they stop being ice cream men... Not if you're in the mood for answers to an ongoing storyline.


Quote of the Viewing:
[Scene: Reggie picks up a sexy hitchhiker on the side of the road while Mike’s asleep. While taking a piss break, Mike asks Reggie if it is a good idea to bring the girl along with them, seeing as they are on a murderous hunt.]

Reggie: It’s fine. I mean, have you looked at her… we've been out here a long time, and it gets so hard on the road.
Chris: “Something is getting so hard.”
Nick: Silent head shaking… but with a smile.

RDHP Presents: Professions That Shouldn't Have Ponytails

In honor of our favorite ponytail wielding, former ice cream man Reggie, we here at the RDHP have compiled a list of professionals we would not like to see with ponytails.

Surgeon

As if worrying about having a watch end up in our body cavity isn't enough, the last thing we'd like to see poking out of our fresh stitches is the remnants of our doc's luscious locks!

President of The United States of America

As much as we love a good ponytail whip, a deterrent for nuclear war it is not.

Catholic Priest
The last thing anyone wants is a laid back man of the cloth... and nothing says "I'm ready to party" quite like a ponytail.

Stenographer

When accurately detailing events for posterity is the name, ponytails are most definitely not the game! Who knows how many hair conditioner names would end up in United Nations peace talk transcriptions due to wandering thoughts of flowing manes?

What We Learned from Watching Phantasm II:
-Love at first sight is possible, but only at the bottom of an open grave.
-When investigating a spooky mausoleum, always split up the group.
-When you die, you don’t go to heaven. You go “to the Tall Man.”
-Always sleep with your head on a gun.
-If you are going to stab a corpse at a funeral, wait until all the relatives leave first.
-Chicks dig older, bald, ponytail wearing guys who pick up hitchhikers and carry several weapons.
-Don’t get caught digging up graves your first night out of the mental hospital. Your psychiatrists wouldn’t approve.
-If you jump out of a second story glass window, you will totally be okay if you roll when hitting the ground.
-Even tall men still like to wear heels.
-You can have sex with your underwear on.
-“Come on you muther!” is the formal way to start a chainsaw duel.

Things That Are Better the Second Time Around:
The first of something is usually the best. After that, as more incarnations are craved from the original, it usually get more diluted than the liquor in your parents alcohol cabinet (No, filling that vodka bottle up with water won’t conceal your underage drinking.) Phantasm bucked this rule, becoming one of the rare sequels that is better than its original. Here the RDHP honor other things that are just better the second time around.

Love

Just ask olde Blue Eyes, he wrote a whole ode to love the second time around. You are older, wiser, and already know what to avoid or pursue with the person. Get you some!

Refried Beans

They start as just fried beans, and that is okay for a night on the crapper. But boy when you refry those bad-boys and mush them up into paste, there is just nothing that can compare to their mexicany taste. Also great for smearing between your toes. Ooooooooooooh, so sensual.

Second Wind

Everyone has a first wind, either when running, working, or competition eating. But just when you lose hope that not another hot dog can be crammed down your larynx, BAM, the second wind comes and you power 12 more. The second wind is always the one you are most proud of.

Terminator 2: Judgment Day

Another rare movie sequel that was much better than the original. The effects were better, the plot more action oriented, and who can forget the first time they saw the T-1000 melt into a puddle. “Have you seen this boy?” Have you seen my pants!

Thanksgiving Leftovers

Typically food like turkey, mash potatoes, stuffing and dinner rolls would be better the first time they were prepared. But with all the loud talking, family fighting and Lions football watching going on, who has the focus to actually taste and savor this luscious feast?
That, friends, comes the day after Thanksgiving. All the relatives have gone, the house is quiet, and you can plop down on the couch with a heaping plate of leftovers and all the time in the world to savor each bite. There is never a Lions game on Friday making you lose your appetite… or the will to live.

Third Grade

Sure, some of the kids make fun of your at first, but repeating the third grade is actually pretty awesome. Your advanced size allows you to kick the snot out of anyone who second-guesses your intelligence. You know all the questions the teacher will ask. And best of all you still get to use the little boy bathroom toilet instead of the big boy urinal.

Being dumb is awesome!